Counting Costs
Feb 9, 2012 by Amy
There are those who refer to us homemakers as “parasites.” Or who try to guilt us out of our homes by pointing out how poor we must be making our families by stubbornly refusing to get out there and earn a paycheck. I’ve seen homemakers firing back with data showing how much a homemaker is worth, how much a family saves by the wife staying home to care for the children and other services rather than having to pay for daycare or household help. While there’s some validity to these points, I find in my own experience that focusing on the economic issue alone rather misses the point.
Money is not the reason I’m called to keep the home, and I suspect it’s not the primary force that brought anyone into this lifestyle. I know there are some who cannot be full-time homemakers because their family’s circumstances will not allow it (saving up to stay home in the future, disabled spouse, etc..), but as one for whom it is a possibility, I think it’s truly my calling.
When we are instructed to be “working at home, kind, and submissive to our own husbands” in Titus 2, Paul does not tell us that we do this to save money. This is how we serve God and uphold His word, and the benefits we and our families reap from our homemaking go so far beyond the financial. As a practical matter, instead of each person in the family exerting the bulk of their energies toward meeting someone else’s goals, a home with a homemaker at its center tends to become more of a team. I’m not spending most of my days concerned with helping Law Firm X, but instead with bettering our household. Likewise, instead of us both coming home and crashing on the couch, I’m starting to notice that things have been changing in my marriage as well. My husband seems less focused on work as purely “the career,” but also as his calling that allows him to care for our household. There’s a lot more “we” in this way of ordering things.
More importantly, the benefits of being a homemaker are eternal. In discussing how we are to live as God’s people, we all know that in the Old Testament, the Proverbs 31 lady is highly praised. And no wonder – if you read that chapter, she sounds like the CEO of homemaking! More importantly, if you read that chapter, you see that her work is not just limited to her own pleasure and that of her husband. Instead her service, in reverence for the Lord, causes her children also to “rise up and call her blessed” (v.28) and as we see in v. 23, her husband is given a place of respect in the community. Those of you with children are probably also mindful of God’s command in Deuteronomy 6:7 that, “(y)ou shall teach them [God's words] diligently to your children…” We are charged not with making a happy little cottage that looks like it belongs in a magazine and makes us proud. Our work has a more eternal nature. Homemaking is a ministry, and we by our actions create a center from which our households can serve God, learn His ways and reach out into the world. And that legacy of faith from generation to generation has a worth that we might miss if we look at the world only in terms of paychecks.
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Invest in Your Marriage this Valentine’s Day
Feb 8, 2012 by desiringvirtue
Nothing says “I love you” like “I want to actively work toward loving your more sincerely, serving you more sacrificially, and honestly growing with you in the likeness of Christ this year.” Isn’t that what we all want for our marriages? Don’t we desire to year after year grow closer, stronger, and more unified as a couple? Don’t we desperately desire for our marriages to draw us closer to the Savior and to reflect him more clearly to a watching world?
Something my husband and I love to do is read books on the subject of marriage. Sometimes we read them together, sometimes we listen to them together (as in the old school audio books), and sometimes when that is not possible, we just read them individually.
The best part about reading a book together (even if you can’t read it at the exact same time) is that you can work together to understand and implement what you have just read. It gives you the opportunity to be intimately involved in the growth of your marriage. It promotes unity by allowing you to see as your spouse sees and allows you to understand what your spouse expects, feels, and desires from your marriage. There is an intimacy that grows as you are together challenged toward greater Christ-likeness and you are forced to speak of things that sometimes you would rather just went unsaid. Reading together is good, because it inevitably leads to talking together and growing together.
Today I would like to share a few of the best books available today that focus on the topic of marriage. These books are all great resources for couples who desire to grow both in their relationship together and in their relationship with the Lord. I would encourage you to make it a point to read at least one of them together this year as you seek to honor the Lord in your marriage. I would encourage you to buy one as a Valentine’s Day Gift for your husband to say:
I want to actively work toward loving your more sincerely, serving you more sacrificially, and honestly growing with you in the likeness of Christ this year.
Three Marriage Books We Highly Recommend:
1.) What Did You Expect?? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage
By Paul David Tripp
Publisher’s Description:
“Marriage, according to Scripture, will always involve two flawed people living with each other in a fallen world. Yet, in pastor Paul Tripp’s professional experience, the majority of couples entermarriage with unrealistic expectations, leaving them unprepared forthe day-to-day realities of married life.
This unique book introduces a biblical and practical approach to those realities that is rooted in God’s faithfulness and Scripture’s teaching on sin and grace. “Spouses need to bereconciled to each other and to God on a daily basis,” Tripp declares. “Since we’re always sinners married to sinners, reconciliation isn’t just the right response in moments of failure. It must be the lifestyle of any healthy marriage.”
What Did You Expect? presents six practical commitments that give shape and momentum to such a lifestyle. These commitments, which include honestly facing sin, weakness, and failure; willingness to change; and embodying Christ’s love, will equip couples to develop a thriving, grace-based marriage in all circumstances and seasons of their relationship.”
