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Previous Dirt Files
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Kid rock sex tape / ricin - which is worse?
Nsa spying scandal - not so innocent questions
Iran / pakistan / rhode island?!
Prescription drug dreams
Presidents day trivia!
Cheney cover up, keeping bush out of jail
Cheney's got a gun
Anti-american pie!
Valentine's day quiz
Shoot first, avoid questions later!
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CONSERVATIVE COLLAPSE!
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A couple weeks ago, yer old pal Jerky reported on the triumvirate of traitors who, after getting caught red-handed doing the Bush administration's dirty deeds, have now turned against their former masters in a desperate, last-ditch effort to avoid going to jail.
It now looks as though Abramoff, Libby and Brown represented only the first wave in what now appears to be a tsunami of rats abandoning the Good Ship Dubya. Today, we check out the latest batch of about-faces from the conservative movement...
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FRANCIS FUKUYAMA
Position: Think-tank bigshot; token Asian neoconservative.
Bona Fides: Founding member of PNAC; author of the 1992's New York Times bestselling, Los Angeles Times Book Prize-winning tome, The End of History and the Last Man.
Used to Say: As a signator to PNAC's statement of principles, Fukuyama tacitly approved of the "unipolar moment" concept, the idea that winning the Cold War gave the United States carte blanche to use any means necessary to "shape the next century" in a way "favorable to American principles and interests".
Now Says: "The so-called Bush Doctrine that set the framework for the administrations first term is now in shambles. Successful preemption depends on the ability to predict the future accurately and on good intelligence, which was not forthcoming, while America's perceived unilateralism has isolated it as never before."
Reason for Change of Heart: Widely considered to be far smarter than the average neocon, Fukuyama's reading of the global realpolitik finally caught up with that of the average Dirt reader. Congrats, Franky!
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WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY JR
Position: Founder and long-time editor of little-read right-wing magazine The National Review
Bona Fides: Godfather to and minence grise of the modern conservative intellectual movement; public intellectual (ret.); professional contrarian; gadabout.
Used to Say: "Kill them all and let Allah sort them out, Old Bean."
Now Says: "One can't doubt that the American objective in Iraq has failed. With the benefit of minute hindsight, Saddam Hussein wasnt the kind of extra-territorial menace that was assumed by the administration one year ago. If I knew then what I know now about what kind of situation we would be in, I would have opposed the war. ... Within their own counsels, different plans have to be made. And the kernel here is the acknowledgement of defeat."
Reason for Change of Heart: Sincere introspection sparked by his looming demise.
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WILLIAM KRISTOL
Position: Founder and long-time editor of little-read right-wing journal The Weekly Standard; think-tank bigshot; King Chickenhawk.
Bona Fides: Hereditary heir to neoconservativism's Founding Father, Irving Kristol; wrote speeches for Dan Quayle and was his Chief of Staff.
Used to Say: ...that bringing democracy to the Middle East would be a cakewalk.
Now Says: "We have not had a serious three-year effort to fight a war in Iraq as opposed to lay the preconditions for getting out."
Reason for Change of Heart: Head-on collision with a little thing called REALITY.
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MICHAEL LEDEEN
Position: Self-described "democratic revolutionary"
Bona Fides: Has acted as an operative for a variety of international right-wing intel agencies; was a bagman during Iran/Contra; his views are so extreme, even Pat Buchanan thinks he's a fascist.
Used to Say: Writing about Poppy Bush's National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft's 2002 warning that going into Iraq would turn the region into "a cauldron", Ledeen wrote: "One can only hope that we turn the region into a cauldron, and faster, please. If ever there were a region that richly deserved being cauldronized, it is the Middle East today."
Now Says: ...that the invasion was bungled by incompetents; that anybody involved in torturing prisoners of war -- or setting policy that promotes the torturing of prisoners of war -- should be held accountable.
Reason for Change of Heart: Creating a self-defense "paper trail" for any future Nuremberg trials.
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BILL O'REILLY
Position: FOX News's resident pompous bag of wind.
Bona Fides: Bill O'Reilly is the Chuck Norris of conservative-style debate techniques. Nobody can pretend to be outraged, or scream menacingly at orphans, quite like Bill.
Used to Say: ...that anybody who opposed invading Iraq was either an idiot or a traitor, and that the only reason anybody was against the war was because the liberal biased media were refusing to report on all the GOOD things that were happening there.
Now Says: "There are so many nuts in the country -- so many crazies -- that we can't control them. And I don't -- we're never gonna be able to control them. So the only solution to this is to hand over everything to the Iraqis as fast as humanly possible. Because we just can't control these crazy people."
