| HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU MARRIED THE RIGHT PERSON? |
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During one of my seminars, a woman asked me a question. She said, How do I know if I married the right person?
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, It depends. Is that your husband?
In all seriousness, how do you know if you married the right person?
Heres the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasnt hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didnt have to DO anything. Thats why its called falling in lovebecause its happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, I was swept off my feet. Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. Its a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. Its the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouses idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, Did I marry the right person? And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
Im not saying that you couldnt fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY youd feel better. But youd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; ITS LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. Itll NEVER just happen to you. You cant find LASTING love. You have to make it day in and day out. Thats why we have the expression the labor of love. Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictableyou can make love.
Mort Fertel
Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness
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