Listography – Top Searches on OINKtales
October 17, 2011 in Mary's Lists | Tags: Body Combat, family, funny, humor, keywords, kitchen renovations, lists, monster trucks, sarcasm, search engine terms, search engines, suburbia, tampons
So, I’ve been thinking about writing quite a bit lately but haven’t managed to put the proverbial pen to paper (or, in my case, fingers to keyboard). I’ve got half a dozen incomplete posts flitting around inside my head, begging to be set out, cut, polished and published and at some point, I promise: I will get them to you. In the meantime, today’s post is off the top of my head, inspired by the hilarious Iris of The Bearded Iris who linked to a post from Kate Takes 5.
I’ve always been interested in the ways people find OINKtales (my obsession thoughts on how to turn visitors into return visitors is a topic for another post). WordPress has a handy tool that tells me on a weekly basis what search engine phrases people have used to visit my site. What I didn’t know, until today, was that WordPress keeps an “all time” list of search engine phrases. Eureka!
OINKtales’ Top 5 Search Engine Terms:
1. “oink tales” (Really peeps? Bookmark this shit site. Do it now.)
2. “body combat” (My apologies to serious Les Mills Body Combatants as I am a group fitness poser. Note to self: Only post on group fitness has become top search engine getter. Get new post on same topic finished fast.)
3. “monster trucks” (Boys like toys.)
4. “kitchen peninsula” (Very glad the before and after pictures of my kitchen renovation have had so much screen time.)
5. “suburbia” (Sigh. But I’d like to think that I’m not living in your average suburbs. I mean, it’s not like Vermont even has a city large enough to warrant suburbs. I live in a town. With lots of trees. And poor landscaping. Oops. That last bit is just at my house.)
“Wow, Mary, that was really fascinating.” Wasn’t it? Shut up and keep reading.
OINKtales’ Top 5 Weird/Funny/Scary Search Engine Terms:
5. “blonde teen brown eye brows plays with bottle brother sister” (Say what? What search engine brought them here?)
4. “BYOB restaurants Keene NH” (I’ve never been to Keene, NH nor have I written about it. I’m sure it’s a lovely place, though. If you know of a BYOB restaurant, please tell me. I’ll share. For anyone visiting the Burlington, VT area, BYOB to Tiny Thai in the Essex Outlet Mall. No corking fees so feel free to upgrade from the screwtop varieties.)
3. “bang my neighbor” (For the record, I am not banging my neighbor. Not any of them. Not even the hot one. I think we’ve already established that I live in the suburbs and that kind of thing just doesn’t happen here. But wait! Maybe they meant “bang” as in b.b. guns or airsoft rifles! Yeah. Well. I’m not doing that either.)
2. “tanya cashier at costco in inglewood” (Dude. If you’re looking for a date by googling the first names of cashiers in your area, you’ve got bigger problems than you think you do. Get thee to a counselor. STAT.)
1. “anne hathaway tampons” (I kinda love this. It’s so sick that it’s funny. I have indeed written posts about Anne Hathaway and tampons but they were separate posts about the Oscars and the O.B. shortage. Exactly why would anyone want to read about Anne Hathaway’s tampons? Shudder. It boggles the mind.)
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11 comments
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October 17, 2011 at 1:59 pm
Kate Takes 5
Brilliant. So glad to have found you. Your photo is almost the best thing about this post. Almost. The cashier one wins by a nose, or a tampon if you’d rather. Plus my house name is Inglewood
October 17, 2011 at 8:24 pm
Mary the OINKteller
Obviously, it was fated that we should meet.
Thanks for the idea and for inviting people to take part in the Listography!
October 17, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Alexis
Is somebody out there trying to figure out where they can get some of Ann Hathaway’s tampons? BTW – I love how you made sure to take care of banging your neighbor before you picked up kids (a lady has to have priorities!).
Sadly nobody has ever found my site from funny searches. But my favorite “search term” post of all time is from This is Not That blog (use of profanity here so don’t click if f-bomb is not OK),
thisisnotthatblog.com/2011/05/24/bear-suits-make-everything-better/
October 17, 2011 at 8:26 pm
Mary the OINKteller
Oh yeah, this lady has her head on straight. I mean, can you imagine if I had picked up the kids first?! Fuck that shit. I’m in a bear suit.
October 17, 2011 at 6:17 pm
The Bearded Iris
So, I was already laughing at the whole “bang my neighbor” thing, when I noticed the picture and was like, “Huh… I wonder why she put her shopping list on here?” And then I finally got to the end of the list in the picture and practically ruined my keyboard with my wine snarf. That shit is FUNNY, girl! And so subtle, which makes it even funnier. Brilliant. So glad you participated in the Listography! And thanks for the mention. I’m going to subscribe, so write some more! And more funny pictures please!
October 17, 2011 at 8:29 pm
Mary the OINKteller
Awesome! I love that I made you snarf wine. It warms my heart particularly since you make me snort my coffee on a near daily basis. Thanks for your post and your subscription – I’ll do my level best to keep your snarfs coming. (Ooh that sounds nasty!)
October 17, 2011 at 7:31 pm
katieo
Mary, you make me smile!
October 17, 2011 at 8:30 pm
Mary the OINKteller
Yay! Cause you have a beautiful smile, chica! Thanks for commenting!
October 18, 2011 at 7:04 am
She's a Maineiac
Oh, thanks for that laugh this morning! yes, never knew Anne Hathaway’s tampons were so fascinating!
I’ve had some real doozies on my search engine too. Most involving vacuum mishaps or hiding naked in the bathroom. Don’t ask me why.
October 18, 2011 at 9:53 am
Mary the OINKteller
Wait. Did you say that had a vacuum mishap and then went and hid naked in the bathroom? I hope you weren’t hurt!
October 23, 2011 at 2:38 pm
Kristen
Not even the hot one! Hee hee hee…ha..ha..ha… Sooo funny Mary! Thank you!