Francis Flynn of Stanford University found that people underestimate the willingness of others to help by as much as 50%. Think about the power of that statistic. It means that you can leverage resources simply by being willing to ask for help!

I see this play out in my work all the time. Whenever I meet with Global 500 executives and sales leaders, I challenge them to hold me accountable for making them successful. I tell them if they know of a way I can make them successful—no matter how big or how small—to ask me. I don’t promise that I will be able to deliver on every request. But I stress that it doesn’t hurt to ask.

Even confident Global 500 executives don’t always take me up on the offer. But when they do, the things they come up with are fascinating.

For instance, at the beginning of my live workshops I typically display the logos of companies I’ve worked with in the past. One business development executive attending my workshop in Asia noticed that the account he was calling on was a past client of mine. He heard me offer to help in any way I could and stored that information away in his mind.

Weeks later, he was dealing with one of his key contacts at his target account. The contact had just been thrust into a leadership position and needed to organize a retreat for his team members. The task was outside the contact’s core competency and he was, quite frankly, overwhelmed.

The executive remembered I had worked with the organization in the past and offered to bring me in for a workshop for the contact’s team.
He called me and told me he was taking me up on my offer. He needed me to do a free workshop for him in a few weeks time. And to make the meeting, I would have to leave the US on the 4th of July!

The result? The business development executive was the only vendor who was able to attend the workshop and was able to build great relationships that months later turned into a major deal.
Now, if people started asking me to give workshops half a world away all the time I wouldn’t always be able to do it, but research shows that sometimes you just have to be willing to ask.

When girl scouts come home with news of the annual cookie sale or when students come home from school with fundraising forms for candies, calendars, wrapping paper or some other non-essential, what do parents do?

What strategy do parents employ to quickly sell the cookies, the wrapping paper or the candy?

Do they mimic the process most salespeople have been taught for a generation and cold call?

Do they grab a phonebook and tell their kids to start with the “As”?

Of course not!                  

The reach out to grandma—she won’t say no.

They go to uncles and aunts—they are easy marks.

They find their friends at work and demand they buy a couple boxes (just got one of these from my business partner JP only a week ago).

In other words, they go to the people they know first.  They sell to people with whom they already have relationships. 

The “Girl Scout cookie” strategy works.

So why don’t more salespeople employ it?

And since everybody sells, why don’t we use it more to garner the help and support we need at work, in life or to just get a second opinion?

No matter what you have to sell (whether a product, a service or an idea ) start with your base — the people that know who you are, what you are about and stand ready to help and assist. 

Don’t think you have enough of a base to support your dreams and aspirations?

Time to start networking (see prior blogs and videos on this website for ideas on how to do just that)!

A relational mindset doesn’t just help you build your network, sell more and accelerate your career. Thinking relationally can help you become a better negotiator. 

Our old transactional mindset convinces us that the “pie” is only so big. The relational mindset opens us to new options and new perspectives. We can struggle to split the pie, sure. But we can also cut the pie into unique pieces or even make a second pie TOGETHER!

Negotiation and the Relational Mind: 

1.  Before you begin negotiating, take the time to define what success REALLY means to YOU. Do you REALLY want the title, the money, the power to make things happen or do you want something else?  

2.  Do your HOMEWORK. Don’t assume what you want is what other people want. Use relational research to determine what’s really at stake. An educated guess, even if it’s wrong, provides a foundation from which you can adjust as you gain new information in the negotiation. 

3. Understand want it means to CHOOSE! Yes, negotiation it is about territory but it’s also about commitment. Making a choice is a two-sided coin with a straight forward deal. You get THIS when you choose THIS but by definition when you chose THIS you lose your rights to THAT.

 It’s true. Success doesn’t always mean a higher salary. So remember, the pie has a lot to offer:  benefits, title, level of independence, bonuses, type of work, location of work, structure of the work process, no travel, some travel, lots of travel, entertainment, private jets, summers in the Hamptons…time with your family and friends. 

Amazingly, most people don’t give enough thought to what they REALLY want; they make knee-jerk decisions and fight for turf for turf’s sake. In this respect, traditional negotiations are reactive, animalistic affairs, instead of relational discussions about how we can make one another successful. 

What is success to you?

What is success to other members of the group? 

Now let’s start succeeding- TOGETHER.

How do we facilitate the discussion that introduces deep thinking to a broader group?

Deep thinking has traditionally been under the domain of people paid to “THINK”.

That was the IBM motto, right?

But when was the last time you saw someone in your office just starring off into space or spending the day starring at a cup of coffee in a Starbucks?

It’s rare.  Most of us think of value creation as a linear-mechanical phenomenon. 

But it is not. 

We have to get beyond that.  How we see, what we see, the way we see it – these are the products of a progressive set of filters that refine what we (the collective “we”) think is right, and how we see you, judge you and by extension, potentially limit the scope of your interactions under the prevailing way.

In some families, the evidence that they love each other is the lack of problems.  If you ask someone from this type of family why they love their spouse they will say, “We just fit together.  It’s a no pressure relationship.”

In other families, the evidence that they love each other is the magnitude of the problems they have faced together.  If you ask someone from this type of family why they love their spouse they will say, “we’ve been through hell together and we’ve survived it all–together.”

At work we deal with people who come from “lack of problem” families and people who come from “magnitude of problem” families.  They often disagree about what being a successful team looks and FEELS like.   

One group measures organizational success in terms of stability.  If you ask a manager from this group to explain why they are doing a good job they will say, “we haven’t had a crisis on my watch yet”.  This is great if they are process managers. 

The other group measures organizational success in terms of durability.  If you ask a manager from this group to explain why they are doing a good job they will say, “that crisis could have wiped us out but we were fast and agile and we got through it”.  This is great if they are dealing with uncertainty. 

In our work we find that problems and organizational friction often arises when teams consist of both family types.  This is often the case in matrix organizations when dual team leaders are different types. 

But in contemporary organizations, we need both types of people.  We need people that are obsessed with things working right and we need people who will deal with anything that comes their way.

It is how we prove we love each other.  It is how we decide who’s got our back.  Where do you fall?  How can others prove they love and support you?  What can you do to show that you love and support people who belong to the other group?