My Life

My Stupid Brain

21 Comments 22 February 2012

I’m writing this blog with a fair bit of trepidation. It’s a subject that is difficult to talk about. But I’m hoping that, just like when I told you about my panic disorder, talking about this issue will make it easier for me to deal with. So, I’m writing this mostly for me.

But I’m also writing it for people who are dealing with similar problems. I’ve had several people email me, thanking me for being open about my panic problems and agoraphobia, because it’s helped them feel less alone. Mental illnesses are very real diseases that, stupidly, carry a lot of social stigma with them. It reminds me a bit of when people ran from lepers, yelling “Unclean!”

Anyway, I have a mental illness, and lots of other people have mental illnesses, and the more we talk about them–even the painful, awkward aspects (which I’m about to address)–the more that social stigma will disappear and the easier it will be for sufferers to ask for help.

So, here’s the deal: in addition to my panic disorder and agoraphobia, I have significant self-harm issues.

Bam. Now you all think I’m weird and suicidal. But that’s not what this is.

Self-harm can take many forms, and I don’t claim to be an expert on the subject by any means. Heck–my own form of it isn’t even clear. It started several months ago, and has morphed and changed multiple times. It began as a strange obsession with the stairs. Every time I’d go up or down a set of stairs I’d think “I really ought to fall down these stairs.” I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I think that’s the point.

(Sidenote: my Twitter followers will recall that I’ve slipped twice on my basement stairs and fallen. That was before any of this, and unrelated.)

Soon, the problem changed to “I really ought to break my hand” and I’d think–obsess–about punching the wall.

Currently, the obsession is “I really ought to bleed from my head.”

No, none of this makes sense. The obsession is hard to describe–it’s a constant fixation. I’ll sit on the couch, watching TV, but my mind will be glued to the corner of the wall and thinking about how much better things would be if I smashed my forehead into the sharp edge and began to bleed.

And I’ll admit I’ve indulged occassionally (and the indulgence, however painful, only makes the craving stronger).

Without exaggeration, I can say that I think about punching myself in the face at least once a minute, and I have to conciously choose not to do it. It sucks.

To make it clear: self-harm is an entirely different beast from suicidal thoughts, and I can honestly claim to have never had the latter. People who self-harm (and I know this sounds crazy, but, after all, it IS a mental illness) do so to ease their pain. When I think “I really should bleed from my head” I always imagine that doing so will make me feel better. On the other hand, people who are suicidal are doing the opposite: looking to escape their pain rather than relieve it.

Why do I have it? It’s not clear yet. In many people, they self-harm as a way to transfer their mental/emotional pain into physical pain. However, my psychiatrist tends to think that my self-harm is more closely related to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (which is commonly comorbid with panic disorder).

My self-harm issues are part of the reason that I make models (like I showed on the blog yesterday)–because the urge is lessened when I keep my hands occupied at all times. (If I’m not doing something with my hands, I’ll often hold my right hand with my left, just as an extra barrier to keep me from acting on the urge to hit myself.)

And that’s about it. I don’t have any great advice, or a point to make. It’s just like when I told you about my panic disorder: it’s been too hard not to tell you. I don’t like having to lie to my friends to explain weird behavior. And, talking about problems is always better than not talking about problems.

But here’s the deal: I’m still a normal person. Maybe that’s the point of all this. Just because I have a mental illness doesn’t mean I’m a freak, any more than having a physical illness, like the flu or diabetes or cancer, makes someone a freak. I can still do things. I can still talk to people. I can still write books and behave in normal society. It’s just hard sometimes.

My Life

Big Crazy Thing #2

11 Comments 21 February 2012

I’ve been referring to this on Twitter for several weeks now: a follow-up project to last month’s Egyptian fortress. These things are essentially terrain for tabletop wargames (though really just an excuse for me to make models). The Egyptian one was more planned for Mordheim, a fantasy-based wargame, but my friends (my brother Dan, Howard Tayler, Larry Correia, Jordan Sanderson) are all much more involved with Warmachine, which is more steampunk. So, I decided to make something more Warmachine-y.

Anyway, you’re just here to see the pictures. It’s essentially a steampunk-ish refinery.

It’s basically a huge mountain–about 28 inches tall, and three feet long. In steampunk tradition, I’ve loaded it with pipes and gears and passageways.

