Gobsmacked By Alcoholism

Alcoholism Is Positively Negative

It never is what my defective brain interprets it to be. While a slave to the bottle, with alcohol as my higher power, it seemed it could be everything to me. That’s because alcohol WAS everything to me.

I drank for happiness and became unhappy.
I drank for joy and became miserable.
I drank for sociability and became argumentative.
I drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.
I drank for friendship and made enemies.
I drank for sleep and awakened without rest.
I drank “medicinally” and acquired health problems.
I drank for relaxation and got the shakes.
I drank for bravery and became afraid.
I drank for confidence and became doubtful.
I drank to make conversation easier and instead slurred my speech.
I drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
I drank to forget and was forever haunted.
I drank for freedom and became a slave.
I drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.
I drank to cope with life and instead invited death.

Nope, I didn’t think up the statements above, but, they are all true for me.

Early Sobriety Experience

I heard from two new people to sobriety this morning at an AA meeting. They were sharing what was going on with them. One was brand new to the program. The other was going to be picking up a 90 day chip this morning, but instead went out last night and downed 9 beers instead. The overwhelming theme from both was “I think”, “I thought”, “I’m doing this for so and so”, “I thought one drink would be ok”, and similar comments gleaned from what they’d shared.

If I don’t do Step ONE of the program 100% correct. I will drink. Period.

I am powerless over alcohol (hahahaha no shit!), and my life is UNMANAGEABLE (BY ME!). That’s an important note for me. The (BY ME!) part. If my life is unmanageable BY ME, I am NO LONGER in management of my life. I am fucking fired, clean out my desk, get my last paycheck and get the bleep out. What I think is unimp0rtant when it comes to the management of MY LIFE at this point. Then, I can come to believe that a power greater than myself (which at this point can be the dog, because they’ve got a great affinity for living in the NOW. They have 1 day at a time down in spades) can restore me to sanity.

This means that in very early sobriety. I didn’t think. If I thought, I would call my sponsor. I would run it by friends in the program. I would share it at a meeting. I would try to pray about it. TRY I say because in early sobriety, I didn’t have a concept of a higher power yet that I could wrap my head around so I used the AA Group as my higher power. It, as a whole, was certainly a power greater than me.

Point of fact for me being is that I was unmanageable by me. I was not capable of running my own life. I have certainly under my own steam fucked it up to the bejeebusbells, all on my own. So, getting the counsel of others more experienced than I was the “next right thing” for me to do.

Granted, God gave me a brain and expects me to use it as best I can. But, in early sobriety for me, until I had some tools in my toolbox, a few hundred meetings under my belt, and had delved into my 4th step, it was probably better than I was on the phone with my sponsor about the most trivial things on earth.

I stayed sober. I am still sober today. I don’t worry about tomorrow. I have today.

When I go to sleep at night, I am not thinking about tomorrow, because I never wake up in tomorrow. Whenever I wake up, it’s ALWAYS TODAY.

Elvis has left the building.

What I Feel versusWhat I Think

What’s the difference between the two?

From my experience there is a WORLD of difference when sharing in a recovery meeting between the two. Unless you’ve got an assload of sober time behind you, no one is interested in what you think. (simply because you don’t know anything!) Quoting the Big Book is lame unless you have related experience to back it up. (FYI)

Sharing about what you FEEL will most always get you help from those that DO know a thing or two. Learning about what you feel is a HUGE step in the right direction because I know that I drank to change the way I felt. You know “unless that feeling of ease and comfort can be replaced with something else other than a drink (or drug)”.

When sharing about a problem, include how you FEEL about it. Not JUST the problem itself. Dealing with the feeling more often than not makes the problem seem small and insignificant because many different problems can illicit the same feeling. So, solving the problem of the feeling is like taking a broad spectrum antibiotic rather than placing a small band aid over a large bullet wound.

TTFN and no matter what, don’t fucking drink.

What is God’s Will For Me?

What IS God’s will for me? I hear that question asked over and over in meetings that I attend. The quick and dirty answer is obviously, God’s will for me TODAY is just to stay sober for the present 24 hours. That’s always a good start for me.

But, what of other problems and situations where you must learn to live (ok, here comes a cliche) life on life’s terms? For me, I know I have two committees in my head. One produces bullshit, and the other one buys it. So, I know that reliance on self is out of the question.

