Lolly Daskal

 
 
What do you do when you have an employee who is great at getting results, meeting their targets, and great with customers, but when it comes to their team, they are abrasive, abusive and condescending? 
 
What do you do when you’re in a relationship and your partner says they will call, and they don't? They say they will show up, but they don't. They say they will be there for you, and they are not. Worse yet, this has been going on for months…  
 
What do you do when you’re in a meeting with your direct report who does all the talking all the time, and never asks for input or feedback? What if your employee is not a team player and it’s really hurting morale?  
 
It is time for an intervention. What kind of intervention? It’s time to have a courageous conversation.  
 
In most organizations, and in our relationships, we’re all so busy being polite with everyone that we’re either not aware of the breakdown, afraid of the breakdown, or avoiding it altogether. We kid ourselves into thinking that if we don’t deal with it, maybe it will go away.  
 
When we fail to engage and say what we honestly think and feel, our business performance will suffer. When what “goes unsaid” is not being said, our relationships will fail.  
 
Here’s how to approach those courageous conversations that need to take place…  
 
Be Courageous: The essence of a courageous conversation is being direct and not fearful. Having a conversation in your head isn’t the same as having a real conversation. Being courageous means being connected to your feelings. Feelings of fear and anxiety create distance. When we are courageous we are fearless. When we act with courage, there is a certain grace that is brought to the conversation. 
 
Be Present: In order to have a courageous conversation, we need to be completely in the moment. Often, in meetings and in relationships where we interact with others, we fail to be fully present. We go through the motions, but we’re not really there, or we’re mentally checked out. In order to have a successful courageous conversation, we need to stay present and engaged. When we are present, we can be more aware of our feelings and the feelings of others. 
 
Be Reflective: In order for us to have a productive courageous conversation, we need to pause and reflect. Sometimes we react without thinking about how our response might impact the person(s) with whom we are interacting. Without pausing, without being reflective, we might choose an inappropriate response. We may say something we will regret. 
 
Be Human: When participating in a courageous conversation, we need to be human. Most of us have a limited vocabulary when expressing our feelings, so we are more likely to offer an automatic or habitual response than to connect heart to heart. When we are human, we have a need to connect, to understand, to listen and to belong. When we are being human, we can bring meaning and energy to the heart of what is important. 
 
Be Attentive: When involved in a courageous conversation, you must be a great listener. Pay close attention and demonstrate sincere interest in the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Be the person who is truly listening by tapping into hidden dialogue, and uncovering what is not being said. When you make more meaningful contact, you are more likely to get the other person’s full attention. 
 
Be Honest: When engaging courageous conversation, we need to be honest and say what we truly feel, without putting off what’s really on our mind. Honesty is not easy. We often repress our true feelings, so much so that sometimes we don't really know what we honestly want. We must be able to be honest and to say what we are truly feeling, seeing, and wanting. To be honest with yourself and others is to honor self. Being honest will set you free. 
 
Be Curious: When involved in a courageous conversation, leave control at the door. Stay open and curious. The more you try to control, the more out of control you will feel. Try to understand what the other is saying. This does not mean you accept what they say as your truth: it simply means you are open to the possibilities. It is essential to remain open and curious, and not judgmental and controlling.  
 
Be Accountable: When having a courageous conversation, being accountable means that you take responsibility for what you say and how you say it. Do not blame, claim or abuse anyone else. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be the one who recognizes that being accountable will help shift the conversation from blame to gaining understanding. 
 
Be Committed: By bringing commitment to your interactions, you learn the power of courageous conversation. Your commitment to be courageous fosters connection. Being committed to courageous conversation will make your communications clear and compelling. It will bring knowing to the unknown. 
 
Lead From Within: When we are aware, we listen to each other, even if there are differences. If we stay focused, if we remain our caring human self, and if we pay attention to others’ feelings and ideas, we foster greater understanding.  
 
If we are honest about our feelings, if we remain curious, and if we are committed to forging courageous conversations, we will help strengthen relationships, productivity, and communication.  
 