Reason for Change of Heart: That's the beauty of conservative rhetoric... you don't need a reason! He's already begun to backtrack! In two weeks, he'll be trying to SUE anybody who claims he ever said America should leave Iraq! The guy is a fuckin' MASTER!
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by David F!
A woman on a plane arriving from Switzerland found that she had bought too much, and would have troubles getting it all through customs on arrival. Finding herself seated next to a priest, she asked: "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course, my child. What can I do for you?"
"Here is my problem. I bought myself a new, sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face, Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions". And she gave him the gadget.
When the aircraft arrived at its destination and the priest presented himself to customs, he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Good one, Father. Next!"
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Thanks to our old pal Nan or Ben for sending in today's second joke.
These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.
"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.
So the passenger says, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?"
To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Today's groaner was sent in by Jim Eby...
Rejected titled for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN:
HIGH NOONER
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
TRUE, HE GRITS
POLESMOKE
THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE
BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
PAINT YOUR FAG ON
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE WILD BRUNCH
HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
THE HOARSE SOLDIERS
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
A FISTFUL OF NED
HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO
ROOSTER COCKBURN
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
PRANCES WITH WOLVES
BALONEY PONY RODEO
TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
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THEY SAID IT!
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"EACH UNIVERSITY UNDER THE JURISDICTION OF THE ARIZONA BOARD OF REGENTS AND EACH COMMUNITY COLLEGE UNDER THE JURISDICTION OF A COMMUNITY COLLEGE DISTRICT SHALL ADOPT PROCEDURES BY WHICH STUDENTS WHO OBJECT TO ANY COURSE, COURSEWORK, LEARNING MATERIAL OR ACTIVITY ON THE BASIS THAT IT IS PERSONALLY OFFENSIVE SHALL BE PROVIDED WITHOUT FINANCIAL OR ACADEMIC PENALTY AN ALTERNATIVE COURSE, ALTERNATIVE COURSEWORK, ALTERNATIVE LEARNING MATERIALS OR ALTERNATIVE ACTIVITY. OBJECTION TO A COURSE, COURSEWORK, LEARNING MATERIAL OR ACTIVITY ON THE BASIS THAT IT IS PERSONALLY OFFENSIVE INCLUDES OBJECTIONS THAT THE COURSE, COURSEWORK, LEARNING MATERIAL OR ACTIVITY CONFLICTS WITH THE STUDENTS BELIEFS OR PRACTICES IN SEX, MORALITY OR RELIGION."
- As our old pal ACD points out in a letter to yours truly, Article 8 of Section 1, Title 15, chapter 14, Arizona Revised Statutes (relating to curricula at the Arizona State) pretty much states that "any kid can refuse any assignment in political science, economics, history, religion, biology of course, astronomy, government, sociology, anthropology, archaeology, and literature."
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ON THIS DAY
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February 27
On this day in 1957, the first prime-time network TV show to have a title that begins with the letter "X" premieres on NBC The Xavier Cugat Show! It would be nearly four decades before another network show beginning with "X" reached our television screens: Fox's The X-Files. This is, quite possibly, the single most useless piece of information ever printed in the history of The Daily Dirt. And that's saying something.
On this day in 1991, the Gulf War One "ends."
Also on this day in 1991, millionaire pornography impresario Artie Mitchell is shot to death by his brother and business partner Jim at his luxurious home in San Francisco. After an OJ-esque trial where extensive use was made of computer-generated re-creations of the crime scene, Jim Mitchell was found guilty of manslaughter and sentenced to a mere six years in the slammer. He's back on the streets, now, running a strip club.
On this day in 2003, Fred Rogers, ordained Presbyterian minister and beloved host of PBS's long-running Mister Roger's Neighborhood, dies of stomach cancer at his home in Pittsburgh. He was seventy four years old. Over a career that spanned children's educational television from its humble, black and white beginnings in the early sixties, through the elaborate musical numbers of the seventies, beyond the eighties and its cults of personality, and all the way through the surrealism of the nineties, Mister Rogers' brand of gentle entertainment not only survived, but thrived. His show was, in fact, at its most popular in the mid-80s. The fact that his show did so well without ever making any substantial changes makes his achievement doubly amazing. By all accounts, Fred Rogers was the proverbial "good man." His family loved him. Kids truly loved him. People caught in the grips of grindingly bad acid trips loved him for the Valium-like effect he had on the state of their souls. But hey... he hadda kick the bucket some time! Am I right, people?!
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: ME STATE, YOU STATE, RED STATE, BLUE STATE
care of: A.C.D.
Let's see what shall happen when the South Dakota abortion ban goes to the Supremes. Perhaps Alito and Roberts will join the Ayatollah corner and overturn Roe v. Wade. Then it becomes a state-by-state issue. The Red States will stampede like fans at a Who concert to draft their own bans. The Blue States will permit abortion. Then what will happen?