Why We Love This Book:
This book is real. It deals with the disillusionment that inevitably comes when we realize that our spouse is not the “perfect” person we thought they were. Rather than coming from a “Here’s how it should be…” approach, Tripp assumes you have come to the point where you see “how it truly is” and then shows you how Christ can heal, grow, and unify your marriage. It helps you to see God’s purpose in putting you together with your spouse and encourages you to practically love one another with the love that has been shown to us through Christ.
“What Did You Expect” is the number one book I recommend these days. I wish that every married person could read it, because it is truly eye opening.
Click here to read more of what I think about this book
2.) When Sinners Say “I do:” Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage
by Dave Harvey
Publisher’s Description:
Marriage is the union of two people who arrive at the altar toting some surprisingly large luggage. Often it gets opened right there on the honeymoon, sometimes it waits for the week after. The Bible calls it sin and understanding its influence can make all the difference for a man and woman who are building a life together. When Sinners Say “I Do” is about encountering the life-transforming power of the gospel in the unpredictable journey of marriage.
Dave’s writing style embraces the reader as he speaks honestly, and sometimes humorously, about sin and the power of the gospel to overcome it. He opens the delightful truth of God s word and encourages the reader to see more clearly the glorious picture of what God does when sinners say “I do.”
Why We Love This Book:
This book focuses on how the gospel effects the way you interact with one another in your marriage. One of the most helpful and encouraging chapters was on dealing with your spouse’s sin where Dave gives some very practical and challenging instructions.
Click here to read more of what I think about this book.3.) The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
by Timothy Keller
Publisher’s Description:
There has never been a marriage book like THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE.
Based on the acclaimed sermon series by New York Times bestselling author Timothy Keller, this book shows everyone-Christians, skeptics, singles, long-time married couples, and those about to be engaged-the vision of what marriage should be according to the Bible.
Modern culture would make you believe that everyone has a soul-mate; that romance is the most important part of a successful marriage; that your spouse is there to help you realize your potential; that marriage does not mean forever, but merely for now; that starting over after a divorce is the best solution to seemingly intractable marriage issues. All those modern-day assumptions are, in a word, wrong.
Using the Bible as his guide, coupled with insightful commentary from his wife of thirty-six years, Kathy, Timothy Keller shows that God created marriage to bring us closer to him and to bring us more joy in our lives. It is a glorious relationship that is also the most misunderstood and mysterious. With a clear-eyed understanding of the Bible, and meaningful instruction on how to have a successful marriage, The Meaning of Marriage is essential reading for anyone who wants to know God and love more deeply in this life.
Why We Love This Book:
This book brings the important “God and your marriage” topic to light. It isn’t just about marriage, it is about God and your marriage. Why did God create marriage in the first place? Why does it matter? What are the implications of God’s design for marriage? Why did God create sex and what are the implications of that on our intimacy with one another? These are really important questions and Keller dives right into them in a beautiful, Biblical, and thoughtful way. I will publish a full review of this book in the near future.
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A Good Wife
Feb 7, 2012 by desiringvirtue
Did you know that God is in the business of making you a better wife? I know that you struggle with a bad attitude and with a propensity to selfishness. I know that the word submission makes your stomach churn and the hair on the back of your neck stand up. I know that it isn’t easy to love that man you are with, to give your life for him, to sacrifice your desires for his. I know because I feel it to. I feel that struggle with sinful flesh, the struggle to satisfy my own longings, my own wants, my own “needs.” It is the struggle against anarchy, against a body that desperately wants to defy its Maker. It is a struggle against this woman in me who desires to follow after her mother Eve; that woman who chose the promises of a liar over the truth of the Living God.
But Christ, precious Messiah, holy Savior came to liberate us from the chains of sin. He was willingly put to death by the Father so that he could secure the death of the sin reigning in our bodies. Yes, he died to crush the power of our pride, our selfishness, and our insubordination. He rose mightily from the grave so that we could live new, holy lives. He implanted his Holy Spirit within our very bodies so that we would bear good fruit–so that we could learn to love, sacrifice, submit. We are new creations. The cross demands that we turn away from our old ways and live in the knowledge of what Christ has done for us. He has made us better wives. He is making us better wives. His Spirit, full of GRACE, full of POWER, is at work within you to do his will and his will is to transform you.
The Lord hasn’t commanded you to respect your husband and not given you the power to do so.
The Lord hasn’t commanded you to submit to your husbands and not given you the power to do so.
The Lord hasn’t commanded you to love our husband and not given you the power to do so.
No, your obedience to God, your ability to respect, submit, and love your husband, is empowered by his GRACE, his mighty, life-giving grace.
You see, your story is part of God’s story. He is in the business of renewing his creation. Through Christ, he is restoring what was broken; he is erasing the horrid effect of Adam and Eve’s sin. Through Christ, he is growing your marriage toward the perfection that Adam and Eve were meant to live in. He is giving you the strength to fight against the sin that still wages war in your body.
