Attack on Marriage
Jan 16
Posted by ellenduguid in Attack on marriage, Marriage, Right Relationships | No Comments
Why is it so important for secular and homosexual lobbies to destroy traditional marriage?
When they enjoy all of the privileges formally accorded to marriage, why do they want to redefine marriage: they want to remove any express mention of marriage as being between a man and a woman, but allow the definition to be so loose as to remove any mention of it requiring the consenting parties to be of opposite gender.
But this opens the possibility for two further steps of destruction:
First, since there is no requirement for marriage to be between a man and a woman (ie one of each), then it would not only allow two men or two women to be “married”, but it could lead to include any number of men/women to “marry”; worse still hitherto banned relationships (eg a person could marry his horse!) would be encompassed.
The second step is that “marriage under God” (and therefore affirmed by church as God’s holy people) would inevitably be challenged as “not being in accordance with law”. There is the first glimmer of this is in the Coalition Government pressing for church buildings to be allowed for civil partnerships ceremonies.
We are obliged to the author of the following quote, which we have found on website, james-a-watkins.hubpages.com.
This adequately encompasses our feelings and fears.
“TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE
Is traditional marriage unfair to all of these other groups who want to dismantle it? A group of social liberal activists ran a full-page statement in the New York Times in 2006 titled “Beyond Gay Marriage.” Part of that statement said this: “Marriage is not the only worthy form of family or relationship, and it should not be legally and economically privileged above all others. While we honor those for whom marriage is the most meaningful personal–for some, also a deeply spiritual–choice, we believe that many other kinds of kinship relationships, households, and families must also be accorded recognition.” The stated goal of these prominent gay activists is no longer merely the freedom to live their lives as they want. Rather, it is to force you, your family, and the state to recognize and respect their myriad choices. The result of meeting these demands will be a culture, a legal system, and a government that considers a monogamous, exclusive, permanent sexual relationship of child-bearing and child-rearing nothing more than one among many lifestyle choices. It leaves the claim that marriage is normative for the flourishing of spouses, children, and society–not to mention any attempt to enshrine in law this unique human good–would be considered bigotry. In other words, marriage as a social institution would be destroyed. “
Post Feminist?
Nov 30
Posted by ellenduguid in Feminist, Post Feminist | 4 Comments
What is a “Post Feminist”? She most likely thinks of herself as a ”New Woman”. She seems to be 20 – 40-ish, professional, aspiring to high ambition outside the home. These are women who have grown up in a different gender-culture from women of previous generations. They want to be fully in charge of their lives in every aspect. There appears to be no desire in them to settle into a permanent relationship with the opposite sex. Theirs is the right to make their own decisions. They are not the product of earlier feminism but are post-feminist. They have bought into the new individualism and competitiveness that prevails in today’s secular society.
What did God mean when He made woman?
How does He see them?
How does God view “new woman”?
How does “new woman” view herself?
How does Godly man see woman?
How does secular man see woman
How does man relate to “new woman”?
Our perspective is a Godly one. He ordained man to need woman, and woman to need man in a permanent relationship. Neither is complete without the other.
Modern society seems to encourage woman to believe she doesn’t need man and man appears to have reduced his need for her to sexual satisfaction. It would appear to us from what we have observed, all that “new woman” has done has made it easier than ever for men to see them as sex objects, and consequently they do! (See our Blog re “Only go out for sex”). Why is it that women in the workplace insist on being on a par with men, but won’t accept the consequences? Over and over we see cases in the media of a woman expecting preferential treatment “because I’m a woman”. She’ll dress or behave provocatively but run to the courts when he responds to the signals she is sending out. (See our blog Chivalry and Modesty).
The old design has not changed, and as always, it appears that it is the woman who pays the price for this new attitude. They still can get pregnant, man can still walk away.
Look at what we said in our book “Where are all the Men?
Is this new outlook working? Women: tell me what you think!
