Conflict at Home

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There Are Still Two Sides to Every Story

Susie and John are married with two young children. Invariably, a fight will develop from a conversation about something as simple as dishes. Susie is experiencing difficulty adjusting to her new job working outside of the home. She feels that John does not complete his share of household duties. She suspects John is doing this out of spite. He never did seem too enthusiastic about her choice to return to work. In actuality, John does not pay attention to such details as dishes and turns a deaf ear to Susie’s constant complaining.

Both Susie and John, when in the heat of conflict, neglect to take notice of the effect on their relationship. Early in the marriage, the couple agreed that Susie would be a full-time, at home mom. They were vigilant in setting up this lifestyle to fully serve the needs of the family. With all good intentions, Susie and John could not have known what the future held with regard to Susie’s change of heart. With a coach in their lives, this couple could be equipped with tools and skills to weather the emotional storms that come with change. The focus is on the impact to the family as a whole and not on either party as individuals.

By nature, conflict happens in relationships and it is typically caused by: unmatched expectations, making assumptions, competing interests and/or differing perspectives. We all know the saying, “There are two sides to every story.” Sometimes there are even more sides, depending on the number of people involved. Each person has their own experience of an event … their own perspective. The good news is that we have the opportunity to shift that perspective to create an entirely new experience.

More About Tools & Skills

In communication, our most commonly used skill, we sometimes take for granted that the words we use have clearly painted, for the other person, the picture that is in our minds. When the recipient conjures up a different image, misunderstandings often result that then lead to frustration. This is the perfect recipe for conflict. The goal is not to eliminate conflict, but to learn how the effectively manage it for a positive outcome.

Too often, conflict arises from perpetual issues. These cannot be alleviated, however can be managed through dialogue. Your Conflict Coach will introduce you to dialoguing tools like soft start-ups and repair bids. A useful skill is to identify, in yourself, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Do you know when you are in a space of blame, defensiveness, contempt or stonewalling? Recognizing your own behaviors is the first crucial step in cleaning up a toxic relationship.

Being triggered by certain people and events is another common source for conflict. The brain is designed to remember frightening or dangerous events so they can be avoided in the future. When there is an occurrence that resembles that initial difficulty, you are taken back to that moment in time and the unintentional reaction is the same as before. Rationalization and usual coping skills tend to be abandoned when triggering happens. With guidance from your Conflict Coach, you will be able to identify the signs and learn the skills for de-triggering, all of which is useful for maintaining balanced and productive relationships.

Change Your Story. Change Your Life.

Excerpts in this writing references work done by Dr. John Gottman, the nation’s foremost researcher in marriage and parenting and co-founder of The Gottman Relationship Institute. For more information, visit: www.gottman.com
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