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Good Guy Greg

#firstworldproblems

I spend more time looking for the right porn video then I actually spend fapping.

Calories are so cheap and plentiful where I live, that I have to waste energy by burning them off in the gym.

Even after 11 years, every time I say, "its hot in here." someone still suggests I take all my clothes off.

My health is so impeccable, I have to fake my sick days.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so now I'm alone with my wife and two children.

I can't text while laying on my side because my phone automatically rotates

My garbage disposal eats better than 98% of the world.

I lost my phone, It's on silent.

I couldn't get close enough to the correct spelling of a word for spell check to recognize it

My Car is too old to have an input for my IPod, but too new for a tape adapter.

I don't get MLK Jr. Day off

None of my ex-girlfriends have gotten fat yet.

My new neighbors are a hot lesbian couple but my walls aren't thin enough

I occasionally need to take off my slippers because my feet overheat in their soft fur lining.

I ran out of bar soap and had to use my wife's body wash but didn't read the label and now I'm in the office unable to identify what type of fruit I smell like.

I can't close my wallet with all of my money in it

It takes more time to make a PB&J sandwich than it does to eat one.

Some guy was using the middle urinal.

A piece of popcorn is stuck at the back of my throat and no amount of tongue probing will make it move.

Despite multiple attempts, the shit stain on my toilet bowl isn't coming off by pissing on it.

One earphone just died.

I don't make $57,000 a day and I still pay 15% in taxes

The seat next to me on the airplane is empty, but I'm in first class and the arm rests don't go up.

I had to press "2" to continue in English.

I made eye contact with another guy whilst eating a banana.

I won Superbowl tickets so now I'm going to miss the commercials.

My boyfriend lasts too long in bed.

The soda machine wont accept 20 dollar bills

My life's been way better since I deleted Facebook but now I can't rub it in everyone's face

T-Rex trying things

Fuck Stairs

Girls these days

Forever Alone …

Futurama Fry on internet comments …

When using your friend’s shower

Skills

Philosoraptor on leading brands

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