Where can you have a courageous conversation today? Which meeting? What boss? Which employee? What relationship?

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“Our lives are like a chess game. The move of a single pawn affects the outcome of the game.” - David R Hawkins.

Connecting, communicating and conversing are all effects of a thought. It affects our leadership, our relationship and our fellowship.  
 
If you think about it, our thoughts are the beginning of what matters most. Our thoughts bring value to what we think, say and do.  
 
Understanding our thoughts is the door-opener to the rewards of self-awareness and insight, and it's the ground upon which understanding rests.  
 
The language of thought has an internal influence on us. And that internal influence can make a difference to our external outcomes. 
 
Reflect===> Retrieve===>Relate===> Responsible===> Results===>Reward!  
 
Reflect: By taking a moment to reflect upon our thoughts, we can stand at the gateway of making different choices. As we pause, we can practice looking at our thoughts instead of from them. Reflection is an action. Reflecting on our thoughts brings us invaluable learning and opportunity for growth.  
 
Retrieve: To understand what someone says, we must draw upon our shared knowledge of the world, not just our knowledge of language. All of us have stored thoughts. Our past observations become our future projections. Our expectations, beliefs and past experiences affect our thinking and communication.  
 
Relate: Until we can relate to our thoughts, we are not going to be successful in communicating with ourselves or with others. Everyone’s thoughts and behaviors are a function of their viewpoint.  
 
Responsible: We can increase our self-awareness and improve communication as we accept responsibility for every thought, word, and deed that we think. What we think we act upon. Be responsible. In being responsible, we break down the old patterns of thinking and build new pathways of being.  
 
Results: As we live our lives with intention, we can achieve the results for a new way of being and leading. We achieve results by focusing on our thoughts. Our results depend on how quickly we observe and determine whether the thought serves our purpose or not. We can create an intention about what we want, and get the results we are looking for.  
 
Reward: When we are clear about what we want, our reality will follow… Then we will be rewarded.  
 
Defining the language of thought cultivates new meaning. Without the self-awareness of thought, we would live each day as we did yesterday, and we would simply recreate the same solutions as we did the day before.  
 
By understanding the language of our thoughts, we enhance ourselves, our families, our team, our organization, and our leadership. As we begin to understand the language of thoughts, we can see that we are consciously choosing our future.  
 
What we think. What we say. What we do. Matters.  
 
When we know what matters - and our mind is clear - we make the most of each moment. We can think outside the box. We can lead from within. We can develop creative solutions. We can trust our intuition. We can know the next step we are going to take. We can make good decisions, and we can act on them effortlessly.  
 
Be the person who cares. Who thinks. Who listens. Who understands. Who communicates. Who converses and who connects deeply.  
 
Lead From Within: Reap the benefits by understanding that the language of thought is the driver that helps you reshape your life and leadership. With this clarity, you can transform, transcend and thrive.

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Communication is a basic activity in our lives. Every word we speak is a form of dialogue.  
 
As leaders we aim for great communication which leads to deeper connections, but most of us get in trouble when we don’t listen to one another. 
 
Too often we speak at each other or past each other or tune each other out. 
 
The problem may lay in the fact that we don't know what it takes to have a meaningful dialogue. 
 
The chit chat, the noise, the transference that is going on around us is all so distracting.  
 
Are we really listening to each other?  
 
Are we paying as close attention as we should?  
 
Do we understand the heart of listening?  
 
Are we engaging in meaningful exchanges?  
 
What we seem to be missing is the nucleus; the DNA of dialogue. We need to find its meaning.  
 
We need to understand that applying emotional intelligence to our conversations is a sure way for leaders and organizations to accomplish what "talking" cannot achieve, and what conversations are not accomplishing.  
 
DNA of dialogue is about feelings. 
 
Feelings are at the heart of every good conversation and relationship. Feelings like passion and pride, silence and silliness, let us know that we are alive.  
 
Failure to acknowledge our feelings derails us from having meaningful dialogue.  
 