The basic knowledge of what’s right and what’s wrong is a helpful thing for me to keep aware of. So, basically, the difference between my will and God’s will is GOOD will. It starts with doing the right thing. Let’s not bullshit and say “I don’t know what the right thing is.” I know damn well what the right thing to do is. It starts with NOT going against 1. The Ten Commandments. 2. The 7 deadly sins. 3. Common sense and 4. The 7 deadly needs.

What are the 7 deadly needs? Easy.

1. The Need to Know
2. The Need to Be Right
3. The Need to Keep Score
4. The Need to Get Even
5. The Need to Look Good
6. The Need to Control
7. The Need to Judge

I just start with all of that and I can be pretty sure that I’m doing God’s will for me today.

Alcoholism Took My Memory

Now 9 months sober, I am starting to realize that my brain just isn’t what it used to be. I really think I should get some cognitive reasoning tests done to see exactly how much of my gray matter that I’ve actually lost.

My short term memory is pretty dismal. I can forget someone’s name 1 minute after introduction if I don’t REALLY CONCENTRATE on it. This is just one of the many irritating and frustrating manifestations of the loss.

My organizational skills suck right now. I am just awful at keeping appointments straight, getting my work done promptly if I don’t chain myself to my computer, and following through all the way on projects undertaken.

I can still think on my feet pretty well though. That must come from a different part of my brain! (although I really don’t know for sure if that’s true).

What I’ve learned in dealing with all this and MUCH more is that I just need to take it easy on myself and give myself a freakin’ break. Expectations are premeditated resentments and I already have enough of those to deal with without creating more of my own making. So, I’ll walk this walk through the rest of my life slightly mentally impaired, but happy. At least now I’ve forgotten all the useless crap I had to learn in school.

World Trade Center

Saw the movie “World Trade Center” last night. Why is it a part of this blog? Well, there’s a character instrumental to the plot that is portrayed in recovery, and the way he portrays the part, it seems authentic. He shows “how it works” as well as behavior and attitude that I see (and try to exhibit myself) every day. Chuck the Paramedic in “World Trade Center” will bring a smile to anyone in recovery that is a part of AA or NA.

During the big rescue scenes toward the end of the film, the protagonists are found by a couple of motivated marines. The rescue team consisting of mostly NYPD prepare to descend into some dangerous wreckage. “ANYONE A PARAMEDIC?!?!?!” is shouted a few times. Out of nowhere. Here comes Chuck. “I lost my license a few years ago, but I’m good”

“Chuck, you need to get out of here, this whole thing can come down and we’ll all be killed” and Chuck just says “Listen, I’ve been in and out of rehab for 3 years. The only thing I’ve learned that I’m good at is helping people.”

It was great to be at that movie with another AA. It was an US moment. No one else prob
ably understood. WE did.

“How long is it going to take to clean ALL THIS UP?” hehehe “One day at a time”

I Change Or I Drink Again

I was at a Big Book Study meeting today and the reading was from Chapter 3. It, of course, talks about all the ways we bargain with our disease in order to keep drinking. Problem is, this just makes us more physically, and spiritually sick. Intending to stop drinking, or cutting back, or changing the beverage of choice is simply placating the disease of this alcoholic.

I would just LOVE to be judged on my intentions rather than my actions! I could do NO WRONG there. The rub there is that lying to myself about the effectiveness of such ruminations only digs the hole I’ve dug for myself a bit closer to standard 6 foot depth.

The person the drank, will drink again. This is something I ALWAYS remember. Short phrase, 100% correct. There are no loopholes. No way out of that one. I may stave off a craving with will power for a time, but if I’m the same Gob that drank, I will eventually drink again.

Change is the key for me! Through the concious educational changes of ME as the drinking person and the ME as the sober person. I change. Through the subtle spiritual changes that have occured over time, I change. I become a new person, and with God and AA I can live a happy life.

I cannot change the things I’ve done in the past, the wreckage I’ve left, it’s a part of me that WILL NEVER change. But, I can start brand new TODAY and change from this moment on one day at a time. I can change the ending. I can have a happy ending as long as I stay sober.