Ellen
Tags: Chivalry and Modesty, Objectifying, Post feminist, relationships
Forgiveness
Nov 15
Posted by ellenduguid in Forgiveness | 10 Comments
Forgiveness is nowhere more important than in marriage. Here are a few thoughts:
Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts of the spiritual life. It does not mean justifying or condoning harmful actions. It is a process, therefore it can go through many stages in dealing with the hurt when deeply wounded by one’s spouse. It cannot be forced or artificial. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily have to be verbalised to the person, because what is needed to heal the hurt is between you and God.
It mustn’t be confused with reconciliation, since this can only occur when the spouse recognises what has been done and has made amends. It is usually a break in trust between the marriage partners. In the event one needs to ask God, what can I do to protect myself from similar hurt in the future?
A problem for men is fear of abandonment; a problem for men is fear of failure. We have explored this in our book.
Lack of forgiveness blocks God’s blessings and grace. Reconciliation can only occur when your spouse acknowledges what has been done. We must always remember that Jesus took all this up on His cross. So we take the hurt and look for the grace to forgive. This act is mostly for our own benefit so we might be freed from the burden of unforgiveness.
On a lighter note, lack of forgiving is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die!
Tags: relationships
If there was a political party…
Oct 31
Posted by ellenduguid in Marriage, Right Relationships | 8 Comments
“If there was a political party that abolished sex, I’d vote for it”
How many of you women out there would agree with that statement? Even if you just know it in your heart but are nervous to express it through fear of rejection by the man in your life – or by all men in general?
Do you believe that women feel differently to men about sex? Does the man in your life realise this? Or does he expect you to evince the same desire as he?
It is generally true for a man that a continual high dose of testosterone keeps his interest in intercourse, and his quest to find it, on the boil. That’s why, when it comes to it, he’s always ready. On the other hand a woman doesn’t have such high levels of testosterone but the female hormone oestrogen. This doesn’t “drive” her towards the sex act to the same extent. In fact what it drives her to is love.
Why don’t women tell the truth when it comes to discussing sex with men? They always revert to pretending they are as “up for it” to the same degree and frequency as men, when the reality is far from it. One woman shared with us that she “drops into bed, exhausted, at the end of the day, then out comes the hand…” But that’s only the beginning of the problem…!
The very words used to describe sex make this clear: the woman “gives” herself to the man and he “takes”. She is submitting to him – after all, he is the initiator (is supposed to be) while she is a responder. Deep within her psyche, whether she is consciously aware of it or not, is a drive to please. So she is therefore vulnerable in this whole exchange between the sexes. It is this fact that men prey on – they manipulate it for their satisfaction, and in this quest to please, she fails to speak her truth for fear of rejection or abandonment. But he hasn’t understood where she is emotionally, or physically. He needs to be sensitive to these needs rather than only intent on satisfying his craving for orgasm, in the mistaken belief that this is all she needs as well. It would appear in certain cases that he doesn’t approach her as a person, but as a sex object (see our post “Objectifying”). Man cannot be the verdict on woman.
Men want sex: women want love.
But how many women get their “want” acknowledged let alone satisfied?
We feel there is a conspiracy of silence about this topic. It would appear that women are reluctant to be open and honest on this very sensitive issue, and can consequently suffer enormous amounts of emotional distress.
What do you think? Should women be more honest and admit to their needs? Or is it right in this day and age to remain silent, lie back and “think of England”?
Or have a headache?
Tags: relationships, sex
God and Sex
Oct 31
Posted by ellenduguid in Marriage, Right Relationships | 1 Comment
We recently read in the Catholic Herald (published in the UK), Fr Ron Rolhieser’s syndicated column entitled “God and Sex” which seems to extol the virtues of a new book by Rob Bell. Bell is founder of Mars Hill Bible Church, Michigan. He has recently resigned from his position as pastor with that church.
For a full understanding of the contents of this book and Fr Ron’s responses you will need to visit Fr Ron’s website, (www.ronrolheiser.com), but here is a brief summary of what was said:
In Bell’s view “Sex inside its proper containers, unconditional commitment, respect, love, is designed to counter the brokenness of our lives and the fragmentation of the world”. Fr Ron’s view is that “Sex outside of its proper containers… isn’t bringing more joy into our lives but is leaving us more fragmented and lonely”.
