The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents

Posted by Tara Force on February 14, 2012

Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Respectful Interactions with Other Parents

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.

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As parents, we make decisions for our families based on what we believe to be right. This stems from our upbringing, our experience and the unique personalities and temperaments of our kids (and us!). Parenting isn’t a one-size fits all approach and we will always encounter those who agree with us, who don’t and those who WE don’t agree with. The question is how we learn to interact respectfully and peacefully regardless of parenting philosophy or conflicting personalities.

Here are some keys that I’ve learnt – often the hard way!

5 Keys to peaceful and respectful parenting interactions

1. Don’t buy into parenting politics – just don’t play the game!

Playgroups, mother’s groups, pre-school and school are all places where the more, um, unpleasant side of mother’s come out. Competitive mothering, criticism, gossip, judgment and general nastiness can be commonplace – just don’t play the game. This is easier if we avoid negative people and invest time and effort into building positive relationships in our social circles.

2. Resist temptation to criticize people (or their kids!) behind their back

Just don’t go there. If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all! It shows respect to go directly to the mother (or child) if there is an issue that needs to be addressed.

3. Don’t try and mask judgment with concern

Don’t pretend to be concerned just so you can be right – it’s just plain manipulative!

4. Don’t concern yourself with the strong opinions or seemingly odd choices of others

Sometimes we need to get the focus off others and remind ourselves why we are passionate about our parenting choices. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what other people think or do if we truly feel we have made the right decision for our family. I have learnt not to argue. I now try to diffuse potential arguments with statements like “Well, I feel this is right for us” or “it sounds like you’ve made a choice that suits you” etc.

5. Be sensitive to the needs and experiences of others when discussing parenting topics or your own child

It’s great to be passionate but we also need to be sensitive in what we choose to talk about or discuss with other parents.

It IS possible to be passionate about our own parenting choices without de-valuing or disrespecting the choices of others. It just requires us to be prepared and armed with strategies (or keys!) for dealing with the inevitable conflict we face with other parents from time to time.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)

• How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it’s from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
• Judgement is Natural – Just Don’t Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
• Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
• When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
• Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
• Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
• The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother’s groups, etc.
• Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
• Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the “Mommy-space” online.
• Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God’s Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
• How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles… — Jenny at I’m a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents’ worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
• Public Relations — Momma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
• Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
• Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting – Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
• Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
• Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she’s learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
• Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
• Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
• Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
• If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
• Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
• Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.
• Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others’ parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
• The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
• Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
• Speaking Up For Those Who Can’t — We’ve all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you’re stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think “Gosh, I wish I said…” This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought “Gosh, I wish I said…”
• Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
• Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
• The Thing You Don’t Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
• 3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
• Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
• Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she’d want to meet.
• Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
• Saying “I’m Right and You’re Wrong” Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause… — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
• Have another kid and you won’t care — Cassie of There’s a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
• Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
• A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
• Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
• Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
• Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
• Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
• Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
• Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
• Explain, Smile, Escape — Don’t know what to do when you’re confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
• Balancing Cultures and Choices — Dulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
• Linky – Parenting Peacefully with Social Media — Hannabert’s Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.

 Pre-labour – My experience surviving the last week of pregnancy

Posted by Tara Force on February 9, 2012

A more personal post today…..

Yesterday I arrived expectantly at the hospital only to be sent home a few hours later. I hadn’t been particularly prepared to have a baby that day and my husband was still interstate for work. Although it wasn’t ideal timing – I still left a little disappointed.

I’d awoken the night before with painful cramps that wouldn’t go away. I panicked. My husband was away for work and I was alone in the house with the kids. The cramps were uncomfortable but not too bad but I still couldn’t sleep. I eventually relented and took two panadol and drifted in and out of sleep until 5am when I awoke to a stabbing feeling. It also subsided. I got out of bed at 7am with a headache and nausea and threw up for the first time since I was about 12 weeks pregnant.  Feeling like death, I took hope in the fact that something was happening. After hours of painful-ish contractions my sister convinced me to call the hospital and they told me to come in right away. It took me 2 hours to get organised to go. I wanted the house in order just in case I had to stay in! Needless to say they were a little peed off when I finally arrived!

My beautiful sister accompanied me while they monitored the babies heartrate and contractions for half an hour. They then called my obstetrician to get his opinion and he gave me an internal. He said babies head was right down but there was no dilation therefore the diagnosis was possibly latent-phase labour or just simply pre-labour.  He ordered me some food (God bless him!) and sent me home.

I’m booked in for a c-section after having 3 previous c-sections but I always prefer my babies to tell me when they are good and ready. Thankfully my OB is also supportive of this and says that waiting until as close as possible to your due date with the risk of natural labour is in babies best interests and has a better outcome for everyone.

Last night my husband got home and ran me a warm bath with candles and lavender oil which was so relaxing that my contractions stopped altogether! I went to bed early and woke up to only one painful contraction overnight. Today, I feel a million dollars – no pain whatsover. I’m not sure if I’m relieved or disappointed.

A midwife had said “You may go into labour tonight or last until your due date next week.” When it comes to babies and birth there are no specifics! Every experience is different! I don’t like the unknown and I don’t like waiting. I’m torn between wanting my body to do its thing and baby to choose it’s own birthday and between the convenience of knowing exactly when I need to be ready to go into hospital. This is particularly helpful with three other children to organise. I’m embarrassed to admit that it has also crossed my mind that I have a hairdresser and naturopath appointment the day before my scheduled c-section that I’d like to keep. I’m a walking contradiction at the moment. I’ not sure if I want a surprise labour or a controlled schedule?

I feel like I’ve been experiencing pre-labour for weeks but then it’s also hard to know whether it’s pre-labour or a normal fourth pregnancy where every experience seems magnified.  Pre-labour is frustrating to say the least but I’m going to try and focus on the million other things that I should enjoy doing while I’m still pregnant! This means having a nap today and focusing on the projects I have going and getting super organised for when bubs arrives. This means yet another load of washing and re-organising cupboard space. I might even clean the bathroom!

Written by Tara Force