Best of…

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on toys and fancy stuff

Whenever Stripper Barbie’s skirt twirls, I’m reminded of Linda Blair’s famous head spin in The Exorcist.

(International Women’s Day, Movies, and Barbie Dolls)

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Vivian decapitated her Ken doll. Our landing looked like a crime scene. My husband thinks Ken bears an uncanny resemblance to Stephen Harper. I’m not sure if that comment is because he’s lost his head or not.

(Ode To Turning 6)

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How did this excess happen? Likely with the same philosophy that gave my kids twenty pairs of pants each, 5,000 pieces of Lego and a zoo-sized menagerie of stuffed animals.

(How Many Shoes Does a Child Possibly Need?)


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on entertaining children

When I accepted the job of mother, I didn’t read Event Planner in the job description.

(Why I Despise Kids’ Birthday Parties)

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Glitter was clearly invented by a child-free man or by a woman with a cleaning lady.

(5 Reasons I Hate Crafts)

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Making a gingerbread house seemed like a good idea at the time. You know, in that same category as opening another bottle of wine or giving your phone number to the guy who’d later become your husband.

(Gingerbread Dysfunciton)

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I am neither willing nor able to build a replica of the Taj Mahal out of items from the recycling box.

(Activities for Children of Lousy Parents)

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We begin Operation Distraction by playing Eye Spy…not exactly the Harvard version.”

(Twin Adventures in H1N1 Land)

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A dirty minivan is a canvas for budding artists. With their pudgy index fingers, kids can draw hieroglyphics on the side of the vehicle, marking their territory like a dog.

(Earth Day Tips for Lazy Parents)

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I gave in and hosted [their birthday party] at a karate centre that is as close to our house as Russia is to Sarah Palin.

(Tigger and Eeyore: My House of Pooh)

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Bowling seemed like a good idea at the time… We donned shoes broken in by the Society of People with Foot Ailments, and then started.

(Bowling with Children)

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The decorating style of William and Vivian’s room is global simplicity. That’s a euphemism for a few pieces of cheap art we picked up overseas, got framed, and hung on their beige walls.

(Decorating Kids’ Rooms: Why Bother?)

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The contest was legendary in its mythology, at least in the eyes of five-year-olds. They swarmed the soccer ball, following it like it was the Holy Grail.

(Soccer, Scoring, and Snacks)

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on tv

Even though my son can’t remember to wipe his own butt, he can remember every line from commercials. His favourite is the Slap Chop Man.

(TV or Not TV)

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If I hear “dual vanities” or “open floor plan” one more time, I’m going postal with HGTV.

(5 Reasons I Hate Having Pneumonia)

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My son saunters down the hallway toward the television. He needs the violence from Bugs Bunny to wake himself up fully.

(20 Minutes with 5-year-old Twins)

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But [on Toddlers and Tiaras] there’s something seriously wrong with making three-year-olds look like Lady Gaga, however cool she may be.

(What Reality Shows Can Teach You About Parenting, Part 2)

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What other station [besides Teletoon Retro] gives you Barbie ads followed by commercials for First Response Early Pregnancy Tests?

(TV or Not TV)

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on pets

I still remember house-training my twins; I can’t cope with one more mammal who can’t use a toilet or cook.

(To Buy a Pet or Not To Buy a Pet)

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I don’t want a dog because I don’t want more work. I’ve already taught two kids not to pee on the floor: been there, done that. I’m still working on the don’t-lick-your-plate thing.

(When Your Kids Want a Pet, Lie To Them)

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on cleanliness and being cheap

Our van is laden with enough crumbs to batter an entire school of mercury-filled fish.

(Guilt, Friends, and a Dirty Minivan)

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Usually, “when I was your age” serves as a cop-out for my cheapness. I say things like, “When I was your age, I only had two shoes” (commonly known as one pair).

(5 Toys from the 1970s I’m Nostalgic About)

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I despise spending $3.95 on [a birthday card] that’ll be history in two weeks – though that doesn’t deter me from purchasing other items that render themselves useless in even less time, like lattes, gasoline, bridal wear.

