siliconsara's BLARGH!

1:07AM - A small boost of confidence

Today was interesting. I got up like I usually did, but this time my mother came over to help me pay some bills as well as do some paper work. It was a little stressful because she was freaking out over nothing, and then I freak out because she's freaking out and yelling at me ...but I made it through the day in one piece. I got some more things from the store as well, mostly to stock up for thanksgiving. But, when I got home, my case worker called me and asked if I wanted to go out to eat, and of course I said yes. Was a surprise that I ended up putting my keys and coat back on right after my mother left to go out to eat. It was good to get a hold of my case worker because we finally were able to set up a time where I go back to Day Treatment to find other options for me. I haven't been to Day Treatment in almost two weeks. The place is stressful and I feel that I don't belong there...not to mention that I have to dodge that asshole psychiatrist. But things are looking up now.

With that extra feel-good inside of me, I started to get the drawing itch so I decided to head over to some oekaki board to start drawing. I decided to start small since it's been a while since I've drawn any full pictures, so I choose a portrait of Onihoshi. I had a hankering for finally putting the "update" down onto something. It's been a while since I had drawn him, and my style has changed so much since then. Speaking of that, the books that I got from that last torrent have been helping me a lot, and I have been experimenting with different eyes. I love how Onihoshi's turned out so far...they look real but they still have style and character to them. I'm trying to rid myself of the "animu" look. It's not something to keep drawing, and art schools are not very fond of it either. In fact, dare I say it, it's a bit cliche now that Japanese anime is technically "mainstream", and I am trying to distance myself away from that and just do eyes and other features the way *I* want to do them. Anywho, I liked the pic so much that I took a screenshot of what I had and ported it to Open Canvas to give it a good treatment. Hopefully I will have this pic done in a day or two and finally be able to update my devART account with something new.

ttfn~

3:39AM - ARRGHH!

I am so mad right now. I started working on a simple needle roll and when I was purling, a whole mess of stitches flew off the needle like they wanted to GTFO. They flattened out so I couldn't pull a quick save and thread them back on the needle. Needless to say, I got mad and decided to frog what I already had finished. Here's my deceased needle roll before I frogged it and here's a closeup of the stitches. The stockinette stitching was perfect. I guess the only good thing to come of this was that I realized I wouldn't have enough of the same yarn to complete the project. But I've got a full skien of something else that might do the trick.

In other news, I've been using stickam to drag people from PBBS so we can all chat. It's fun to be able to see people and to let people see you. I've been pushing the idea of a "movie night" where we all pile into my stickam window while I run a movie. Hopefully enough people will be interested, and be able to settle on a time and date. Curse you time zones!

I also aquired (*coughcoughtorrentcough*) some more drawing books, a few more on life drawing, some on landscapes, some on animals, and pencil techniques...and my favorite, one on facial emotions. Gah, I have to say, there's more to facial emotions than smiling or frowning. But I feel more confident with this book with me.

ttfn~

10:54PM - I'm still here

...In one form or another.

Most of my days have been boring and depressive, hence the lack of updates to this thing. Despite my pessimistic attitude I seem to be projecting right now, a lot of good things have happened:

1. My mother has come to her senses, and now she has decided to nip her gambling problem in the butt by moving away from Tom. The only reason she gambles is to keep away from things that stress her, hence, Tom. She's moving to Tonawanda in Buffalo and she wants me to go with her. I'm all for it because then that means 1. more doctors, 2. more options, 3. more everything. And that means I can move into a high-rise 120 unit building where no one gossips and talks to each other due to the size of the community. Slightly bad part is that I would have to put off school for another year, but I think it's worth it. Moving wouldn't happen until next winter anyway; the waiting list is a year wait.


2. I got FOOD. I was literally out of food. I am not exaggerating. My fridge was empty except for ketchup, mayo, mustard, salad dressing and soy sauce. All I had in my pantry was grits, oil, flour and other baking supplies that don't go together and you can't eat alone. I can say that I know what it's like to have zero food and no money to at least buy a sandwich from some corner store. But I got my month's SSI money in and my mom took me to the store to get something to hold me over until we can do a "heavy duty" food shopping. I want to say that it's not because I am overeating. It's because I don't have the money to buy the right foods that are suppose to fill you. Junk food and microwave food is not filling, amirite?