If we do not express our feelings, we run the risk of our feelings leading the conversation. Unexpressed feelings make it difficult for us to listen to others. When we feel our feelings we learn to understand others and gain insight into ourselves.  
 
DNA of dialogue is about listening.  
 
Listening is about paying attention with intention.  
 
It means not just listening to the words, but listening to the unspoken words, to the space where silence resides.  
 
Meaningful dialogue involves listening with empathy and searching for common ground.  
 
It’s about learning to listen from inside out. Listening can transform any conversation once we learn that there is more than meets the ear.  
 
DNA of dialogue is about respecting.  
 
Respect makes space for us to hear what others are feeling and thinking.  
 
When you respect others they respond. They respond by letting their thoughts and voice to be heard. "I learn from you as I allow you to speak". Respect permits my mind to be open and my heart to hear. 
 
Meaningful dialogue requires that all the participants have equal standing, and that they listen with respect and empathy.  
 
DNA of dialogue is about suspending.  
 
Suspending is exploring new ideas and perspectives, and bringing unexamined assumptions into the open without judgment.  
 
Suspending makes room for where something is and where something is becoming. 
 
It’s not about being right or wrong, or better or worse. Meaningful dialogue happens when we suspend our opinions, step back, change direction and see with new eyes.  
 
DNA of dialogue is about voicing.  
 
Voicing is about asking open ended questions, instead of wanting to persuade and get our way.  
 
Perhaps we should permit another to speak, to question, and to reason. Maybe we could voice our compassion and concerns. Meaningful dialogue is aimed at fostering mutual insight and common purpose. 
 
By voicing care, we may hear from another and we may learn something significant that changes the way we process problems.  
 
The fact is that people who learn the DNA of Dialogue have a new approach for dealing with the most challenging conversations. It provides both a deeper and heightened sense of freedom and flexibility in difficult communication.  
 
The profound power of meaningful dialogue achieved is by harnessing the best of the collective thinking.  
 
It becomes a whole, instead of the voice of one. It becomes the voice of many that are working on the problem, situation or circumstance.  
 
LEAD FROM WITHIN: No matter where you stand in life, learning and leveraging the DNA of Dialogue will help with all human relationships and leadership.  
 
This post has been inspired by @mjasmus, a thought leader on Twitter. A few weeks ago she wrote an amazing post Dialog as a Radical Act If you have not been to her blog, please visit and visit often. I know I do.

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We all talk about leadership success, inspiration and motivation, but there is more to leadership and life. There are truths that we must address, and there are realities that we cannot escape.  
 
Truth: Leaders face uncertainties.  
 
Truth: Leaders may come upon circumstances or experiences that they cannot fix (despite how hard they try).  
 
Truth: Leaders to some degree face fear.  
 
Fear of uncertainty is always with us. It lies there waiting to challenge us and is waiting to call upon us - and sometimes it is the greatest saboteur of our inner leadership.  
 
We cannot deny it.  
 
When it comes to uncertainty, we need to comprehend that it is a personal matter. It is not THE uncertainty of life that gives us anxiety, but OUR fears within ourselves that cause the pain.  
 
It is best to face uncertainty by including it in our thoughts and actions rather than suppressing it. Recognition of uncertainty is valuable because it helps us to guard against the things that might go wrong.  
 
The reality of the uncertain leader may be that uncertainty may cause you complication in your life. However, identifying the source of your uncertainty is a critical part of becoming certain.  
 
Uncertainty may cause you fear. But the fear of the unknown expands your knowing.  
 
Uncertainty may cause you confusion. But the purpose of uncertainty is to define and focus on your clarity and convictions.  
 
My personal note to the uncertain leader…  
 
Let your uncertainties guide you to help you understand and prepare you for your challenges.  
 
Do not use uncertainty as an excuse to abandon your plans.  
 
Every important risk, every important uncertainty, involves fear. Don’t run from your fear and uncertainties.  
 
Don’t pretend to be fearless. Don’t pretend to be certain.  
 