(Birthday Cards: An Apology Disguised As a Rant)

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on being married

Today is our wedding anniversary. Our tenth. Apparently the traditional gift is aluminum/tin. So perhaps my husband and I will buy each other a can of Coke.

(Memories of My Wedding Day)

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My husband’s birthday was yesterday. In honour of him turning 47, I invited my mom to visit.

(5 Blog Topics My Husband Wanted To Write)

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My husband collects cheap things. I’m not sure if I should include myself in this categorization. 

(Happy Herding Cats Day)

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Date nights became like our disposable income: extinct.

(5 Signs It’s Time To Go on a Date)

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on grooming

When I managed to [shower with newborns in the house], it often involved two babies strapped into car seats on the bathroom floor. Shampoo, condition, soap, shave: in under two minutes. It puts the mental back in environmental.

(5 Parenting Skills That Should Be Olympic Events)

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I approach [brushing my kids’ teeth] like I approach vacuuming: do it quickly, forget the corners, and put it away as fast as you can.

(Is It Possible To Outsource Brushing Your Kids’ Teeth?)

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If styling my own hair is an event, then combing my daughter’s hair is operatic in its emotional intensity.

(Hair, Children, and the Homeless Look)

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In six months, I’ll be 40. I wish I could say I’ve never felt better. But my memory’s not that sharp anymore.

(Midlife and Makeup)

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on eating

I once read that the purpose of parenting is to train one’s spawn to have slightly better manners than a dog. I think I’m failing.

(Kids, Chewing, and Dogs)

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We were trying to survive dinner, hoping that our kids would ingest more food than they’d throw on the floor.

(5 Ways My Son Resembles Oedipus)

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With the pantry looking as bare as my kids’ lunch bags, I opt for Pea-Butter, the stuff that looks like peanut butter but tastes like wallpaper paste mixed with a can of mushy peas.

(The Mom Gene of Being Able To Find Things)

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They found my secret stash of 100-calorie chocolate bars. You know, the ones you can eat four of because they’re low-cal?

(5 Resolutions Made by a 5-Year-Old)


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on injuries

I think a great gift for new parents would be stock options in Band-Aid.

(Band-Aids and Bad Parenting)

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When my twins learned to walk, we still lived in Thailand. The flooring of our apartment was concrete covered by parquet. The number of bruises on my kids’ heads made them look like they’d stepped out of a UFC ring.

(National That Sucks Day)

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on sleeping

“Sleep like babies” has to be ranked highly on the list of World’s Stupidest Similes…When an adult sleeps like a baby, it means she’s got the flu or she’s drunk: Like a baby she aspirates, flails, and wakes up the entire household.

(5 Funny Quotations on Parenting)

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On more than one night [of co-sleeping with a sick kid], I awoke mid-sleep-cycle, gripping the edge of bed like it was the final handhold above an Everest crevice.

(5 Great and Not-So-Great Vacation Memories)

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on discipline

It’s a miracle if we all make it into the minivan without me threatening to sell the children.

(Math, 100 Days, and the Drive to School)

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It’s not often my five-year-old twins end up in fisticuffs. For this I am thankful. It’s not that my refereeing abilities suck; it’s that if fighting were commonplace I’d have to actively parent.

(Kindergarten, Planets, and Fist Fights)

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My 5-year-old says my talent’s sitting…I’ve voted him off the island.

(Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day)

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It’s bad when you start to annoy yourself. And likely your neighbours. And definitely your kids.

(The Challenges of Teaching Twins to Ride Bikes)

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I believe that my children will continue to embarrass me by misbehaving in public. I believe that I will return the favour when they’re teenagers.

(I Believe: A Parenting Manifesto)

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on parenting

I’m not a certified psychologist, but I know enough about human (mis)behaviour to know that [saying “Mommy’s serious”] is the final statement of those with the authority of a gnat.

(Getting Kids To Fall Asleep)

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Before I had kids, I was an expert on motherhood.

(Living Hypothetically)

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I’m the antithesis of an expert on anything. In fact, my blog is likely a how-not-to-parent treatise.

