I am DIVINE, just not THAT Divine…
Posted by Sarah on May 3, 2010 in Life | 7 comments
I’m pretty full of myself. Well, at least in the past few years. Or months. Weeks? Whatever…I’m really good at seeming confident, which really, counts for a lot. But since I started my blog I’ve gotten really confident – in my fashion, my writing skills, who I am. So, I start to think that maybe I am finally impervious to the comments of other people – which has always been my Achilles’ heel. I am sarcastic, and I can dish it out and take it – but I can’t take unsolicited comments, especially those said behind my back. One negative comment can knock me from my pedestal in an instant – blow me right off and have me land flat on my face, struggling to get up again.
So, that happened Saturday.
I was informed that someone “jokingly” likes to tell everyone (including my boy!) that he thinks I am really a man. And that I look like the famous drag
Devine...or me?
queen, Divine.
Ouch.
Usually, I can just laugh this type of thing off, but this one really hit me. It sent my happy Saturday morning of running errands, drinking coffee, and tidying up my apartment while I waited for my bestie, to me laying in bed, feeling miserable.
The reason why?
All through my childhood and my teen years, I had to deal with boys bullying me, always calling me a “man” or drawing pictures of me with a mustache, or making fun of my voice and imitating it. I always tried to brush it off, holding back tears, because if I got upset at all, they would just push it further and get others to join in. I had no confidence in high school. I had my small group of friends, but even that didn’t give me any self-esteem. I was a geek, I played clarinet, I was a fat girl with a deep voice, I dressed like either a wannabe skater (Billabong, anyone?) or a goth kid (Yup, dog collar, bondage pants and all!) to try to show that I didn’t care what people said about me, but oh, did I. I cared too much. I grew up in such a small town, went to a K-12 school with the same people the entire time, so I turned into a big ball of self-doubt.
But then I went to college. And I realized, I can be whoever I want to be. No one here knows me. I can be WHO I AM. And my transformation began. My fashion changed drastically; cut-off teeshirts, big flare jeans, moving on to more sophiscated things as the years went on, and I finally felt good about myself. I found my niche and I wasn’t afraid of anything.
But sometimes, that high school feeling just creeps up on me, like it did on Saturday. I lost who I was for a while. And after having a mini-pity party for myself, I thought:
WHO CARES WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS – YOU ARE NOT THAT TEENAGER ANYMORE!
And I got up, I put on my new pink dish gloves (of course I have pink dish gloves!) and did all the dishes while Carl mopped the floors and my dogs all played on the balcony.
And hey, Divine was a pretty amazing, talented person who broke a lot of boundaries and was loved by many – so go ahead, call me DIVINE!
Do your old insecurities still get to you sometimes? How do you deal with them?
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About Me
Sarah is a 20-something with 3 dogs and a hamster as companions. Armed with two degrees in creative writing, she is a sales manager at a hotel, which makes no sense at all. A hipster in (somewhat) denial, this blog details anything from what she wore that day to how awesome naps are. Enjoy!
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Peoples rude comments are like assholes,everyone has got one,however its how you deal wit it. Big ups kid,just keep being you!
its so hard to get over those kinds of comments, especially the ones that are said to you when you’re young and still figuring out who you are. i was (and am) a major bookworm nerdy type of girl and i still feel nervous wearing my glasses out in public (i’m a devoted contact wearer now) because i was picked on so badly in high school.
anyways, i saw your blog on IDF, and i’ve got two useless degrees in creative writing too (a B.A. in creative writing, an MFA in poetry)! i love that there’s another creative writer out here that’s interested in fashion too.
thriftypoet.blogspot.com
Divine is actually quite divine, but I don’t see any physical resemblance. It’s funny how sometimes you can brush negative stuff like that off and other times it really gets to you. What sometimes makes me feel better is thinking what a douche a-hole they are and realizing I don’t give a dammed what they think.
It’s hard to get past that high school mentality. I think most of us went through similar hells.
Good for you for getting past this though, We like you exactly as you are.
I have always admired your fashion sense and how effortlessly you rock pieces that I would NEVER in a million years be able to pull off. You are fabulous and I love you for that.
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Aww sorry to hear about this hurtful experience. It’s amazing how high school experiences can still affect you years down the road, isn’t it? I was always a quiet nerdy type when I was younger and it took a while for me to blossom, but I still feel like a plain Jane bookworm sometimes.
Of course our insecurities get to us! It’s difficult to be stoic all the time. But, like you, I mope around and then move on. We have to realize we’re bigger and better than that and save the stress for problems that really deserve it. Has their opinion in any way changed the way YOU perceive yourself? Or the way YOU make a living? The things that make YOU happy? No. And the reason they say these things is because they find something unflattering about their own selves.
Great post! Glad it was part of IFB’s Links a la Mode this week
XX,
Neekoh
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this is a very powerful post! i deal with those issues sometimes. you’re right- we have to move on
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