No, perfection will never be attained in this world, but the pursuit is possible and victories are attainable because you do not work alone. You do not strive toward holiness alone. You are fighting with the power of the God of the universe. It is his pleasure to bring about respect, submission, and love in your thoughts, words, and actions. It is his will for you to live in the glorious reality of the redeemed. You were set free from sin so that you could taste the joyful fruit of Christ-likeness. What heavenly delights are made available to those who are in Christ and how desperately those who have tasted of these delights long for the day they will fully experience holiness, when this sinful flesh is wiped away forever. Those who have tasted the appetizers of Heaven are ravenous for the feast set before them.
Press on today toward holiness, but only as you press in to Christ. Your efforts toward being a good wife are futile if they are an attempt toward self-sanctification. Self-sanctification is impossible. You will only find disillusionment, pain, and failure in your own attempts.
Christ is your sanctification.
Christ is your path toward living a holy life.
Christ is your hope of being a good wife.
Look to Christ and be saved.
Look to him and be sanctified.
You can obey God’s commands, because Christ bought obedience for you. He has provided a way of escape from every temptation, but you must look to him as your Savior and King and choose to follow him. Take hold of the obedience he bought for you and walk in that newness of life. Fight hard toward being a good wife because he fights with you.
Respect your husband.
Submit to your husband.
Love your husband.
Christ has made it possible.
Live in the reality of the freedom he has bought for you and taste the fruits of living according to his perfect will.
Why?
“We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.” (Romans 6:4 ESV)
“…you also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God.” (Romans 7:4 ESV)
“If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.” (Romans 8:11 ESV)
“…and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” (2 Corinthians 5:15 ESV)
“…having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised him from the dead.” (Colossians 2:12 ESV)
“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you…” (Colossians 3:1-5 ESV)
“And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption…” (1 Corinthians 1:30 ESV)
“I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.” (Romans 6:19 ESV)
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The Power & Pattern for Marriage
Feb 3, 2012 by desiringvirtue
“The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keep us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.
The hard times of marriage drive us to experience more of this transforming love of God. But a good marriage will also be a place where we experience more of this kind of transforming love at a human level. The gospel can fill our hearts with God’s love so that you can handle it when your spouse fails to love you as he or she should. That frees us to see our spouse’s sins and flaws to the bottom–and speak of them–and yet still love and accept our spouse fully. And when, by the power of the gospel, our spouse experiences that same kind of truthful yet committed love, it enables our spouses to show us that same kind of transforming love when the time comes for it.
This is the great secret! Through the gospel, we get both the power and the pattern for the journey of marriage.”
-The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller
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Coffee Talk Cards and Marriage Challenges
Feb 2, 2012 by desiringvirtue
Since posting the Year of Romance gift idea (click here to view it), I have been asked if I would share some of the coffee talk questions I used and some of the challenges that I included in the box my husband received.
Today I am going to make some Coffee Talk printables available to you and also share some suggestions for challenges you could use for your Year of Romance.
Coffee Talk Cards
These are simple questions to ask one another that you might not otherwise ask. Some are simple and easy to answer, others require more thought and interaction. The goal is to open up conversations on a more meaningful level rather than the:
“So how was work today?”
“Good. How were things at the house today?”
“Good.”
Yeah.
These cards are formatted for business card paper so as to make things easier for you! Just print them out, slip them in a nice envelope and periodically go through a couple as you find the time. Each card has one to three questions on it. Take them to the coffee shop with you or discuss the topics alone in your room before going to bed. Enjoy getting to know one another again!
Coffee Talk Questions
Marriage Challenges
Also in the Year of Romance gift I created challenges for us to engage in as a couple. Several of you have asked for suggestions so here are a list of challenges I came up with for us. Hopefully you find them inspiring!
- Commit to pray for one another every day and with each other every day this month (Continue this every month).
- Every day this month, encourage one another with what the Lord is teaching you. What are you learning in the word, from the circumstances of your day, through your prayer life?
- Speak positively of your spouse every day this month. Tell a coworker, share it on Facebook, tell a friend. Compliment them, praise them, and encourage them in front of others.
- Focus this month on only speaking kind words to one another. Guard your lips from being rude or critical. When you sin in this area, quickly ask for forgiveness.
- Handwrite a love letter to your spouse expressing your devotion and love for them. Send it through the mail to be received unexpectedly.
- Surprise your spouse this month by buying them an unexpected gift. It doesn’t need to be expensive, just a little something to let them know you were thinking about them.
- Create a list throughout the month of things you love about each other. At the end of the month share your list with each other.
- Look for a practical way you can serve each other every day this month.
- Practice giving thanks to each other and for each other this month. Watch carefully for ways that your spouse blesses you and verbally acknowledge them when they do.
- Devote one night every week to focusing on each other. Cut out all media from your night.
I hope this is helpful for those of you who are trying to put together your own Year of Romance gift!