(My Own State of Parenting Address)

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My motto for parenting has come from Survivor: Outwit, Outlast, Outplay. Isn’t that the maxim for parents the world over – to make it past your child’s bedtime while maintaining a shred of sanity?

(What Reality Shows Can Teach You About Parenting, Part 1)

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My short and long term memories seem to have gone the way of the placentas.

(5 Funny Memories from the First Six Months)

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Theory Three as to why our kids love babysitters is we’re lousy parents. We don’t read parenting books bettering ourselves, or write and perform family plays. We’re just kind of there.

(Why Our Kids Love Having Babysitters)

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So here it is, my one piece of advice for every adult who will ever come in contact with a preschooler: make sure you have a favourite colour.

(The Importance of Having a Favourite Colour)

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Maybe [next month] I’ll do a better job parenting. Then again, maybe not.

(5 Reasons I’m Not Nominated for Parent-of-the-Year)

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on raising twins

Once we got the 2-for-1 deal on our babies, however, our tolerance for external noise increased. We had our own indoor cacophony.

(The Vegetable Truck: Lying to Your Children)

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Take it from someone who took her twins on two round-trip, trans-Pacific flights before they were thirteen months old: don’t travel.

(5 Tips for Traveling with Children)

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The best answer I’ve heard to the question [Are Your Twins Natural?] is, “Well, they breathe air and have opposable thumbs, so I guess that makes them natural.”

(5 Stupid Comments Made To Parents of Twins)

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My twins have a Bachelors of Loving Things To Death and a Masters in Destroying Anything Else

(Bizarre Baby Names)

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William gently stroked my hair. An hour prior to this he bit his sister. Either he’s a captive monkey or he’s five.

(Fair Is Fair: Funny Moments with William)

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Thing One told his sister, “I’m not inviting you to my birthday party.” Thing Two immediately realized the implication of this and burst into sobs.

(Sibling Rivalry, Friendship, and Twins)

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Now that my twins are nearly 6, it’s rare that I lose one.

(5 Great Memories of Mother’s Day Tea)

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on the olympics


The Olympics are over. For me, this means I have to go back to parenting.

(Gender and the Olympic Games)

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If you don’t know the kids’ show 4 Square, cross overly enthusiastic adults with the Teletubbies and put them in luge outfits.

(5 Reasons Parents Need to Watch The Olympics)

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If there were a Darwin Award for a Winter Olympic sport, it would go to skeleton.

(Why Winter Olympic Sports Are Psychotic)

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on and on (i.e. rants)

I’d like to start a movement to ban cutesy fonts

(Those Annoying Christmas Letters)

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An exercise bike for kids is clearly a sign of the apocalypse. What next, the mini-Martini mixer?

(5 Best-Toys-of-2009 That Suck)

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There’s a reason why Elmo wasn’t on the original Sesame Street. He’s annoying, as androgynous-squealing-fur-balls tend to be.

(5 Best-Toys-of-2009 That Suck)

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I’m pretty sure loot bags resulted from the machinations of some overly zealous marketing team at a dollar store. My kids don’t need any more cheap plastic crap that’s been assembled by some exploited worker in the developing world.

(Why I Despise Kids’ Birthday Parties)

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A big bank account doesn’t make good kids. If it did, we’d be screwed.

(5 Parenting Tips I Learned from the World Cup)

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2 Responses to Best of…

  1. spacer Paige Morgan | September 8, 2010 at 2:50 pm | Reply

    I have a read a few of your posts in the past, but had a chance to read more today! You’re amazing! I love this “best of” page, very clever! I have added you to my Blog Roll and emailed several of my friends who aren’t bloggers your link. Your wit is right up our alley!

    -Paige

  2. spacer Jeff Beaudin | October 5, 2010 at 5:26 pm | Reply

    Hi Leanne aka “Steamroller”,

    I just stumbled on to your Website. Very clever! Your written commentaries are very cool! Kept me laughing!

    Keep up the great writing! You must have had decent English teachers in school.

    Beaudy

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