Mommies Here!

Hi!

I have to say that it has been over  a year since I’ve written a blog post. Since I last wrote, I have been overwhelmingly happy with my new life as an adoptive mom. Baby Jay, my son, is now 20 months old and I have to say that I have enjoyed every second of being his one of his moms. And I have never been happier ( or my sleep deprived) in my life.

Even though I feel very overwhelmed juggling my job and motherhood, I decided to hop on this book tour when I heard about Found, A Memoir by Jennifer Lauck. As a relatively new adoptive  mom, I have a lot of anxiety about how my son will react and– later– process the fact that he is adopted. So  the idea of reading a memoir by an adult adoptee and sharing this experience with other bloggers was very compelling.

I want to pause for just a moment to thank Lori Lavender Luz for organizing this tour with such grace and professionalism and I want to also thank all of you for stopping by. My only hope is that I, as a rusty blogger, who just finished dusting off her keyboard, can do this tour justice.

Overall,   Found was a very difficult read for me. Jennifer is a brilliant writer who doesn’t sugar coat her truth.  I experienced her as very brave writer, fearless, in fact. And that is what scared the crap of out me. Her story is a painful one and, for me, that reality coupled with her perspective on adoption as an adoptee made this a tough but very worthwhile read.

Okay, here are my three questions and answers.

1. Do you feel that presenting connection with the birth mother as a necessity is upsetting for those adoptee’s who are not able to meet their mother because she is deceased?

I imagine that they way that Jennifer deal’s with her connection to her birth mother would be upsetting for many people involved in the adoption triad. I do imagine that many adoptees who cannot meet their birth moms would be devastated upon learning of their birth moms death, but I also imagine that that pain of separation would be there anyway. I also think that people who have closed adoptions may be disturbed by this. But, on the other hand, I think that they may find solace in Lauck’s book because, sometimes when faced with brutal honesty, one can find liberation and, ultimately, peace.

As I said before, I appreciate Lauck’s honesty, but it doesn’t make her story any easier to read.

As an adoptive mom, it’s tough to think that my son may be disturbed to learn that he is adopted. In an effort to establish a connection with his birth mom, I have a ”social network” relationship with his birth mother, who is somewhat reluctant to stay in contact with us.  I send her pictures every six months, and she responds, on occasion, but she has yet to agree to see him. I am very worried about that. I fear that she will never come around and that he will feel rejected by her. I fear that she may pass away before he gets to meet her. I fear the unknown.

So that  the book only added to my anxieties.

2. On pp 17-18, Jennifer talks about a baby searching for her mother after being born. How did this sensory-rich passage strike you? What thoughts did it trigger about the role you play in adoption?

First let me say that I though that her descriptions in this passage were really beautiful. And as I was reading it, for a moment, I forgot that I was an adoptive mom, and I became a child, searching for my mother’s breast. And I harkened back to the connection that I felt with my own mother, who has now passed, and I felt a familiarity, a sisterhood, and a genuine appreciation for Lauck’s skill as a writer and her empathy as a woman.

But then there was a moment, when I snapped out of all of that, and I felt completely inadequate as a woman, as an adoptive mom, and it made me sad. Having tried to get pregnant for three years, I sometimes, feel like I missed out on a very important life experience. And even though I have mourned that loss, passages like the one on 17-18 in Lauck’s book do cut through my flesh.

For example, Lauck writes:

“What  is not commonly known–although it is common sense–is that within moments of separation from the mother, a newborn will experience outrage, panic, and eventually terror. Within forty-five minutes, studies show a baby will go into shock and lose consciousness. Once the baby awakens, she will use her senses to search for her mother again and if the mother isn’t there, the baby goes through the same process(p. 18).”

And then I thought about my son and his birth experience, which I missed. And I hoped for him. And I hurt for him and his feelings of loss. I hope that he will be able  to connect with the woman who gave birth to him, because I imagine that even though they may not “know” one another, there will be  a recognition of one another on both a spiritual and molecular level that will be very important to him.

3. Especially in the beginning of the book, I couldn’t decide if the author’s matter-of-fact style was meant to increase the shock factor, or served as a coping mechanism. What do you think?

