Compulsory Valentine’s Day Cards
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I got an email from my son’s 3rd grade Class Mom suggesting that the kids make Valentine’s Day cards for all the other kids (24!) in the class, so that no one is excluded.
I thought it was a cute idea, but when I told my son, he said that he didn’t want to do it. Should I insist?
Signed,
Cupid’s Mama Didn’t Have These Problems
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Dear Not Cupid’s Mama,
Should you insist that your son make Valentine’s Day cards in bulk to distribute to friends and nemeses alike?
Should you insist that your son celebrate an indu$try created holiday?
Should you insist that your son spend time and energy doing arts and crafts instead of battling Pokemon for badges, experience points and all that is good in the world?
That’s one of those parenting decisions that you have to make with your spiritual adviser, because no one answer will fit all families.
But no way would I force my child to participate. Mostly because the idea of overseeing this project is making me want to stress-eat enough chocolate to deprive several families of Valentine’s Day festivities. And because I see this project as busywork.
In my experience, arts and crafts and most third grade boys don’t mix (and it is absolutely not the mother’s fault. Not even a little bit, so quit your finger pointing.) Writing out 24 cards can be an exercise in torture for adults, and kids don’t find it any more enthralling.
One solution would be to ask your son to select a multi pack of Valentine’s Day cards at the local dollar store and have him write his classmates names on them over the course of a few days.
This has the benefit of being relatively painless for everyone involved and avoids the possibility of your son being *gasp!* the only one without cards to distribute.
Another option would be to suggest to the Class Mom and the teacher that you bring in muffins or an amaryllis bulb, as a gift from your son to the class. From what I know about 8 year olds’ affection for cards, they would much prefer a snack anyway. Or even a class flower that they could watch grow. Really, it’s the new paint drying.
The important thing is that your son understands that excluding his classmates is hurtful. If he wants to give a card to just his closest friends, he should do that outside of school, to avoid hurt feelings. Hopefully together you can brainstorm of a way to include all of his classmates in the celebration. And hopefully next year the Class Mom will be less ambitious.
Hearts and Arrows,
Marinka, TMH
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The V Word
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a little girl who is 18 months old, and lately whenever I change her diaper, she points at her vagina and says, “what’s that?” Now, I realize I really must pick a toddler-friendly vagina name and be consistent so as not to confuse her. Do you have any suggestions? Because so far, I’ve been going for “vajayjay” which does make her laugh, and then she says “pretty!” But really, is there no better name for a vagina than “vajayjay”?
Please help!
Georgia O’Keefe
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Dear Georgia,
Isn’t it crazy how quickly kids grow? One day we’re giddy over their unintelligible cooing and wobbly first steps, and the next, we’re using chalkboards to explain gross anatomy and explaining proper context for the word “pretty.”
When it comes to the penis-and-vagina lesson, I’ve always felt that straight-talk is best. For instance, my boys (ages three and five), have known they have penises since potty training. I let their questions guide the conversation, and typically, once I answer the “what’s THAT?” with “it’s a PENIS!” they say “oh!” and we move on to nose-picking. Their youth, however, kind of gets in the way of understanding, unfortunately, and my eldest refers to his “privacy” as his “peanuts.” (Somehow things got lost in translation.) Sometimes I correct him, sometimes I don’t. It depends on how quickly we’re trying to get out the damn door.
I think the most important thing is to be cool, calm, and honest with your daughter. You don’t want to imply that the topic (and, by extension, her body) is something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Furthermore, dismissing the question or giving your daughter something silly to call her bits and pieces could backfire as she ages. For instance, a college friend once revealed that his mother taught him that his penis was called his “poops.” He’s now seeing a Jungian therapist and often dresses in black.
So, to answer your question, just tell her it’s her vagina. (Or perhaps she’s pointing to her labia? I’m sure it’s hard to tell at 18 months, so perhaps save the diagramming of the crotchal region for preschool.) If using these terms is something that makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe you need to work that out first, so you’re not passing that issue along to your daughter.
Good luck!
Kristine, TMH
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Love Is In The Air… Just Not At My Daughter’s Preschool
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My daughter goes to a Jewish preschool where they don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. However, my older daughters will celebrate it at public school and I know my younger one will want to do it too. How should I handle this? Secretly give Valentine’s to all her preschool friends?
Signed,
I Didn’t Even Know Valentine’s Day Was A Religious Holiday
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Dear Didn’t Know V-Day Was Religious,
It’s possible that the school put that policy in place because they heard about my traumatic high school Valentine’s Day experience. Nothing says awkward teen moment like a boy showing up to your homeroom with a 4 ft card, balloons, and a huge, heart-shaped box of chocolates! Did I mention he looked NOTHING like Ryan Reynolds? And had all the grace and charm of Potsie from Happy Days. It was very hard to be me. It was also very hard to spell “Potsie” correctly.