3. Predaphiles is growing. I am surprised because the forum isn't advertised in a lot of places. I adverted on my devart account, signatures on the other forums, and I know Minda put a link in her aff profile, but thats about it. But in either case, I'm happy that more people of like mind are joining up.

Halloween wasn't Halloween for me. My mother promised to visit me and spend the night and carve pumpkins with me, but jolted out at the last minute because "she had an ear infection". I didn't believe her at first since it seemed suspicious that out of all times and she gets an ear infection, but we made up from our phone fight and everything is back to normal.

And I keep dodging my psychiatrist. My mother wants me to make an appointment, but I either chicken out or forget to. I know I need to be back on mental meds, and my sanity is suffering because of it, but I don't know if I can face the jackass.

And I have new smilies, Semagic's autoreplace is awesome.

ttfn~

11:12PM - Your average mediocre journal entry

I have discovered that deviantART can be pretty addicting if you know exactly what you are looking for, and have a grasp of using the new search system they have set up. There's a crapload of tutorials, useful tutorials that are set up great, on devart on a multitude of subjects. I found some great openCanvas tutorials, and also some pictures that were made in oC that are perfect to dissect and learn from now that I know what most artists do to color in oC. Theres also some great stock photography to be had as well (although it takes a while to sift through some of the crap, some if it is less than useful, and some of it is just plain pornography). Even just surfing for art on certain subjects is made easier. Heh, I sound like such an advertisement. I used to despise devART since they crippled the site so much for non-paying members, but it seems they shaped up a bit, and also made clear on their TOS as well.

I've also been listening to a lot of 80's music. I grew up with it. It just feels so campy sometimes; I tend to like that feeling, hehe. That, and it's kinda neat to hear the humble beginnings of electronic music. I'm a sucker for synthesizers, guitars and sweet, sweet sax.

I'm in a depressing art-rut right now and I hate it. I have grown to a really bad habit and way of thinking that my drawings will turn to crap, and thus I set up myself to fail even before I pick up the pencil/tablet pen. I've got great ideas floating around in the ol' noggin...it's that very difficult task of trying to get these images in my head onto paper/screen, and it's just so frustrating when I see them clearly in my mind, but on paper it's a sight that makes you set fire to the paper while the mind screams "DO NOT WANT". As much as people say that drawing a lot is great practice, it's probably also a good idea to try and condition yourself to not think so negatively about any doodles that you make. While others (unfortunately like I am right now) see them as mistakes, true artists see them as just progress. Some of the best mistakes can be seen as a masterpiece. ;P

7:27PM - Bleh

I've neglected this thing. In truth, there wasn't much going on with my life. The past few days have been hell; I've been nothing but meat with eyes. My sleeping is out of whack and I feel so tired, but I also feel agitated and awake. So much awake that I just finished giving the apartment a full "fall cleaning". Kitchen, bathroom, dusting, sweeping, ectect...

I feel very empty, but I am trying to get back on my two feet and live again.

And my mother started gambling again. I wouldn't mind as much as I do now, but she promised that she would do my laundry so I can save 10 dollars each month, and the laundry is starting to pile up, and it's giving me a headache. I hope she calls me tonight.

And having to lock down the Predaphiles board has been giving me the blues as well. As much as I don't want to do it, I had to for reasons not to be disclosed to the public. The people who matter to me the most know or will know sooner or later.

ttfn

11:46PM - Rainy Day Out

Today had taken a turn for the better. My case manager was able to fit me into her schedule to take me to Geneseo to pick up my new glasses. This new pair feels weird...a bit heavy actually. I think it's my new lenses, they are thick like a cut of fillet mignon. By the time I'm 40, I will be wearing coke bottles. =\

While waiting for the office to get back from their lunch, we went to a small Chinese place for our own lunch. I thought my orange chicken was good, but I guess my case manager didn't agree in terms of her shrimp dish; she said she had better elsewhere.