Obviously, I don’t know that answer to this question, but it’s a good one. At first, I was disturbed by her matter-of-fact style. And then, as I started to go through the book , I thought that maybe I could learn something from her. Maybe this was some of road map that I could use to deal with painful experiences. What I mean is: it is what it is.

There are certain realities that we cannot change. Even if we want to. But, nevertheless, it is important to tell the story.

Thank you, Jennifer!

To continue to the next stop of this book tour, please visit the main list at The Open Adoption Examiner.

I finally have a chance to post. It’s been non-stop around here since the our adoption finalization day. It was amazing. Many of our friends and family came to support us while we met with the judge. The judge was nice—very support with a wry sense of humor. The whole thing took about 10 minutes, including the picture taking.

Basically, we all met in surrogate’s court in downtown NYC on one of the coldest days of the year.  Then we were escorted up to a beautiful waiting room, where we were greeted by other couples who were also finalizing their adoptions.

We happened to be the last family on the docket that day, but it went relatively quickly because we were on a such a high. When we were called in, we all proceeded into the judge’s chambers.

My father was there, along with Baby Jay’s godmother,  two of his stalwart playmates and their moms, the executive director of our adoption agency, and, of course, my attorney. We all sat around the table while the judge talked about how wonderful our Jay is.  She was tickled that two of his friends, who were also born in 2010, came along. She said that was the first time she had a two other babies witness an adoption signing. And she said that the fact that he had so many people there to support him was a good sign of things to come.

Then she asked routine questions like: how much we paid our attorney? and how did we find her?  Have your life circumstances changed since we brought Jay home? That part was all very routine.

Then, she had all of us raise our hands and swear that this was meant to be.

”This is the fun part of my  job, she began, “do you all solemnly swear that this is a good idea—that Nadia and Eva should be Baby Jay’s parents? and that this should be forever?”

“Yes,” we all cried in unison.

“And so by the power vested in me, I declare it so.”

Any day now, I should get the official paper work from the state of New York. Yippee!

It was brief but magical.

I thought I was going to cry but I didn’t; it seemed as if it was over before it began.

Then we took all sorts of pictures but, unfortunately, very few of them came out. I’ve posted the only focused picture we have with the judge.

After the paper signing, many of us went out to celebrate over lunch.

Even though I didn’t cry at the signing, I’ve definitely cried since. I’ve cried for all of my ttc failures, all of the feelings of inadequacy, loss and mourning that I carried with him for so long. Many of those feelings are behind me now, though I do sometimes feel a jolt in my gut when I hear that someone’s pregnant.; or when someone extols on the wonders of breastfeeding, but the difference is that that punched in the gut feeling passes much quickly now.   Like a flash, I remember that I’m Jay’s mom and it’s okay. What a relief.

I’ve also cried about the fact that baby Jay is the perfect little soul. We adore him beyond measure. His smile, laughter, and playful eyes are such an incredibly blessing. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world because I’m his mom.

When we first brought him home many people said that he was lucky to have been adopted by such a wonderful couple because we saved him from “his life circumstances”  but the fact of the matter is that we are the lucky ones. I’m so lucky to be his mom. He saved me from the depths of the despair and filled my life with boundless hope and joy. I am so incredibly blessed.

 I also cried on Christmas morning because it was just a perfect moment to punctuate a perfect year—the year we became Jay’s parents.

His first Christmas was absolutely perfect. We opted not to go anywhere, not to visit with family and to stay home and enjoy our time together as family. This was the first Christmas with our son, something that I had been dreaming about for years. It also marked one the last moments of my parental leave, which also made the time precious.  So, we bought a little tree (because we were afraid that Jay would pull  down a  large tree), which was perfect, ordained with lots of penguins, which is the theme for Jay’s room, and for our family.

And, just yesterday, I cried about the fact that I have to go back to work on Monday. When I started my leave in September, I thought that four months of parental leave was the equivalent of forever. Now, it’s essentially over. I can’t believe it. I’ve had such an amazing time–from the play dates, to the mommy- and- me- classes, to his first Halloween, to the wonderful milestones every single day, to that forever young look in his eyes, to his first tooth at Thanksgiving–and I’m so nervous about leaving him with a baby sitter.  I keep thinking, “Will he even remember me when I get home in the evening? Will he grow to prefer her to me? Will he think I abandoned him?”

