Something we all struggle with, right?
Being a mom has brought new insecurities my way, but insecurity is in no way new to me! My family moved around a lot when I was little, so I was often "the new kid". My dad liked his girls to look like girls, so my sisters and I had to wear skirts or dresses to school every day (and for my tomboy self, this was humiliating). My teeth are crooked and that has always been a huge source of insecurity for me. And I have never been thin, which in our culture is often ridiculed.
My parents were great at letting us know that we were loved. They consistently pointed us to Jesus and to truth and as a result, I learned to depend on Him when I was struggling with insecurity. But this doesn't mean that I didn't struggle.
I distinctly remember a day in 10th grade when I felt like no one cared about me. I tried to keep the tears in, but couldn't! Since I was a pastor's kid, my friends seemed to assume that I didn't have any problems and I remember feeling so isolated. I learned that I needed to be real with my friends- it wasn't that they didn't care; it was that they didn't KNOW!
I went through being rejected by boys and learned how to deal with that, but it changed me and made me second guess myself. I remember asking myself will anyone ever love me? Am I deserving of love? Can I be "good enough"?
When Dave and I fell in love, I knew that he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We loved talking about anything and everything. But 4 months after we started dating, summer break came. I headed home to spend a month with my parents before joining Dave at a camp in Wisconsin for the rest of the summer. During that month apart, we rarely talked and my insecurities started to grow. By the time Dave and I reunited, I was a mess. What if he broke up with me? What if his friends didn't like me? What if he had found someone else who was better than me?
The first part of that summer was miserable! I found myself trying with everything that was in me to make Dave love me. The more I tried, the more turned off he became! This insecure girl was not the girl that he had fallen in love with. One Sunday, Dave was going to break up with me, but decided to wait until later in the week. It was during that time that God did a work on my heart. I realized that I couldn't look to Dave to complete me. I HAD to find my worth in Jesus! If Dave didn't want to be with me, I had to be okay with that! I couldn't just say that Jesus was my everything, but not actually live like I believed it.
So, I prayed, and God changed me. I stopped trying to be who I thought Dave wanted me to be. I started being me. And I realized that if Dave didn't love me, flaws and all, then I needed to trust God that he had something better for me.
That was one of the biggest prayers of my life!!! My insecurities were still there, but I was able to give them to God and accept myself for how he saw me. This changed everything for Dave! Once again, he saw the girl that he loved (with a better understanding of my imperfections!). We stayed together and God blessed our relationship. I truly learned what Ps. 37:4 means when it says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart."
Insecurities can be one of the biggest detriments to our relationships with others. We make unfair assumptions based on our insecurities. We make judgements. We have expectations. We are critical of others. We put others down. We have ungodly pride.
Our insecurities lead to isolation. We might think that no one wants to be with us, so why burden others with our presence? We can't stand being hurt, so we don't take risks. We see our friends spend time with others and allow feelings of jealousy and bitterness control us.
Now as a mom, I still struggle with insecurities and I am learning to constantly lay them before the feet of Jesus. If someone doesn't like my kids, I need to be okay with that. If I sense that someone doesn't want to be with me, I need to be careful not to make judgements or assumptions and just continue to be ME! I need to make sure that I reach out to others, but not feel responsible for anyone else's feelings of isolation. We are all responsible for ourselves! And I need to establish boundaries, so that I don't allow those who have traditionally made me feel insecure continue to make me feel that way. Again, I am responsible for me and for my attitudes and reactions!
This is easier said than done! But, I am learning and my Father is so gracious!
The problem with insecurities is that if we don't deal with them (and I would suggest that the only way to truly deal with them is to hand them over to Jesus!), is that they will come out in how we treat others. This comes out in bully type behavior and as I am working on teaching my kids about this, I am shocked at how prevelant it is in adults! Yikes!
We are made to feel inferior for what we wear, what car we drive, how much education we have, whether or not we are married, whether or not we have kids, our kid's behavior, how much money we make, the prestige of our job, whether or not we work out, how strong we are, if we are overweight, how big our house is, the list goes on and on!
We are role models for our kids- whether we want to be or not. Are we encouraging our kids to handle insecurities appropriately or are we teaching them to be bullies?
Thank you, Father for never giving up on me! Thank you for loving me despite the ugliness in me. Show me how to point my kids to you and to the truth of your Word!
5 comments:
So clear, so inspiring, so beautifully written by Beautiful You!! I have said before and I will say now, Becky, you have a glow that radiates from you with beauty and goodness and kindness and thougthfulness and you are one of the most special people I know and I love you through and through. What a great friend you are and what a wonderful role model to all around you. To open up to insecurities hits all of us in our sore spots - we all have them - and your honesty is refreshing. Bianca
So much of this had me nodding. Is it crazy that my embarrassment and insecurities of young adulthood are the mile markers in my memories?
I need to do better at turning it to Jesus because you're right...we are teaching in our behavior.
What a blessing to know that this resonates with others! One of the lies that insecurity produces is making us think that no one else is insecure- hence the isolation. Both of you wonderful ladies have inspired me to no end and I am a better person for knowing YOU!
Becky, I read every post you have... and enjoyed them all. I wasn't sure where to let you know but I guess this post spoke to me the most, so I am putting in my two cents here ;)
Joy
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