But neither commentator mentions that in God’s view sex is solely to be experienced within a marriage between one man and one woman in a lifelong commitment made before God. In His view any other sexual encounter is either fornication or adultery, both of which are anathema to Him, and roundly condemned throughout scripture.
We have felt led to send the following reply to Fr Ron.
Let us first say that we have not read Rob Bell’s book, so we cannot comment on that author’s writing, but we are replying to the inferences in Fr Ronald’s column drawn from the quotes that he includes. A glaring example of our concern about Bell’s understanding, as it would appear from the article, is that he neglects to include marriage in his “containers of unconditional commitment, respect, love”. Surely, as a Christian writer this should be his priority in writing about sexual encounters?
Bell writes: “Our world thinks it understands sex. It doesn’t”. As we have clearly said in our book “Where are all the Men?” the world equates sex with coitus: but the reality is that “sex” is a 24/7 relationship, not just a passing encounter. And if we read the rest of Fr Ronald’s article with this in mind, it might begin to make sense.
However, this is our perspective: “Because of our relationship with God we believe there is a far deeper intimacy than simply that of the joining of two bodies. The physical aspect of marriage is generally misunderstood, taken to mean only the sex act. But more realistically it is a 24/7 involvement with each other. Sadly, nowadays intimacy just means “sex” since these terms are mostly considered synonymous; sex is only understood in terms of copulation. Intimacy is not an act, but a state of being in which a couple gradually share more and more of themselves. It is about growing together in knowledge, trust and respect, and love whereby we can disclose our innermost thoughts, feelings, and aspirations. So long as we are in a relationship with God, this sharing will be in an atmosphere of safety, but not if we are under any form of Adamic influence. Our relationship with God should also be one of intimacy and on a 24/7 basis. In this there is a maturity for both the husband and wife. Intimacy means a joining of two human souls and that joining involves two spiritual beings, since we are essentially spiritual; we are spiritual beings on a human journey. This growing together is one of increased understanding of self and other, which ultimately should bring us into closer relationship with God”.
We are disturbed by the inference in the article (and we presume in Bell’s book) that sex “is designed to counter the brokenness of our lives and the fragmentation of our world”. We believe that only Christ can heal this brokenness, not finite humans in their limitations.
We have written elsewhere that we believe a man (or woman, for that matter) in isolation cannot write a book about sex, since it involves both a man and a woman. It appears to us that this may be the reason for the shortcomings of understanding revealed here.
Tags: gay marriage, relationships
Gay Marriage
Oct 26
Posted by ellenduguid in Right Relationships | 1 Comment
There is an increasing pressure from gay couples to get married. This is now moving into the proposal that they should be allowed to marry in church.
We found an article in our local newspaper by a columnist whose opening gambit was “Opposition to gay marriage is just intolerance.” He goes on to say “Does anyone really care if Danny and Dave or Felicity or Fiona tie the knot in church?” Well, yes, there are people who do care!
Before we get into that let us look at some muddled thinking in the above statements.
First, homosexual people already have the right to “marry” – in that they can enter into civil partnerships which provide them with most, if not all, the legal and societal recognition that married couples have. So one would say there is no “intolerance” associated with the relationship. The relationship is recognised under the law of the country, but there is a difference when one starts talking about marriage. The relationship in marriage is under God’s law as well as civil law, especially those marriages which have been solemnised in a religious ceremony, such as in church.
And here is where there are people who do care. Those people are the ones who care about God’s law as well as the civil law that springs from it.
Let us explain:
My wife and I are committed Roman Catholic Christians and have been married for 48 years. In our calling to live by God’s precepts we believe that marriage is strictly between a man and a woman for life. We therefore understand that, in God’s plan, the essential meaning of marriage is to participate with Him in His covenant with His people. Marriage is a covenantal commitment between God, husband and wife. A man chooses a woman to be his wife and the woman accepts the man to be her husband “above all other.” To be married in church (God’s visible sign on earth of His relationship with His people) is to accede to this truth.