Another view. On the last one, someone asked me for step-by-step photos of the building process, but I was too lazy to take them. But, here are a few how-it’s-made tidbits: the whole structure is made of 2″ Foamular insulation, which I glued together (with caulk) and then carved. I got most of the pipes at Home Depot, just walking through and looking for unusual fittings. The brass pipe is PVC. The chimneys are black plastic plumbing hose. The round refinery tanks are Christmas ornaments. The cylindrical tank (with the black and yellow warning stripes) is a Diet Coke can. The bricks are from the baking aisle at the grocery store–plastic molds for making fondant bricks on cakes. And then there’s a ton of balsa wood and foamcore and lots of other things.

Here’s a shot of the cave interior. That bridge runs from one side to the other. Also, because I thought it would be neat, there are battery-powered LED lights up at the top of the cave. (You can’t see them in this picture.) If you look closely, you can see the horizontal lines where the insulation is stacked. I should have caulked them up better, or spackled them, but I got lazy and figured the paint would hide it. Darn.

Some more detail, with some of my Warmachine models for reference.

More detail. You get a better look at the gears here. They were, to put it mildly, a pain in the butt. (I found a little package of assorted ornamental steampunk gears at the craft store, and they were never meant to have a chain attached. So, the chain doesn’t fit the gear teeth. I got a lot of superglue on my fingers that day, boy howdy.)

A closer look at the top of the mountain. And my messy living room.

The other side. Instead of pipes over here, it’s the rickety wood stairs to get up to the top. Also, you can see through the tunnel to the bridge.

A better look at the rickety stairs, and the back side of the cave.

Anyway, that’s Big Crazy Thing #2. Tomorrow, if I can get up the courage, I’m going to write a much more serious blog post about why I’m building these things.

My Life

Get a Hobby

26 Comments 26 January 2012

So, as mentioned before, I have a mental illness. I’ve been seeing a psychologist, and one of the things she said I needed to do was to get a hobby: the mixture of agoraphobia, writing and working from home had made it so I not only would never leave my house, but I would rarely leave my office.

Many years ago, I used to play wargames–not board games, but tabletop games, where you collect and paint little miniatures. I played Warhammer (both 40k and Fantasy) since I was about 15, and I’ve dabbled in a few others, most recently Warmachine.

Anyway, I put all of that stuff away when my first kid was able to crawl. Wargame figures are both fragile and and expensive (and swallowable) and having kids running around pretty much put an end to that hobby. However, when my psychologist told me to get a hobby, my wife immediately suggested that I get back into wargames. (Truth be told, I almost never really play the games. I’m mostly in it for the modeling aspect.)

So, I’ve been painting little guys. And, given my similar love of model railroads, it should come as no surprise that I’ve recently gotten enamored with making scenery. I’ve built some of the packaged scenery models (with lots of little additions and alterations of my own), but the other day I came to a realization: For the same cost as a pack of balsa wood (the modeler’s wood of choice, because it’s so easy to carve), I could buy a big 4′x8′ sheet of 2″ insulation. Back when I used to work for a theater, that was a staple of set building, because it was lightweight and easy to carve.

But what to build with it? I wanted some kind of large fort, but I’ve already built medieval castles before, and I wanted something different. I downloaded a free trial of AutoCAD–I download a free trial of AutoCAD about once a year for weird projects like this–and in an hour I’d designed an Egyptian fortress/palace thing.

And then the mental illness kicked in, and I obsessively worked on the thing like a crazy person, like Richard Dreyfuss building the Devil’s Tower in his living room.

Anyway, here it is. I apologize for my crappy photography skills.

 

So, anyway, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last week. But now it’s done, and it’s time to write a book.

FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions

3 Comments 04 January 2012

General Stuff

How can I get a signed copy of Variant?

If you’d like to get a signed copy of Variant, I’ve made arrangements with a local indie bookstore, The King’s English. They will always have signed copies stocked, and they will ship them if you’re out of state. (And, if you want a copy personalized, let them know and I’ll drop by there to get it done.)

The King’s English Bookshop
1511 South 1500 East
Salt Lake City, UT 84105
801-484-9100

For special requests, ask for Rachel Heath, their Childrens Books Manager.

Do you do school/library visits?

I love doing school and library visits. If you’re a local teacher (near Salt Lake City) you can usually contact me directly. For non-local, or bigger events, please contact my publicist at HarperTeen, Arianna Heintz. You can reach her at Arianna.Heintz@harpercollins.com.

How can I contact you, and do you answer emails?

You can email me through the Contact Me link on this website. I do receive and read every email sent to me through there, and I try to respond to them all, but I’m sometimes slow. If you have a more urgent question, I’m almost always on Twitter.

