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How to be the Teacher’s Pet

February 11, 2012 in school with 1 Comment

Here’s a little diddy I wrote for IronicMom.com, cause she’s fly like a zipper. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. No you shutup.

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Now, means right now, which is when you’re going to nonverbally hear the most important thing you’ll read while you’re reading this. Confused? Go drink some milk and run a mile, cause this is Happening like a M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Shirtliffe and I are both teachers, and while we both probably act like we’re super fair and cool with all students, we honestly have favorites. It’s true, we like some of your kids, and some of them get on our freaking nerves like a spinal tap.

Here are some quick ways to get to the top of our during-class delivery trips and here’s a few points to bump up your grade lists.

Give us Apples: This old teacher action is not only true, but it’s not false. We’ll accept all kinds of apples. iPads, iPods, iMacs, iAnything…we’ll take it like a nice pen the waiter gives us to sign our receipt. Haha Using nice pens…that’s why you’re getting me more ranch and not a doctor.

Don’t Correct Us: We became teachers because we like being smarter than everyone else in the room. If we wanted to feel stupid we’d get a barb-wire tattoo and watch reality Tv. When we say we’ll resume something on Monday, but we’re off on Monday, you know what we mean. Don’t make me call your parents and tell them you’re the kid who farts in class.

Be Funny: It’s just math, I don’t need you going all Stone Cold Steven Seagal-face on me about some stupid equation. Be chill like an 1983’s movie with Jeff Goldblum. Seriously, be not serious.

Participate: If we wanted everything we said to be rhetorical, we’d be principals.

Ultimate Teacher’s Pet: Be a cat or dog that we own.

In the comments, what caused the fall of the Roman Empire who was your favorite teacher and why?

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Pictures of Win: Part 38

February 10, 2012 in pictures of win with 5 Comments

Hello Your Eyes, I have some presents for you.

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What’s that smell?

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Getting to Know Your Face

February 9, 2012 in conversation with 18 Comments

I was going to do a 13 Thoughts post today, but then I was thinking “Francis [what I call myself], I think people have heard enough about you. Also, your fly is unzipped.”

After XYZPDQ, I figured I’d just ask a couple questions for you handsome ladies and pretty gentlemen that didn’t involve something involving something.

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1. What’s your favorite pick-up line?

2. What TV show do you look forward to the most these days?

I’ll go first, or third, but never second. 

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Dating Videos

February 8, 2012 in relationships, video with 12 Comments

Here’s a Dating Video for your Viewing Pleasure. Why did I capitalize a lot of words in that sentence? I honestly have no idea.

If you want to see just my Video in full, check it out on the Facebook Page.

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We already know Sharideth’s, so what was your worst date ever?

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Important Questions for Attractive People

February 7, 2012 in letters with 34 Comments

I’m almost finished writing a new book.

It’s a book comprised of letters to famous people.

I’ve titled it: “Letters to Famous People”

Abstract, I know.

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I’m taking last minute requests on the last few people/things/places/whatevers I should write to.

1. Who should I write a letter to in my book?

and/or

2. Would you be willing to promote it on your website if I gave you a free copy?

and/or

3. How hot are you today in terms of sports teams?

Ps The title of this post is about you, because you’re attractive and these questions are for you.

Ps I love you

The Movie.

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To-Do List

February 6, 2012 in to do list with 2 Comments

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Dear Mark Wahlberg or Matt Damon

February 4, 2012 in letters with 9 Comments

Here’s a letter I wrote for the handsome/dangerous Scott Moore of the Scott Moore Body. Check him out and read this letter like the alphabet.

Dear Matt Damon or Mark Wahlberg,

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Hey you two! Or you one. I don’t know honestly, I can’t tell you apart. I guess it’s like

they say, all rich white guys who look the same look alike.

Are you really best friends with Ben Affleck? Does he ever get jealous that you’re in

every movie and he isn’t? The Town was really good though.

I live in a town.

When Andy Samberg did that SNL skit where he was you talking to animals, I

laughed. Not like HAHA, more more like hehe. It was still an lol. That’s gr8. H8trs.

I think teenagers are stupider now than when I was one.

I’m a math teacher. You remember that time you did that really hard math problem

at Harvard and then dated a hot chick and met Robin Williams with a beard? Yeah, it

was neat.

Once when I was in 8th grade I was on my Uncle Joe’s AOL instant messenger

account and I started talking to a chick and I said I was in Harverd. That’s not how

you spell it. We don’t talk much anymore.

Did it hurt when you kept punching yourself in Fear? You know that was Reese

Witherspoon, you probably could’ve just started talking really country instead.

I’m from the South. Not that I’m really short, but I talk with an accent. It’s German.

Did you ever notice that every state in the South points to the state to the left as

more country than them? It’s true, my internet friend Scott said so. I’m in the far left

one called The Arkansas so we just point back at Mississippi cause they’re stupider.

Are you guys like Clark Kent and Superman?

I bet it was hard being in The Departed. You should’ve gotten paid double. Does Jack

Nicholson smell like an old house? I bet he does.

Can I be a part of your entourage? I’m really good with the screaming. If someone

pulls a gun on y’all, I’ll scream so good you’ll think I was Jennifer Love Hewitt from

the 90’s when she didn’t suck like an old school mail chute in a business building.

Which one are you?

Love,

Tyler

Ps What does money look like?

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Pictures of Win: Part 37

February 3, 2012 in pictures of win with 6 Comments

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Wait for it….

Who is your favorite superhero besides President Obama?

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