She then took me to Payless when I told her I didn't have boots for the incoming snow. I picked out this pair of black boots with a pink lining, which I have a small love for. I haven't had a pair of boots this remotely nice since I lived in Montana at around 1998. I kinda felt bad that I was bought lunch, bought new boots and getting a ride to here in the first place. I guess I'm not used to doing such things. Ahh, the wonders of having extra money to throw around. XD

And as a small extra note, I'm sorry that I haven't been on MSN lately. I'm taking a sort of internet breather for the past few days to collect my head. It's not anybodies fault or anything like that, but next month is around the corner and that means that I will probably get back on MSN around that time once I set up the proposed wiki.

Also, the predaphiles.hunt.cc redirect seems to be down. Just use siliconsara.com/pbbs for now. Once it reaches the first of the month, the new domain name is the first thing on my monthly shopping list.

ttfn

EDIT: I seem to have been locked out of yautja_theide's journal since I'm not on his flist. =\ Don't want a good reply to go to waste, so here it is in case if he ever sees it for this entry. =)

I think thats one of the reasons I am reluctant to participate in roleplaying that involves lots of fighting. While my last RP excursion involved one of my old female Yautja characters and someone's Xeno character on a MU*, there was a strong and stressful sense of making sure that I wasn't god modding. The other characters in the area actually went OOC to actually tell me and my opponent that we were better than the AVP movie, which was a very nice indication that my worryness over god modding proved to be fruitful. But I don't want to feel like that every time I roleplay. It sucked all the fun out of it.

I guess what I am trying to say is that theres going to be players who don't care about a character's history. They just care about "the now" and how it affects them. While some people think your character is justified in his poweress, you are also going to get people who think such a history is "jack shit" and thinks you are god modding. It's hard to cater to all players you come across, and trying to cater to everyone brings the fun out of RPing (to me anyway).

I guess you can ignore those who bite their thumb at you. It's worked for me most of the time, heh.

Also, sorry for not introducing myself. The name is Sara. You might know me from the Predaphiles BBS and the avp subtext devART community. Hello! =)

9:28AM - Waited for a ride that was never there

Seems the bus company forgot about me. I waited a half an hour before calling it quits and running back inside before getting drenched. It's raining cats and dogs and I have been lethargic and tired to even go to outpatient today. I guess I'm gonna sneak past this and go tomorrow instead.

I have been going nuts on trying to find reference pictures of the human body for artistic purposes. I think that's one of the main reasons I haven't drawn anything lately that's from my own imagination. I do have one of those cheap drawing mannequins, but nothing beats a picture with the muscles, skin and shading already out there for you to use as a guide. If anyone has links, please share!~

And aff seems to be back up, so I would like to announce my personal "cream of the crop" in terms of updates and new stories for the Predator section: (All of these are NSFW)

1. More Possibilities - I love this story. It's so poetically raunchy that I just can't help but love it to pieces. Updated to chapter 4...and it seems there's a new couple added to the mix.


2. Imperfect Balance - Here's a new one-shot by Minda. It's M/M slash between a human/yautja hybrid and a full blooded yautja. If you like that kinda stuff when "in the mood" or just all the time, then please give it a looksie. It's been shoved down the list like an unwanted child, and I am just announcing it here so it gets a little bit more air time. =D


3. .:Divine:. - Updated and completed. The ending is unexpecting...for everyone else that is, hehe. I knew the ending before Minda wrote it, but I didn't want to spoil it for anybody.

Other small notables are Minda's completed new version with rewrites and edits to A Meeting of Hunters and shortest_warrior's torture fic My Savior, My Elder, My ..... that's almost being kicked off the front page, but deserves a mention for the sheer determination and hard work of the author, despite any grammatical setbacks.

3:46AM - 3 AM! Whoo!

Probably not a good time to be awake; especially since I have to get ready to go to outpatient at 6:30. I just can't get to sleep. Sleep patterns are out of whack again.