Is it true that your brother is Dan Wells, author of the I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER series?

Yes. He’s a way better writer than I am, and you should buy his books. (But I’m way more attractive, and you should buy my portrait.)

Variant

What inspired you to write Variant?

Variant was written almost on a dare. In the spring of 2009, during the height of the recession, I graduated with my MBA and I couldn’t find a job. I was living in student housing, so when I graduated they kicked me out and I ended up moving my wife and three kids back in with my parents, and then I continued to not find a job (and not be able to pay the bills). It was a very depressing time, and my brother, a full-time horror author, made me a proposal: he’d pay my way to the upcoming World Fantasy Convention and introduce me to agents and editors, if I had something ready to pitch (and that something would need to be sci-fi or fantasy).

The problem was that he made this proposal at the end of July, and the convention was in October–and I hadn’t written any sci-fi or fantasy since my first (terrible) book.

But, there was no time to lose. A couple days later I had to take my mom to a doctors appointment, and while I sat in the waiting room, I wrote a very rough outline of Variant. The only specific inspiration I can remember–because this all happened so fast–was that I wanted to write a book where there were no adults at all. So, with that premise, and 30 minutes worth of scribbled outlines, I set out to write the book.

I wrote the first draft in eleven days, and then revised like crazy until the convention, and after the convention, and after I got an agent, until it finally sold.

Why did you choose New Mexico as the setting?

Because I used to live there, and I love it. In my mind, I imagine Maxfield being set in the Zuni Mountains.

When will the sequel come out?

The sequel, titled Feedback, will be released Fall of 2012, probably in October. There will be only one sequel–it’s not a trilogy.

What’s the deal with that ending?

Trust me, I find cliffhangers as maddening as you do, though I like to think that this one is interesting enough that it benefits the book, not detracts from it.

(Behind The Scenes Trivia *no spoilers*: Originally, the book ended one chapter earlier, but many people–readers, editors, me–thought it was too ambiguous. In fact, some people actually thought there were missing pages. So, I added the cliffhanger chapter for the purpose of saying “This is the end of the book”.)

Don’t worry, though. Feedback starts immediately where Variant ends, and many of your questions will be answered in just the first few chapters (though new questions will also emerge).

Getting Published

How long have you been writing?

Unlike most of my author friends, I came to writing relatively late in life. I never wanted to be a writer as a kid–in fact, I hated both writing and reading in school. It wasn’t until I was in college that I fell in love with reading, and shortly after that I started to write. So, I’ve been writing for about 12 years now. I’ve written eight manuscripts, four of which have been published.

Is Variant really your debut novel?

Yes and no. I had three novels published in the local market, beginning in 2004. These books were available in some brick-and-mortar stores in the intermountain west (Utah, Idaho, Arizona, etc), and online. They are all long out of print, and the best seller of the three only ever sold a few thousand copies.

So, yes, I’ve had a lot of experience with book signings and contracts and writing workshops for many years, but Variant is my first nationally-published book.

How did things work out at the World Fantasy Convention?

Terribly. It was my first time pitching a book, and even though I knew how to give an elevator speech–in business school you take whole classes on that kind of thing–I was nervous and awkward and completely unsuccessful. Only one agent requested I send them the manuscript, and he didn’t get back to me until almost a year later, after the book had sold.

(Even so, I think conventions and conferences are invaluable, and even though this didn’t work out on the first try, I still highly recommend that aspiring authors go to them.)

How did you find your agent?

After the convention, my brother recommended me to his agent, Sara Crowe. I sent it to her, and she signed me a week later. And Sara is AWESOME, and I’m extremely lucky.

How did you sell Variant?

Variant went out on three rounds of submissions. The first time, Sara and I both knew it needed some revision, but it was early November and she wanted to get it out to editors before things slowed down for the holidays. Everyone on that first round rejected it, almost all for the same reason, and I revised to fix that problem.

On the second round, we could tell we were getting close. Editors sent back big emails talking about everything they loved, but that it just wasn’t ready yet. One of those editors was Erica Sussman at HarperTeen. She said that if I made some changes, she’d be willing to look at it again.

So, I did a major revision, re-writing the final third almost from scratch and entirely removing the second-biggest character. We sent it out on submission a third time, and got four offers within a week, and decided to go with Erica at Harper. (And Erica is AWESOME.)

What are you working on next?

I have a three book deal with Harper, so there is a third, as-yet-undetermined book waiting to be written. I have a super awesome idea, but I’m not going to tell you what it is, other than to say it will be a similar genre to Variant. (Meaning: modern-day, real-world, with a sci-fi twist.)