So why should anyone who does not believe in God and His truth want to get married in His church? To do so without total commitment to Him is a lie and we see it as hypocrisy. It is like living in a country and ignoring the laws that govern that land.
All Christians – bishops, priests, pastors, spiritual leaders as well as the faithful laity – are the ones who care.
In this columnist’s own words “Tell me, dear reader, should I be worried?”
(This post is also appears on our other blogsite garryduguid.stblogs.com)
Tags: christianity, gay marriage, marriage, relationships
Reviews
Sep 8
Posted by ellenduguid in Publicity, Reviews | No Comments
Here is the full text of two Editorial Reviews that have been in the Catholic press over the past couple of months, together with a review that was sent to us by Richard G, who organises Post Alpha talks in his local Parish. Richard has run a prayer group in his beautiful 18th century farm house home for some 15 years.
The first two reviews appear in part on our Amazon page (go to www.amazon.com/ and type Where Are All The Men into Books Title.
Catholic Herald May 2011: “Books in Brief”
“Where are all the Men?”
This timely and important book asks two fundamental but related questions: why don’t more men commit themselves to God, and why don’t more men commit to marriage? These two issues are intrinsically related, according to the authors. It is men’s refusal to commit to God that also weakens the marriage bond. With chapters on Paul’s view on marriage and a couple’s roles, this is a
great book.
Catholic Herald June 2011: Francis Phillips Column
Where are All the Men? By Garry & Ellen Duguid. Amazon. £7.50 plus p+p. The joint authors of this book have been married for 47 years. In today’s society this is a significant achievement, but what makes the book worth reading is its thoughtful appraisal of what marriage is meant to mean for Christians, particularly men, and what specific gifts God designs men and women to bring to their marriage. They make it clear that a damaged relationship with God or family members during childhood will cause its own damage later on in adult life, when the pattern is replicated. In Ellen’s childhood God was seen as punitive rather than loving; her father drank and priestly sermons were always negative: “Thou shalt not…” Garry came from an undemonstrative household in which, although stable and caring, he was never told that he was loved.
When they met and married, Ellen soon gave birth to a disabled son which brought its own burden and stress to their fragile relationship. Garry admits that he remained a ‘bachelor’ in his heart and Ellen became ill as the result of feeling “an emotional and spiritual widow.” Yet unlike so many marriages, the Duguid’s came to experience the healing grace of God’s love and a deepened understanding of the love they bore each other. This has resulted in a ministry to others, helping individuals and couples discover a similar healing process for themselves. Although the combined authorship means the structure and narrative of the book is somewhat confusing, there are many wise insights within its pages, not least that a marriage will only truly blossom when God, experienced as loving and merciful, is at its heart.
Richard G: “Post Alpha” Organiser and Prayer Group Leader
Where are all the Men? by Garry and Ellen Duguid
I found this a stimulating thoughtprovoking and challenging book which asked some difficult questions especially to men in marriage and answered some of them by the witness of the authors in their own marriage as well as giving practical advice.
The book illustrated how powerful the Christian vows of marriage are when they are lived out in everyday life. One key to a spiritually enriched marriage is ‘ commitment’ a word used twice on the front cover of the book. If we commit ourselves to the marriage and to God, with a real desire to tap into all the graces blessings and other resources that God desires of our marriage, then He will sustain and enhance it in such wonderful ways.
There is very good teaching on God’s view of marriage, God’s love and human love and how we can make marriage work very well when we allow God to guide us and protect us and generally cooperate with His divine plan for us.
Ellen and Garry Duguid share the journey of their own marriage in this book to demonstrate the reality of the message behind the book.
I recommend the book for those who want to enhance their marriages through putting God at the centre of their married lives. July 2011
Talk with Bedford Catholic Men’s Group
Jul 11
Posted by ellenduguid in Events | No Comments
Sunday 10th July 2011
Garry and Ellen were recently invited by Samuel Baker to talk about their book “Where are all the Men?” with a group of Catholic Christian men in Bedford.