For those who occasionally visit, you might notice the layout change. The last one I found had a problem in IE (again) so a change was in order. I decided to use the Magazine base and tinker with it via copying and pasting of overrides from various sources. I like it, and it works in IE, so I'm happy.

Speaking of IE, I had the urge to prematurely upgrade to IE 7, but decided against it. My days of beta testing browsers are over thanks to the Opera 9 beta problems I had in the past. FireFox is really getting on my nerves as well. It's slow and some pages do not work, like google video for example.

In the meantime I have been going apeshit on deviantART's new search features. And they also allow you to save RSS feeds of your searches, so now I get my tutorial and predator deviations in ThunderBird along with my email. I did check out the photoshop tutorial section, and I think I got a mental metaphoric hemorrhage from all of the different options and ways of going about digitally painting in photoshop. I think I will stick with openCanvas for now and leave photoshop for touchups and ink jobs. (I can't diss photoshop's pen tool; it's niiiice.)

And running along with openCanvas; once I get some sketches to finalize and color, I will be inviting people for a network session so people can give input and just watch for the fun of it. I've had good experiences with openCanvas networking so I am more than willing to start it up again.

Now I want to spread the good word on my idea of opening a Predator-only wiki. The way that Yautja/Predator info is being treated on wikipedia as well as the differences in theories and actual canon info are a few of my basic drives for doing this. I just hope it catches on, but I don't want to be host to wikiwars of any kind. The main point I wish to stress is letting everyone know that everyone's opinions and ideas are neither wrong or right, but they need to be labeled properly as either canon, secondary canon, fanon or just obscure theories. As Shalimar said, this will allow all Pred info to be centralized for artists, writers, new fans and old fans alike to learn more and contribute. I will probably set it up once I buy the domain name for the place.

I would link to some of my favorite aff Pred stories that have been updated, but it seems that aff is having some technical problems, meh. =\

ttfn~

10:00PM - Almost There

I am right over the last hump of my cold. That part where all that's left is a slightly stuffy nose with some throat gunk and the occasional "hack out ya lungs" cough. I did go to the doctor and got some antibiotics, but I felt that I would be wasting them since my body had already started to heal on its own. I know I shouldn't do this, but I think I am going to keep the meds for when I catch another cold. Maybe this time I can start with a fighting chance, ya know?

I've been doodling in my sketchbook, but it's nothing to write home about. I'm mostly glancing at artistic anatomy pictures and drawing them by observation. The main point is to get used to the feel of drawing bodies in a certain way. Seems to be working so far, because everyone that saw me at outpatient today kept wanting to look in my sketchbook and liked what they saw. I got the most "wows" when they flipped to that page of the Ohibi stuff. *self-esteem boost*

I hope everyone else is doing okay. My friends list seems to have a few not-so-great entries. All I can say is hang in there and do what feels right to you, even if the designated path isn't so great.

Well, back to the grind. =D

6:08PM - Chillin' wit the Sickness

It seems like a lot of people I know are getting sick, both online and off. There's gotta be a new Fall bug going around...and I caught it. My throat has been on fire since Saturday and just today I started getting the phlegm and sniffling nose. Ever been so lethargic and achy that someone could tie you in ropes and hang you from the ceiling like some morbid puppet and your body will be able to be lanky enough to perform Pinocchio? yeah, I've got that right now...but I think my conscience has forced me to write something here since I haven't touched this journal in a while.

In other news, I am trying something that grand_sealink told me about a month ago, and that's freezing large amounts of food for dinners and the like. Yesterday mums came over and helped me cook a full pot of chili and a pan of baked spaghetti. I still have yet to package the spaghetti because of this crappy cold. Gotta work up the energy to do that. =\

ttfn

10:02PM - Gettin' knitty and ficcy wit it

The last few days have been a somewhat "numbing" blur. My Pred infatuation has dried up. Not like I don't like them anymore...waaay far from it. I sometimes crank up the movies and listen to the AVP soundtrack and I am cuddling all over my Pred love all over again. I think it's just the absence of being able to talk about it on message boards and such. Without that, I feel that theres nothing left to explore with friends. I think this would be a nice time to finally start writing that fic I have always been mentioning. Speaking of that, yincira drew an absolutely wonderful picture of Ohibi and Nastasia. That was a big eye opener and it did spark a new interest in reading and writing fics. It's nice to see my characters from my mind be seen with my eyes. With that, I've been compiling all my notes and brain droppings together and in the planning stages of creating a sort of "road map" so I don't fall over on my face if I come to a writer's block.