Well, first off, a few million daddies will find out their darling girls are sucking and fucking like darling girls do nowadays. Because little Britney and Tiffany won't be able to get their D&Cs performed at the state capital a few weekends after missing their period. So, what to do? Pull the girl out of college and send her to a nunnery? Make her marry the two-bit punk, if and only if he's willing? Give her gentle care and guidance and then raise the child as a grandparent? Make her give it up for adoption? Or send her off to a Blue State for an, emmmm, procedure? Those are about the only choices.
So, what then will happen? How will any Red State or the country as a whole deal with two or three million more kids up for adoption per year? Will members of the right-to-life movement rush in as adoptive parents? None have ever offered to so far, hypocrites. Nor has there been a rush on vasectomies among the foetus champions. Funny.
Will Congress pass special funding for all these orphans? No Child Left Behind, Part II? It would have a moral obligation to do so, which of course means that it won't.
And the Red State imams will soon become incensed if tens of thousands of parents ship their girls to Boston or Minneapolis or Los Angeles for abortions. They will need to pass laws that equate such trips with the White Slave Trade, and make it illegal to transport a minor across state lines for immoral purposes. It will also drive Ohio crazy if Illinois or Michigan set up a few dozen clinics right by Exit 1 on the interstate. The Red States will have to lobby for a federal ban.
That will then force politicians to walk the walk. For a quarter century, blustery buffoons in Congress have railed against abortion, but they have never made a concerted effort to do much to stop it. Because they know that it would be an economic and social disaster of historic proportions. But now, if presented with the opportunity to pass a federal ban, knowing the Supremes would let it pass, would they in fact do so? An interesting question.
And if they do, what happens next? Clearly there will be a media feeding frenzy as Barbara and Jenna and half the co-ed daughters of politicians and celebrities get big fat bellies and give birth to bastards on live TV. The rich will send their daughters in droves to Toronto. Ireland passed that ridiculous law trying to stop girls from going to London, but we'd have to install ultrasound machines at every single Canadian border crossing in order to stem the flow. Watch for a flotilla of ship-based hospitals 12 miles off Provincetown. Come to think of it, Massachusetts and California and Hawaii would wink at illegal but medically competent abortion providers, and force either federal marshals to enter the states or else operate beyond the law in perpetuity.
And the drain on AFDC, Medicaid, and related poverty programs for children would snowball until it crippled the federal budget. Think of it -- as many as three million more babies per year, born to unemployed girls with no husbands. There are fewer than a million people on welfare right now. There'd be seven million after year one of an effective ban (the mother AND her child, remember -- both will go on the dole). Thirteen million after year two. Twenty million after year three. Of course these numbers are exaggerated, but you see the point -- as a nation, we could not remotely afford to have every pregnancy result in a child.
And, if birth control is to remain legal (or not -- which would be the next stage of the assault on sex, of course), people would still have sex. So there'd be no cultural retreat to the mores of the 1930s. My mother was, in all likelihood, a virgin when she married, as were most women of her generation. My eldest sisters may well have been -- or, at the very least, they probably married the men who deflowered them. But since 1967 or so, the genie has left the bottle. Pre-marital sex is the cultural norm across the industrialized world.
The only way to stop American girls from having sex would be to outlaw all birth control. Then we'd have an Internet bonanza on imported "diet pills".
And the two-tier structure of American healthcare will become even more sharply defined. The rich will find their way to birth control and abortions, as sure as night will fall. Eventually, senators and congressmen and judges and preachers will be exposed for having sent their daughters to Vancouver or Montreal. The hypocrisies will pile up to a breaking point. If the federal ban mirrors South Dakota's and provides no exception for rape, incest, or the life of the mother (!!!), then there will be a few hundred heartwrenching front page stories per year of women victimized by those cruelties. As families perceive that the government will not be helping them feed and clothe Britney's and Tiffany's little brats, there will be a widening gulf between impoverished families of girls who couldn't get abortions, versus those who could. Education will similarly devolve into an even more unequal structure, where public schools will be unable to support the huge new class sizes, and religious schools will be swamped with the Calcutta of their own making.
And since the Right has always been exceedingly phallocentric, there may also be a rebellion against the byzantine new system of child support that will perforce arise. Add three million angry white men per year to the list, along with their bastards and their garnisheed Wal-Mart pay stubs.
Eventually, Diebold notwithstanding, there'll be a Democrat-controlled Congress again, who'll repeal the federal ban. Then the Red States will have to figure out what to do with all their little bastards, while the Blue States prosper economically and educationally. It's an instance where Mencken's sentiment is well applied -- these people deserve to get what they're asking for, good and hard.