If you hold on to your uncertainties rather than expressing them authentically, you will begin to distort self. Simply recognize uncertainties and learn to adapt and adjust to them.  
 
Uncertainty is always trying to make a case for itself in our lives, because it wants us to make a stand for what we believe in. Be the architect for others to model.  
 
Know that fear and uncertainty drag us to the bottom of where we begin to understand the essence of our leadership.  
 
Fear teaches us who we are and it shows us that we are about to step out of our comfort zone.  
 
Every uncertainty is an encounter with something within ourselves that we do not understand or did not take responsibility for. Do not let it lament any part of your life and leadership, because every hardship can teach us valuable lessons.  
 
Every uncertainty is the distance between truth and leadership and the event of greatness.  
 
Lead from within: Uncertainty is about handling our fears. Above all, it’s about helping us to live comfortably with our uncertainties so we can do better, be better and act better.

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Who was the last person who actually listened to you?  
 
Who was the last person you actually gave your full attention to?  
 
I know what you’re thinking. YOU listen all the time. But do you really?  
 
Do we understand what it really means to listen? Do we comprehend what is the Heart of listening?  
 
Do we realize that every person we will meet has something to teach us? Perhaps our job is to listen long enough to find out what that lesson is.  
 
Isn’t it true that when people speak to us, we tend to jump right in and give our advice, our feedback and our judgment? And all too often we find ourselves fixing, lecturing or interrupting with way too many questions. We listen not as an act of curiosity, but rather for a chance to give clever responses.  
 
We are all guilty of this because we are all human.  
 
In order to reap the benefits of listening, we must let ourselves develop and expand our ability to concentrate and pay attention.  
 
Listening with Heart is a skill - A skill that can be taught and can be learned, but most definitely must be developed.  
 
The Heart of listening consists of:

• Listening with heart is to summarize your understanding of what was just said.
• Listening with heart is reframing what you have just heard.
• Listening with heart is not a passive skill, but an active art.
• Listening from the heart is letting others know you understand what they said.
• Listening from the heart assures others that you are really listening with your whole body; eyes, ears and all.

When listening, remember that it’s not about YOU, but about THEM.  
 
If we are going to expand our KNOWLEDGE, we need to listen.  
 
If we are going to be SUPPORTIVE, we need to listen.  
 
If we are going to be RESPECTFUL, we need to listen.  
 
If we are going to be COMPASSIONATE, we need to listen.  
 
If we are going to illustrate EMPATHY, we need to listen.  
 
Listening is the sincerest form of flattery and shows the deepest form of connection.  
 
In order to live a life of leadership and meaningful connection, we have to consciously choose to slow down, give up our own agenda, and develop the capacity to focus on others by making an effort to fully understand them. 
 

Socrates states, “Nature has given us two ears, two eyes and but one tongue to the end that we should hear and see more than we speak.”

We need to cultivate Heart about the ways WE listen. 
 
We need to simply give our undivided attention to another without imposing our own personal agenda.  
 
Sometimes, this might take a little practice.  
 
It is a generous act of giving when we allow someone the space to be exactly who they are and exactly who they are not. This takes the ability to authentically listen with Heart.  
 
In organizations, poor listening is responsible for the loss of billions of dollars due to unnecessary mistakes, lost opportunities, ineffectiveness and deficiencies.  
 
In relationships, poor listening is responsible for disconnectedness from our families, loved ones, friends and customers. It is the cause of breakdowns and break ups.  
 
If we could hear our words, our comments, and our feedback through the ears of our listeners, we might be horrified with our insensitivity and negativity.  
 
The Heart of listening requires focus and a desire to learn and gain perspective. It takes effort to realize our inner barriers we have built towards others, which we must learn to put aside.  
 
By listening with an open Heart, it is love in action. By listening with mindfulness, it is the way for making every interaction become memorable.  
 
Lead from Within: The Heart of listening is a gift to yourself and others. everyone you meet can impact and change your life.

