INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS
Is there a word for the opposite of “educational”? That’s what these are. These diagrams illustrate why caffeine and insomnia don’t mix well.
Godzilla vs. Baby
Posted by Andy on November 15th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS
[ click the image to enlarge ]
Consider this a crash course in emergency preparedness for expectant parents, or a badge of acknowledgement for those parents who’ve already made it through. Also, if there does actually happen to be an attack on your city from a giant monster born of atomic testing, know that your skills in managing and raising a baby will serve you well.
Yes. Godzilla. Sure, there’s a scale problem with this comparison. Babies don’t get anywhere near the altitude Godzilla hits, who towers 50 meters tall (167 feet). But make no mistake. When that baby arrives, your home is now Tokyo, and soon the wheels on the bus won’t go round and round any longer.
You could reason that babies have smoother skin than our lofty lizard’s avocado hide, and we all know that (most) babies don’t have tails, but you’re nitpicking at this point! Pay attention! Lives are at stake! The monster attack is upon you and, in the case of a baby, it’s going last around two decades! However, just like Godzilla, you’ll somehow love living through the rampage as it all unfolds. Or topples into rubble, as the case may be.
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The fun doesn’t have to stop here.
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Give the gift that makes them pee squirt from laughing.
The (Secret) Front-Middle Pocket
Posted by Andy on November 8th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS
It’s the secret that everyone knows about. It doesn’t really have an official name because it isn’t spoken of, but if it were given a name it might be humorously called “the hand holster,” “pouch ‘o’ grapes” or the “family jewel vault.” I like to call it simply and plainly the “front-middle pocket” or FMP.
Every pair of men’s or boy’s pants, shorts, breeches, pantaloons, even a diaper, has this pocket. It may not have any special stitching or distinct embroidering to indicate that it’s even there at all. But it’s there alright! This isn’t to say that every male human being walking the Earth uses their FMP, but it does say that, at any moment, they could.
In nearly every culture, use of the FMP is generally frowned upon, but it has its uses. Many a traveler has made good use of the FMP while in foreign lands with dusty little kids that like to bump into tourists and relieve them of the unbearable weight of their wallets. In emergency situations, a man may sacrifice propriety and use the FMP to avoid frostbitten fingers. Similarly, lots of kids have used the FMP on candies that are like tire rubber when cold, and soft when warm (hopefully with the wrapper still on).
Lucas providing real-life demonstrations of how to properly sport a fully-loaded FMP.
Parents with male babies should therefore not be alarmed if they discover their little ones, like our Lucas, walking around with their hands jammed down the front of their pants or diapers. It’s okay. And even if it isn’t really okay, from a social and sanitary perspective, there’s not a whole lot that can be done about it. The only way you can take away the FMP is by applying a liberal dose of nudity to the little one. Which is cute, but stops being cute once it gets messy. Other means to circumvent use of the FMP may not be advisable, such as stocking the kid’s wardrobe entirely with overalls or duct taping on a pair of boxing gloves.
Just remember as a parent of an FMP-user, that it’s probably best to just let it pass as a phase and stock up on hand sanitizer and wipes in the meantime. If the habit persists passed boyhood, you may want to reconsider the overalls and boxing glove idea.
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Speaking of secrets and diapers…
You’ll see.
But wait…
It gets dumber. As per usual.
Bad Product Idea #5: Tranquoo Child Anti-Wakefulness System
Posted by Andy on November 1st, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS
[ click the image to enlarge ]
There is nothing more precious, more beautiful, than the image of your child in a deep, restful and rosey-cheeked slumber. But that preciousness and beauty is multiplied by 10,000 when it follows the utter, sanity-testing misery of your child screaming, flailing and refusing to go to sleep for an hour or two or more.
Allow yourself to dream for a moment. It’s okay if you break wind. That just means you’re relaxing and it’s working. Imagine an organic, non-habit forming solution to your restless toddler problems. Tranquoo is the ideal child anti-wakefulness system, using modern technology to provide a silent, accurate way to get a virtually instant parenting break from it all.
Parents know when their kid hits that point where they need to sleep. Or else. And sometimes it seems like the Sandman needs a cue a little stronger than an “eh-hem!” when it comes to the situation. Like a big, purple and green gun shooting him in the face, telling him to come on over and get the #### to work drowning your kid in his sleepy sand! Well, guess what… Your dream just came true. BLING!
It doesn’t matter why. Maybe they’re sugared up on a diabetes-inducing quantity of candy, maybe they’ve just passed that over-tired threshold where non-sleep turns into violent craziness, it doesn’t matter. Tranquoo is there for you.
Don’t get the wrong idea. The makers of Tranquoo love kids. All kids are adorable, when they’re not in the throws of tormented insanity. Our system was developed out of a love of kids and a strong desire for them to stay alive and well-cared for by way of their parents maintaining their sanity.
The sleek design and bright colors of the Tranquoo pneumatic pistol will liven up any diaper bag. And now, with our dosages for teenaged children, Tranquoo can stay a part of your family as it grows up!
Use Tranqoo and you’ll say “Tranq you very much!”
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Baby Sleep Positions: “H Is for Hell”
Posted by Andy on October 25th, 2011, under INSTRUCTIONAL DIAGRAMS
Every parent knows this letter. Fears it! It’s the H. Some may say it stands for “horrible” but don’t listen to them, they’re just whitewashing it. It stands for Hell. And it’s the kind of night you’re both going to have.
This was one of the first “baby in bed” sleep positions we noted down before we even launched HowToBeADad.com. When we were initially spit-balling ideas back and forth for the series, all Charlie had to say was “the H” and I was immediately laughing humorlessly with bitter familiarity. No explanation necessary.
Since then, we’ve had a surprising number of people comment or email in, suggesting Charlie and I do this specific position (that didn’t sound right). Never mind. So! All this firmed it up in our minds, that the H position seems to be ingrained into parents. Into our lower backs and stomachs at least, but maybe even at a cellular level, as deeply and mysteriously as sea turtles that know how to paddle their way back to their birthplace through about a bazillion gallons of saltwater and oil company accidents.
Parents just never forget the H. Maybe it’s because sometimes they’ve had several hours a night to think about it… with their eyes wide open… for a year or more…
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Assume the position!
Check out the rest of the Baby Sleep Positions series.
Finn is learning his ABCs
Learning is funny.