Reluctance to change is what keeps people drunk, relapsing, frustrated, unhappy, suicidal, in jail, institutions, and in that place where there ARE NO second chances. When confronted with change, give yourself a break. Don’t say, “that’s just the way I am, and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah” That’s utter bullshit. ANYONE can change. It’s just a question of how badly one wants to stay sober.

The Dilema

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement. (THIS one gets many people drunk. ASK FOR HELP FOR GOD’S SAKE!)

To expose feelings is to risk rejection.

To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

TO go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.

Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, or love.

Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave. He has forfeited his freedom.

Only a person who dares risk is truly free.

See ya in the funny papers! Gob

AA’s 7th Tradition

I go to alot of AA meetings. They are a big part of my personal recovery program. You’ve no doubt heard the phrase “meetings makers make it”? I heard that over and over very early on, and I took it to heart and have adjusted my life accordingly making 12-14 meetings a week at this point.

There are a slew of different types (formats) of AA meetings. Open discussion, Big Book Study, Step Study, As Bill Sees It, etc. The most maligned seem to be “Tradition Studies” where we discuss one of the 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. (at least by comments made by all that I’ve heard in and around the rooms). Personally, I used to feel the same way, but, for me, I think it’s because I didn’t understand them.

The 12 steps keep Alcoholics from killing themselves. The 12 traditions keep Alcoholics from killing each other.

Recently, I was at a Tradition study meeting talking about the 7th Tradition. Every A.A. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions

On the surface, pretty cut and dried. But, reading the short essay in the 12 and 12 and thinking about it, this tradition which was put into place years ago (that AA should remain poor, maintaining a prudent reserve) has a deeper meaning to me.

Humility. It’s an important quality to have and present in anyone noticeably who has long term sobriety. When I think poor, I think humble. Humility is very important in my recovery, knowing that I’m not all that and a bag - o - chips. Just my .02 cents.

www.aa-intergroup.org/html/seventhtradition.htm

AA Is A Cult

At least it is according to my wife.

During my recovery thus far, it’s absolutely driving my wife crazy that I’m not sick enough to be controlled any longer. Isn’t everyone much more pliant and ready to give in to anything when the’re three sheets to the wind?

Interesting facts about AA I just learned from my wife are:

1. “Fake it till you make it” is something that we say in AA when we’re just beginning our journey into recovery because if you don’t “fake it” until you GET a higher power, you’ll be chastised and asked to leave AA. No shit? I’m sure glad they didn’t kick me out initially.

2. AA is a religious program started by a minister. Bill W and Dr Bob? Who are they?

3. People in AA pray! “you pray now don’t you?” (she asked me). As a matter of fact I do, in fact I’m doing it right now because I really feel uncomfortable about being in outer space without any oxygen truthfully. “well, you never prayed before when you were drinking..” Of course I didn’t! I thought I WAS God and used to drink all the time because I was so pissed off about no one listening to me. You’re absolutely right about that.

4. “AA is a cult…that’s all you ever think about…when you’re not at THOSE meetings, you’re talking with someone on the phone…and even when someone comes over the house you’re talking about AA BULLSHIT” Well, we do talk about other things that “normal people” talk about, but we try not to do that around “normal people”. We wouldn’t want to give them the impression that we’re “normal”. Otherwise, we’d have to show them the secret handshake then everyone would know at once how to be happy even when you’re somewhere in the “twilight zone”. Pity I don’t spend so much time doing bottle math any more and seeing exactly how much booze it takes for me to wet myself. Those were much more enjoyable times I know.

But, cults have rules and regulations. AA has suggestions and traditions. But, no real rules except the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. So, you couldn’t be a member because you don’t have any such desire.

What a wonderful traffic jam conversation today….

Welcome To Gob Smacked

Gob is not my real name. Anyone I quote in a post will not be referred to by their real name either.

I am in my first year of sobriety, and had I been a bit more acute in the beginning I would have probably started this sooner. But, alas, I really drank myself into a coma that I’m just starting to come out of. Yes, I know that’s my fault.

So, welcome to my journey, and in the course of nearly eight months of meetings my overall impression of “Take What You Need And Leave The Rest” is actually for me “I’ve Burned Up Enough Brain Cells, So Please Don’t Fill The Remaining Good Ones I Have Left With Bullshit”. Take what you need and leave the rest leaves me with a quizzical look on my face. My version makes me smile.