Writing

What advice would you give aspiring authors?

If you watch my blog, I give writing advice once in a while, so it’s worth looking at that. But here are three big things:

1. WRITE. When I first decided I wanted to write, I talked to my brother about my story idea, and he gave me the best writing advice I’ve ever received. He said “Everybody says one day they’re going to write a book. Everyone says one day they’re going to sit down and write the Great American Novel. The difference between writers and everyone else is that writers actually do it.”

I know this seems really basic, but I’ve met a TON of aspiring authors who don’t really put in the long hours, or who are afraid to start until they have a perfect outline, or who are stuck revising the same first book over and over and never move on.

So, my first advice is: write a book, and then write another one, and then write another one and keep going.

2. NETWORK. Go to conventions and conferences. Join author blogs, and comment on other authors’ blogs. Get on Twitter and interact with authors and aspiring authors. Join or organize a writing group.

I didn’t go to my first conference until my second book was published, and I think I learned more in those three days than I had in the past two years. And I wasn’t learning just from the classes, but from the conversations. Sitting down with others and talking shop is SO valuable.

If you’ve ever had to look for a job you know how beneficial it is to know someone–to have a person who knows the hiring manager recommend you. The same is true in writing. Of all my writing friends who have agents, I’d bet at least 75% of them got their agents through some kind of networking: meeting the agent at a conference, or having another author refer you to their agent.

3. REVISE. Writing is hard work, and when you type “The End” you want to be done, but that’s just where the real work starts. I have come to both love and really value revising, though it took me many years to get to that point. The three books I published in the regional press are very important to me, and I’m proud of them, but I also cringe at them. They could have been so much better if I’d quit being lazy and revised and revised and revised.

Personal

You live in Utah–are you one of those Mormon YA writers?

Yep. For those who don’t know, in the last three or four years there has been a massive surge of Utah YA authors in the national market: James Dashner was one of the first authors I ever met–he came to one of my booksignings back when both of us were completely unknown. Ally Condie is a critique partner of mine. Brodi Ashton lives two blocks away. J. Scott Savage is in my writing group. Shannon Hale went to my high school. Dan Wells is my brother (obviously). And there are loads of other locals making waves: Jessica Day George, Elana Johnson, Brandon Mull, Bree Despain, Sara Zarr and many more. (My personal opinion on why this happened all of a sudden: I think it grew slowly until we hit a critical mass where there were enough published authors that they were able to successfully help aspiring authors improve and reach the next step. The writing community here is fantastic and open and helpful, and I really think it’s this community–this network, to emphasize that again–that led to so many locals doing well.)

What are your favorite books?

They change so much that I can’t really make a long list. But, the top two are easy.

#1: Millions, by Frank Cottrell Boyce, is my all time favorite book, because it’s just so incredibly good. It’s also the book that made me want to write for kids.

#2: Huckleberry Finn, because it’s the book that really got me reading–it’s the book that showed me that, yes, maybe all those books I was supposed to read in high school (and didn’t) actually were worth something.

As for others, I read a ton of non-fiction–probably a ratio of five non-fiction for every fiction. My favorites of 2011 were Incognito: The Secret Life of the Brain and Everything is Obvious, Once You Know The Answer.

What are your favorite movies?

In no particular order:

On The Waterfront
It’s a Wonderful Life
The Bourne Trilogy
The Sting
The Manchurian Candidate

Where did you go to school? Did you get an English degree?

I did my undergrad at the University of Utah, getting a BS in political science and a minor in history. (I wanted to major in history, but it required that I take 15 hours of a language, and I didn’t want to. Poli-sci let me take most of the same classes, and not learn a language.) (To be clear: I’d love to know a foreign language. I just didn’t want to have to take those classes.)

Upon discovering that a poli-sci degree is worth pretty much nothing in the real world, I eventually went back to school, getting a fulltime MBA in marketing at Brigham Young University.

So, no English degree. I never even took a creative writing class until AFTER I’d sold my first book. It set me back in some ways–I had to learn a lot of the rules of writing the hard way–but I’m also glad to have been able to take classes in non-writing-related fields. I wrote two books based on ideas from my poli-sci classes.

I hear you’re a crazy recluse. True?

I was diagnosed in 2011 with a severe panic disorder, which quickly morphed into agoraphobia. I’m now on meds (which kinda help) and I’m in cognitive-behavioral therapy (which kinda helps). I still enjoy doing book events and meeting people, I just have to prepare myself better and plan ahead.

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