Samuel explained that the group had only recently been formed. He contacted Ellen and Garry after finding their blog. He decided that the topic might be of interest since most of the group members are married men.
In their talk Garry and Ellen outlined the events that led to their writing the book , together with some of the insights they had gained during that process, and how it had changed their lives.
The key issues were discussed openly with those present.
The accompanying photograph shows Samuel standing between Garry and Ellen in the front row, with other members of the group.
Tags: Publicity
AEG Author Blogs – Latest Blogs and More from AEG Published Authors
Jun 27
Posted by ellenduguid in Author Interview, Publicity | No Comments
AEG Author Blogs – Latest Blogs and More from AEG Published Authors
Garry and Ellen Duguid Interview
8 September 2010
We see in today’s secular society and even in church-going men, that much is wrong in marriage. Why are there so many breakdowns?
What is your book about?
The book is based on our own life-experience together with what we have gleaned from others’ writings and God’s perspective on marriage as in Scripture, drawing lessons from our mistakes. We look at men’s attitudes towards women from the ancient world to the present day. We detail the Image of God in man, the Love of the Father and His Covenant Relationship in all marriages. This is contrasted with Human Love and elements of Relationships. Other topics cover Submission, Leadership and the Roles of husband and wife, concluding with the Redeeming work of Jesus in the world and in marriage in particular.
What inspired you to write your book?
We see in today’s secular society and even in church-going men, that much is wrong in marriage. Why are there so many breakdowns? Why do so many reject commitment? Where are all the absent fathers? And why do they absent themselves? What are the root causes and the core issues? Until very recently we ourselves were ignorant of the reasons. Nonetheless the questions evoked within us the desire to discover answers and to share the message especially with men.
Tell us about yourself?
We have been together for 50 years, 47 of those as husband and wife and are now retired, living in West Sussex, England. We are Roman Catholics. We live in a house built in 1895 which we have furnished appropriately for its age. Our enjoyments include walking in the lovely Sussex countryside, writing and rummaging in junk shops for treasures. We have a married daughter and four grandchildren
Do you plan to write another book?
Yes, we have already commenced another book tentatively called “A Woman’s Place” as a working title. In some respects it is a companion volume to the “Where are all the Men?” but we now we plan to explore the whole question from a woman’s perspective: what does it really mean to be a woman? What did God mean woman to be?
aegauthorblogs.com/2010/09/08/garryandellen/
Objectifying
Jun 14
Posted by ellenduguid in Right Relationships | No Comments
We see that we live in a consumer society. This is a consequence of living in the capitalist, western world. Capitalism has to make more profit this year than it did last. Merely satisfying the needs of a society is not enough to make more profit. This is called Sales and Marketing, and it thrives on advertising. It achieves this by creating a demand, a want in the prospective buyer’s mind. Note this is not a NEED , but a WANT, a DESIRE. The product is objectivised so it becomes a MUST HAVE. This attitude even protrudes into our relationships: they also become objects of desire. An example of this is one woman having to look better than the next, and the only way to accomplish this is to have the latest fashion.
In this consumerist mentality men are encouraged to see women as objects of desire, to be had, owned, shown off. We believe this denies the essence of woman as a person, a child of God, made in His image. More recently women seem to objectify themselves, in the mistaken belief that they are in control, that they make the running in the relationship. But in this scenario there is no relationship only a “buying and selling” marketplace. (We are even getting to the stage of objectifying children with fashions resembling those of their parents, endowing them with sexual attributes they don’t possess).
So what are the natural consequences of “objectivising” and being “objectivised”? A brief glance at the media – films and television, books, magazines, even newspapers – loudly proclaims the result! Our “relationships” are diminished to the basic lowest denominator. We recently saw a newspaper article that boldly stated “The only reason we need to go out is for sex!”
Less modesty, less chivalry.
We recently listened to a programme between two women discussing the merits of the respective pro-life and pro-choice lobbies. We could not but fail to ask the question where did pro-choice begin? Or should we say, if pro-choice began outside the bedroom door, would there be a pro-life question at all?
Tags: Objectifying, relationships