I would love to stay home with him, at least part-time, but I don’t know if that’s feasible.  Nadia and I have to talk more about that. For all of you women out there who’ve gone back to work, how they hell do you do it? Please advise.

Anyhoo, if I don’t have a chance to post again before midnight, I want to wish you a wonderful New Year. I know that many of you didn’t have wishes come true this year and please know that I understand how difficult that can be. All I can say is, tomorrow is another day, actually another year—2011—and I hope that with a new year comes new   beginnings, new insights, and new opportunities for growth and fulfillment.

We have our finalization date!

We will meet with the judge to finalize Baby Jay’s adoption, witnessed by family and friends, on Wednesday, December 15th. We are thrilled to pieces; we can hardly contain ourselves.

Of course, I will blog all about it.

In other news, Baby Jay has his first tooth. It is a lower middle tooth and it popped out just in time for Thanksgiving!  He didn’t really fuss or cry too much but, of course, there was a lot of drooling. He didn’t have turkey for Thanksgiving, but he sure will have a taste on Christmas day.

So we got two early Christmas gifts. Keep ‘em coming!

Today is Baby Jay’s six month anniversary. I can’t believe it.

Baby Jay loves to dance, and by dancing I mean that he loves to hop up and down (with assistance, of course) to the rhythm of a good beat. Among of his favorites are MJ’s Thriller and Baby Loves Jazz.

In addition to hopping, he has started to scoot on his belly-backwards–like a squid–which I’ve heard is a precursor to crawling. It’s very cute, and I’m not just saying that because I’m his Mama.

He also loves to eat.  In addition to his baby formula, he eats pureed carrots, squash, and peas. Yummy! After our doctor’s visit next week, we may introduce the sippy cup. Can you believe it?

All in all, my parental leave has been wonderful and I am dreading the day that I have to go back to work in early January, but I still have some time before I really need to deal with that, so I will put that post off until another day.

Baby Jay is still not technically “ours”. We have all of our paperwork into the court,  and our adoption agency has done their part, but we are still waiting for a court day. Until then, he is still technically, a ward of our adoption agency; they are still legally responsible for him. My lawyer thinks that the court may be able to schedule us by the end of the year, but today is November 17th,  and I’m starting to think that our ”end of the year finalization chances” are a little slim. As many of you know, I do believe in miracles, and it would be great to finalize before Baby Jay’s first Christmas, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

Obviously,  I would like to finalize as soon as possible. I have  my reasons. First and foremost, I crave the emotional relief of knowing that Baby Jay is truly ours in the eyes of the court.  It would be such a relief, so comforting, really a dream come true. Also, I would love to be able to file for the adoption tax credit next year. That refund check will definitely come in handy.

Lastly, I look forward to the day, when I will no longer have to schedule visits with our social workers. My wife is a social worker so, of course, I love social workers, but these visits are exhausting and a bit awkward, to say the least. After six months, it’s hard to submit an check up from a third party evaluator, no matter who ‘nice’ they are. Intellectually, I know that the court requires us to be monitored but, emotionally, it feels a little invasive. I don’t know how people deal with it.

Anyway, I guess dealing with these visits are a small price to pay for my precious prince, Baby Jay!

Happy Halloween! 

I can’t believe that Halloween is here. It’s only been two months since I’ve been on parental leave and the time is flying by. Jay and I are busy, busy, busy spending lots of quality time alone together, taking “Mommy and Me” classes  and making friends with other moms and babes.

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I love planning a playdate, and Jay seems to enjoy them,–well as much as he can as a 5.5 month old.

Recently, I planned a Halloween playdate party for him and some of his “closest friends”, all of whom were pretty close to him in age. I really wanted to start early on this Halloween tradition because I am very leary about him trick or treating and eating all of that candy. I’m thrilled that this Halloween had an organic influence.

One of the unique things about this party is that it was sponsored by Earth’s Best, you know the organic baby food company. Fortunately for me, I connected with one of their reps at the BlogHer ‘10 conference, which was held here in the Big Apple this August.