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I have heard from so many of you about your New Year’s resolutions.  
 
I know some of you are excited by them and some of you are already weary of them.  
 
CONFESSION: I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions.  
 
What I do instead - every year - is I check in with myself, through self reflection.  
 
In my self-reflection I ask:  
 
Am I standing for what I truly believe in?  
 
Am I showing up for what is most meaningful to me?  
 
Am I living by my principles?  
 
For me, my principles are my drivers, year after year, month by month, day by day, and hour by hour.  
 
My drivers ALLOW me to live my purpose with passion.  
 
So I ask you today...  
 
Do you have principles that you stand by?  
 
Do you know what your principles are?  
 
Do you recognize that your principles let others know who you are and what you stand for?  
 
Do you understand that principles drive your attitude and your actions?  
 
Do you understand that, if you have no principles, you may not have a full understanding of the big picture of your life - personally and professionally?  
 
Did you realize that your principles are your WHY?  
 
Principles contain the important elements of your life, like being honest, being kind, and being loving.  
 
Principles are all about the things you want to achieve in your life and how you intend to achieve them.  
 
Principles are about being the best at what you do because you stand for something.  
 
Principles guide you to stand for the things you care about most.  
 
Keep in mind that identifying and cultivating principles is not something you can just sit down and say, “Okay, here they are!” It’s not about making a list.  
 
Principles develop slowly and over time.  
 
Principles evolve bit by bit. Essence by essence. Dedication by dedication. Insight by insight Foresight by foresight.  
 
You develop your principles as you mature, and you refine your principles by understanding what has the most meaning for you.  
 
Once you understand and can identify your principles, you’ll be rewarded for a lifetime.  
 
Principle drives perspective. Perspective drives action. Action drives decisions. And decisions drive living. Not just living, but living a life full of purpose and meaning.  
 
If you don’t like the life you are living, look at your decisions. If you don’t like your decisions, look at what actions you take every day. If you don’t like your actions, then look at your perspective of life. And if you don’t like your perspective, then look at your principles.  
 
Defining your principles will help you build your values and your beliefs. It will help you cultivate a life that you admire in others, and one that you have been dreaming for yourself.  
 
Think now about what is important to you…  
 
Discovering and defining your principles will help build your character, your attitude, your self confidence, your influence, your peace of mind, and your purpose in life.  
 
Lead from Within: Principles are principles for life- it’s NOT about just knowing your principles, but actually living them daily. Defining your principles will help you with everything: How you act, how you think, how you react, how you serve, and how you lead.

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You Matter!

Posted on 31. Dec, 2011 by lollydaskal.

 
 
Dear Beloved Community,  
 
I appreciate you and I am filled with enormous gratitude.  
 
Each and everyone of you have filled my heart this past year with so many blessings.  
 
Each of you are unique, valuable, worthy, and irreplaceable.  
 
Each of you are one of a kind, knowing and gifted.  
 
Each one of you are making a difference.  
 
You have depth and heights which are powerful and expansive.  
 
There is no one in the world quite like you.  
 
This year allow yourself to lead with love, embrace your family, organization and loved ones with all the love you can muster.  
 
You are Heart Based Leaders the world needs.  
 
From my heart to yours,  
 
All the best in 2012!  
 
Lolly

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Reward The Effort

Posted on 14. Dec, 2011 by lollydaskal.

This past week I had the privilege of sitting down and consulting with a well known CEO. He was visibly upset and some what disillusioned.  
 
He spoke about his dissatisfaction with his team and his disappointment with the organization's results of the past year.  
 
As he talked and I listened, I heard him say, “I do not believe in the idea of effort. I believe in rewarding results only.”  
 
I had a hard time believing my ears. This is what I call a fixed mindset.  
 
Here was a leader of a very large organization who expects his employees to work hard, put in long hours, make great sales, and grow the company, but then not be rewarded for their efforts. Could this be possible? Was there a way of showing him that his beliefs were the root of the problem?  
 
For me, he was suffering from what