From my way of thinking, a repeal of Roe v. Wade is just what this country needs to kickstart it back to common sense and rescue it from the ayatollahs. Like an alcoholic or drug addict, hitting bottom might be just the anodyne.
- A.C.D.
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FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY!
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Hey Jerky, Can you tell me how this works? Your government does nothing to stop the destruction of New Orleans before, during, and after Katrina and throws people out into the streets and all the rest of the bad news. However, the people can still have the annual Mardi Gras party. All the while more and more information is coming out over the net about how your government is destroying the United States from within and talked about 'delaying' the elections, selling out the country to China and Japan, and saber rattling about attacking Iran. Does this mean, am I to understand, that there will be no elections in 2008 and you will all live under a semi martial law? What is happening in America sounds, looks, and seems to me that uncle Joe Stalin and his form of paranoid socialistic government is resurrecting itself in America, all you need now is the KGV (in English KGB). Or maybe you already have them in one form or another. YOPMike from Ufa, Russia
[You would be better equipped to answer that question than I. - Jerky]
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Jerky Loved the bios of the preznits. But Dumb-ya isn't the first unelected preznit - Ford was. Back in '72 when Nixon was reelected, Agnew was his veep. Agnew was hounded from office (hurrah!) and Gerry Ford was APPOINTED to take his place. Then when Tricky Dick slithered out of town, Ford became preznit without ever having been elected to hold the office of prez or veep. Of course, Dumb-ya still qualifies as our first mentally retarded preznit. - Fritz
[You're right. - Jerky]
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Mr LeBoeuf, For years and years I had a medical problem called "itchy ass". I did everything I could think of to make the itching go away. I didn't think I had hemorrhoids, because I thought they would be external, and I could feel them. There was nothing to feel, so I dismissed hemorrhoids. Eventually, I found out that hemorrhoids could also be internal. After that time I use a tiny blob of Preparation H every day. Problem solved for maybe 4$ a year. In my medicine cabinet is also a tube of tooth-paste about the same size as the Preparation H. Do I have to finish this story? Aram
[Nah. I've heard it a dozen times already. - Jerky]
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Hey Jerky brother, Regarding "there are 1,000 of people get shot every year hunting but they aren't told to the news", maybe Wayne is correct. Judging by his vocabulary, sentence structure and hunting experiences, perhaps 1,000 of people like Wayne are shot every year, but the accident is not reported. Hell an shit man, ifn I shots of one of my kinfolk, you shure have not ever will be seeing that reported to the athorities!! If we been reported all these accidents we having been occurred by accidental accidents, for shure the athorities will be takin our sawdoffs, an that shit aint gonna happen again like it did occur before the first time we reported !!! Although you may be corrected with the statiscal informations, that informations is correct only for the reported accidents, and you know how close Cheney came to not reporting his accident!! sinisterly,
Bill
[Heheh... - Jerky]
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Well MOP; Filipino President Arroyo has declared a state of emergency. That enables her to take over the media, arrest people without warrants and lock them up without charges. W.T.F.? Is she a Bush?! YOP RASTY!!!
[No, she's an Arroyo! - Jerky]
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Mr LeBoeuf, I predicted, a while back, that there's a good chance that Saddam will return to power in Iraq. I'm beginning to hear of such an alternative on the News. Remember, you heard it here first. Aram
[Hey! Only one comment per issue, you! - Jerky]
*** **** ***
Dear Old Pal Jerky: It's with mixed emotions when I espy a double-issue listed in your letter to this subscriber. The joy is from knowing that Inspiration has moved you off your incredulously fat ass enough to generate yet another of your biting, incisive blasts at the PTB. The sorrow is from knowing that -- if, indeed, there were actually TWO sets of free porn pics -- one of the sets will overwrite the other, and I will be denied the pleasure of viewing all the pleasantly undraped, pulchritudinous pussy with which you decorate your otherwise brutally stark and bitter pages. I wish there was a way to fix this, but I guess there is not. Such is life. YOP, StormRider, Cincinnati
[The pictures suck, anyway. And I know you've been reading for years, so you've seen'em all already. - Jerky]
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max comment length 512 characters
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no urls, html, or profanity accepted
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From Anonymous : Now, Im totally, seriously here. If the average american decides that the news that Bush WAS WARNED INDEED before Katrina are not something to be really so concerned about... then Ive lost all hope in reaching my 50th birthday, alive. And Im only 31. And I am now wondering whether Im being really, really optimistic. On the bright side... MORE SHIAT KEEPS HITTING THE FAN!
Now... Jerky, how come you can get away with saying f@ck and juicy things like that and we posters can't? Not fair! I wanna swear
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