I”m happy that I braved the exhibit hall and pushed through my initial shyness. At the conference, I signed up to host a playdate party, even though I wasn’t sure what it all meant.

In the meantime, I learned about the Similiac recall and discovered that Baby Jay had been exposed to the contaminated powered formula, which may explain why my calm, lovely son, suddenly became cranky and moody after I switched from Similiac’s liquid formula to their powered product. Thankfully, after I noticed a change in his demeanor I switched back to the liquid because, afterall, this is what he was fed at the hospital.

But more recently, after finding a bug in the liquid formula, I switched brands completely and now I exclusively feed him Earth’s Best Organic Infant Formula. And he  likes it.

But I digress…

Anyhoo, the Halloween party was great because not only did we have story time, baby playing stations, and cupcakes but we also had Earth’s Best giveaways for all of Jay’s friends. Everyone seemed to have a good time and I’ve got the pictures to prove it.

Okay, so how are you spending your Halloween?

Yes, I’ve finally changed the name of my blog.

Every since little Baby Jay came into our lives I have been thinking about what to rename this blog. It’s been tough because “The Egg Drop Post” has served me well and I have some many fond memories associated with that name; but truth be told, I also have many painful memories associated with it too. It’s time to move on. I’m happy to leave the reference to my biology behind me and to embrace a new name that embraces my new family structure.

So I’m dropping ”The Egg Drop Post”  and I’m embarking on a whole new two-mom family adventure under my new blog name, “Mommies Here!” Originally, my goal was to have a big web launch but I’ve learned (happily learned) that time is limited when you have a five month old. Consider this a soft launch. For now, the URL will stay the same, and I will tweak the look and feel of the blog as time allows.

I hope you like it.

And I hope you will continue tuning in.

I am so incredibly pissed about the recent formula recall. I feel frustrated, angry, and helpless because as an adoptive mom, I have no option but to give Baby Jay formula.

During Baby Jay’s month with us, we fed him liquid pre-mixed baby formula because it was ‘easier’. Then after a month, we switched to powered formula, Sim.i.lac. powered formual. A few days later, Baby Jay became very grumpy and cranky and we gave him “gripe water” to calm him down.

Because of his reaction, we decided to go back to the pre-mixed liquid formula  and, eventually, Baby Jay calmed down. At the time, I though it was developmental; many babies become ‘colicy’ during the ’fourth trimester’ or during their first three months out of the womb.

 Since then the powered formula has been sitting on my shelf because I was thinking we could return to it at a later date; afterall it is much, much cheaper.But I just checked the lot number and learned that my formula powder is contaminated.

And I’m pissed.

Yes, he only had it for a few days, but I am livid about the fact that he was exposed to it at all.Yes, we will get a full refund, but I could care less about the money at this point.

And to top it all off,I found a bug in my liquid formula. I have called the FDA and they have opened up a case. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, we are switching formulas.  

Ugh.

So, I have been on parental leave for about a month now, and I’ve been loving every minute of it. Unfortunately stay at home momdom, doesn’t leave a time of time for blogging.

 I really think that I missed my calling as  a SAHM but, unfortunately, yours truely will be going back to work in January, which means that I am developing a “nanny care plan” as we speak–but more on that in another post.

There are so many milestones to mention, including that fact that Baby Jay can now sleep  from 9 PM until 4AM, roll onto his side, and simulate flying high during tummy time with a huge toothless grin.  

The other ‘milestone’ I guess, if you want to call it that, is that he drools absolutely all of the time. Can you say “teething”? Well, apparently, my doctor doesn’t seem to think he’s teething yet but, at the same time, she can’t explain all of the drool. Hmmmmmmmm…..

Anyhoo, Nadia and I fall deeper and deeper in love with Baby Jay every day.

I am enjoying every second of my 4 month parental leave, which began last week, but I am dropping by to remind all of you to watch Off and Running, a film I reviewed about an African-American girl  adopted by Jewish lesbians. The film airs tonight on PBS.

If you don’t get to see it tonight, you can watch it online until December 7, 2010 at pbs.org.

Okay, more to come later this week.