When God Asks You For Your Isaac
Nov 9, 2011 by desiringvirtue
I could hear an audible sob from my husband, but couldn’t bear to look back at him. My eyes wouldn’t move from that computer screen, the screen projecting our lifeless baby girl. In grainy black and white we watched as the technician traced his mouse over her tiny, motionless heart. I struggled as tears fell from my eyes and my chest began to heave.
A baby girl.
How often I had hoped and dreamed of raising a daughter, a woman I could disciple in the ways of Biblical femininity, a little girl who’s hair I could braid and decorate with ribbon, a baby who would wear sun dresses in the summer and tights in the winter. But none of that mattered for those few minutes in that dark room. All that mattered was that she was dead, my little baby was dead.
Sleepless nights, hopeless days, blood shot eyes and puffy red faces: tokens of a sorrow running deep within our souls. And yet beneath the wavy, turbulent surface of our lives there rested a deep and abiding Spirit, a Comforter who anchored our faith.
“Will you give me your little girl?” I kept hearing those words over and over again.
With trembling lips and a frail countenance I offered her up to him as often as he asked; “Yes Lord, she is yours, I give her freely.”
Some wonder at our devotion to a God who would take something so precious from us, who would allow us so much hurt. Others look at us as spiritual giants who seem to possess such incredible faith. And all I can reply to both is, “How could we not love him? How could we not be completely devoted to the one who has given everything for us?”
If you truly met this Savior who loves his redeemed so deeply and serves them so faithfully, if you could see his blood stained brow, his nail pierced hands, his bleeding side, and you could hear him say he did it all for you, you too would give him everything, you would give him anything.
It is in these moments when I feel I can taste the devotion, wrought by the Spirit of God, tested by trials and upheld by his faithfullness, that Christian maturity longs for. It is at times like this that I can faintly taste the faith of our father Abraham, a man willing to do the unthinkable, because he trusted in the goodness of our God.
These most vulnerable of times, these most humble of moments seem to lift us to the highest of heights. We seem to almost feel God’s overwhelming presence. When our lives are stripped bare and we are left with Job’s bewildering poverty there is nothing to be seen but the fortitude of our faith, nothing but the grace of God bracing our frail spirits.
It seems that love is proven not in the heights of ecstasy, but in the pits of despair, when there seems to be no visible reason to give God our affections at all. Here in the pit of loss and longing our love is tested and tried. Here we are proven to be his beloved children, those who have been transformed by the inner working of the Holy Spirit, slowly being fashioned into the image of his Son.
And how brightly the Son shines in the darkness of despair. How lovely does he appear to his bride when she needs him the most, when she is shivering with grief. He, who cares so deeply for our every hurt, our every pain, carries us through such difficult times-times when our legs give way and we fear we will never again walk back into the light.
No, when he asked for my little girl, for my Anastasia, I couldn’t deny him. I could only thank him for the honor and blessing of carrying her for 17 weeks and then give back what was never truly mine to begin with.
When he asked me if I loved him, I could only respond with “How could I not?”
Related Posts: One Picture, The Lord Gives and The Lord Takes Away, The Joys and Sorrows of Miscarriage
Linking this post up at: Time Warp Wife and Raising Homemakers
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My name is Jessalyn Hutto and I am the author and editor of DV. My greatest desire is to encourage your soul today to trust in the grace of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior not only for salvation, but for the the strength to daily live a Christ exalting life. Desiring Virtue is a Christ-centered, doctrinally rich resource for Christian women who desire to bring honor to the Lord through their homemaking. To learn more about this site just click on the "About DV" tab at the top of this page. If this is your first time here, make sure to connect to Desiring Virtue through Facebook and Twitter to stay up to date on the latest posts and engage in the encouraging conversation. Thank you for visiting today!
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19 Comments
Jessalyn – my heart breaks for you during this tragedy. I am so thrilled to see your awareness of the Lord’s goodness and comfort. What a testimony to the world!
Sweet friend, this is perfect. How can we not? I love you & have been (& will continue to be) praying for you all. I miss you <3
Beautifully written. Still praying for you guys.
I am so deeply saddened by this tragedy in your and Richard’s life. It hurts me to my core but I know that you are so strong and faithful to our very loving God. He is and forever will take care of you and your family, whether here on Earth or in Heaven with Him. Prayers to you in this difficult time.
Praying for you guys in this sorrow. So glad to find your blog and to see that the depth of your love for God continues to grow. Remembering, with joy, knowing you in Texas…
My heart just aches for you all. But what a beautiful testimony to Anastasia, and to God’s love. Blessings and peace to you.
Jessie,
Your faithful testimony of the Lord’s gentle mercy in the crucible of loss cause my heart to praise Him with this song:
“Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation.
Oh my soul praise Him for He is thy health and salvation.
All you who hear, now to His temple draw near.
Join me in glad adoration.
Hallelujah!”
I am so very proud of you for keeping your eyes focused on the glory of the Saviour during this time. I love you!
Job 23:10 – “But He knows the way that I take, and when He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.”
Chelle
Just praying…{{in tears}}
Jessalyn, words fail me here. I don’t know what to say to bring you the comfort I so wish to impart. I am weeping with you, praying with you. Your testimony of God’s grace sustaining us through the darkest times is beautiful. Many prayers and love to you friend.
So beautifully written, Jessalyn. I’m so sorry for your loss, but thankful that you are able to share your testimony and wisdom. God bless you.
Jessalyn, your amazing faith in our amazing God shines brightly in this dark time. Praying for y’all.
Dearest Jessie and Richard,
My heart is saddened….. I am so sorry for your loss of little precious Anastasia. Our prayers are with you, may God comfort you and protect you. Your testament to God is beautifully expressed and heartfelt.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
Yours In Christ with Love,
Susan Ewing
Jessalyn-
Praise God for His great strength and grace being seen in your life as you go through this difficult trial! You and Richard are continually in our prayers as you rest in Him and His will during these hard days. We love you!
Lisa Tyson
“Great God Who saves…” is the song I hear as I finished reading your post.
I’m so sorry for your loss. How my heart goes out to you, Jessalyn, and also to your dear husband and family. May His comfort overflow to all of you.
The Lord sees and carries your load,
-E
Jessalyn- Thank you so much for sharing such a raw story. I can’t even imagine. My heart aches for you.
Thank you for this very personal story. Last week was two months since my miscarriage (At 16 weeks). I needed this reminder to willingly submit to God’s plan for my life.
Thank you for your post. He asked for our Silas when I was 20 wks earlier this year and it continues to be a journey of faith to love and trust him and to give up what was never ours.
I just happened upon this post and though you don’t know me, I am sending up a prayer for you. I have 5 babies in heaven – 4 through miscarriage and one precious baby that lived only 4 months. I know that without my faith in God this would at times be unbearable. God knows what we need and I often take comfort in the fact that those babies are with Him in heaven.
God Bless you.
Thank you for your sweet words Christy. And thank you for your prayers.
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