Of course, it’s also possible that the school takes some issue with the Christian origins of the holiday. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius established the day to honor martyred Saints, like Saint Valentine. It has since become a day for the celebration of love or teen uncomfortableness, whichever. What the school might not realize is that in 1969 Pope Paul VI deleted the day from the General Roman Calendar of Saints. Still, its derivation remains one of Christianity, which for some Jewish schools may be a little problematic.
But even though your daughter isn’t able to give everyone in her class a Valentine, she can still get into the spirit of the day and make Valentines for her siblings, her parents, and other members of your family and neighborhood friends. Maybe even make one for Potsie? You can also get together as a family and make heart-shaped cookies! At the end of the day, the best part of this holiday is using glitter and eating sugar!
Good Luck,
Tonya, TMH
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La Mouthing Off: French Parents vs. American Parents
Just when we thought we’d survived Tiger Mom and her battle hymn, here comes Frenchified Mom telling us that the French mère does it better. And by it, we don’t mean walk down cobblestone streets in stilettos, but rather raising le bebes. Quelle horror! (And now we will stop with the French language references. We studied Latin in high school, and as soon as the Ancient Romans come out with a parenting guide, we’re on it!)
…it struck me that most French descriptions of American kids include this phrase “n’importe quoi,” meaning “whatever” or “anything they like.” It suggests that the American kids don’t have firm boundaries, that their parents lack authority, and that anything goes. It’s the antithesis of the French ideal of the cadre, or frame, that French parents often talk about. Cadre means that kids have very firm limits about certain things—that’s the frame—and that the parents strictly enforce these. But inside the cadre, French parents entrust their kids with quite a lot of freedom and autonomy.
Druckerman continues:
Authority is one of the most impressive parts of French parenting—and perhaps the toughest one to master. Many French parents I meet have an easy, calm authority with their children that I can only envy. Their kids actually listen to them. French children aren’t constantly dashing off, talking back, or engaging in prolonged negotiations.
Ah, oui. Pretty enviable if you are trying to have a peaceful dinner. But are these qualities necessarily better for children in the long run? If questioning authority is an American trait, then let’s hear it for Old Glory! Because for all the times that we’d like our kids to stop negotiating, asking and interrupting and bend to our will there is a glimmer of appreciation that they are thinking, engaging and participating.
No, it’s not necessarily better.
But it’s not inferior, either.
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Gay Marriage Is Making Me Uncomfortable
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
This summer my kids (ages 14 and 9) and I have been invited to my cousin’s house for a week. This cousin is gay and lives in a (how can I put this without pissing anyone off) gay friendly area. My first problem is that my kids don’t know she’s gay. I’m not even sure that my 9 year old knows what gay is.
My second problem is that while we are there, my cousin and her partner (notice I said partner) are having a party to celebrate their marriage. While I love my cousin and her partner, I do not believe in gay marriage. And I am extremely uncomfortable having my children be ‘forced’ into celebrating this. I truly do support gay rights but I don’t want this thrust upon my kids. I have already said that I will be there for the party but am having second thoughts.
Signed,
Be Gay! Just Not When My Kids Are Around.
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Dear Be Gay,
You know who should never have gotten married? Michael Jackson and Lisa Presley. That was one bizarre match-up. J Lo and Marc Anthony could have skipped the alter too. I mean she’s all gorgeous and glowy and he’s just controlling. (I really want to be Jennifer in my next life so maybe I’m a little biased on that one. But how do you go from Ben Affleck to Marc Anthony?! Ugh.) And don’t forget Brittany and K-rod. Train wreck.
But a loving, happy couple who happens to be gay? Why shouldn’t they be married? You insist you support gay rights. But gays want the right to get married just like you and me. That seems like a basic human right.
I am guessing your 14-year-old and 9-year-old are certainly familiar with the concept of being gay. It’s just part of our culture. But maybe before you go, simply say to them, “I just want you to know that cousin Sarah is gay. That means she’s in love with a woman, instead of a man. (At this point, your 14-year-old will say, ‘No duh mom’ but just press on.) And Sarah is married to her partner Lisa. They are going to have a party to celebrate their marriage when we are there. There’s going to be music and food and it should be a lot of fun.” End of story.
I’m not sure why you think having your kids attend a gay wedding party, is “forcing” them into something. I think the biggest emotion that any kid feels at an adult party is hunger. As in… “When will all the speeches be over, so I can eat some of that chocolate cake?”
If you’re anti-gay marriage feelings are just too strong, then I would skip the trip. Your cousin is celebrating her marriage to hopefully the love of her life. And she should be surrounded by people who love and support her. If you can’t do that right now, it might be best to stay at home. But I really think this is about you and your feelings. Not your kids.
Good luck with your decision.
Kelcey, TMH