In other news, I've been progressing well with the knitting practice. An interesting note is that my mother took me shopping yesterday and she mentioned going to Wal-Mart's craft section to get knitting supplies. I thought she was going to use my money so I softly protested saying "that will cost too much!" but she took me to the craft section and got me the supplies I needed and even asked me what skeins I wanted. I shushed her saying that I am still practicing, so I got a few cheap skeins to continue that. When we got up to the cash register, she pulled out money from her pocket to pay, and I immediately said my thanks when we left the store. We also met up with one of my hall neighbors and my mother proudly stated that I am learning how to knit. Something is telling me strongly that shes happy that I am learning how to knit. I don't know if it's for her own personal gain of me making stuff for her (which I don't mind at all) or if she wants me to start selling finished objects when I start cranking out some actual knitting objects.

I wish I could start a knitting group for this area, or maybe create an online community to do special knit-alongs. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but it's a small dream.

EDIT: Someone pointed out something that didn't make sense. The main reason my message board attendance is so low is because I have talked all there seems to be about Predators. Right now I am trying to come up with some meaningful subjects to speak about.

1:27PM - Transition Period

Lots of changes these past few days...

My first and foremost one was giving Christine to an animal shelter yesterday morning. She bit me the day before yesterday again, and I knew right then and there that I could no longer keep her here with me. I tried my best to train her and also pamper her to bits, but it wasn't enough. I was so upset, that I had to leave in the middle of group at the outpatient center. I just hope I did the right thing. I know I won't be getting a new pet anytime soon.

Second change is the more structured days I have been having now that I am at that outpatient center. It feels weird to be going out and doing things now. I am just taking everything one step at a time.

Another change is my mother's new car. She got a 2006 black Aveo. She also told me that she is going to try and get me my own Aveo by next fall. But, I am definitely not getting my hopes up.

I also have a new case manager. It's basically a person that helps you with ever facet of your life. This includes helping teach social skills and normal everyday skills. They are also a friend, and it's not uncommon to go out to dinner or lunch with a case manager. Shes really nice to me, and I know that she will help me out in the long run.

And a special thanks to Minda for showing me this list of online Penn and Teller BULLSHIT episodes. I didn't know this program existed until now, and I have been having a blast watching them. Finally, someone with the balls to call people on their bullshit. I'm surprised that George Carlin hasn't made a guest appearance; seeing as he is sort of the father of calling on someones bullshit.

I may act a bit indifferent for a few more days, or just lethargic and depressed. It will pass; I am just trying to fight it.

ttfn

9:07PM - Random Journal Entry

Well, the problems with the server troubles are now over, with a special thanks to ardath_rekha and shalimar79 for offering some space on their reseller account. For now, I am using my domain name siliconsara.com to provide an address instead of using the IP number. That should change next month at the earliest when I buy a domain name just for the forum. The forum activity is a bit slow, but I'm not complaining. I keep trying to come up with some nice topics to cover eventually when I think of them.

My knitting ideas are making me anxious. I had the local library put a few popular knitting books on hold; most notably, the Stitch n' Bitch book series. I've also got my huge Vogue Knitting book I got a while back from one of the Buffalo, NY library closing sales. I will most likely start out with making some 4 inch swatches to see how I like the idea of knitting, and if I can determine the gauge correctly.

I feel a bit weird, because about 99% of the forum fixing is now complete. All that is left is just fixing mistakes I didn't notice, which isn't a lot at this point in time. I also dug for a new LJ layout and found one that works in IE, so I am happy about that. Now, I really don't have much to do except knit (if I intend to go further with that) and drawing and doing more colored pencil practice.

5:10PM - I wish 10GB.org had balls, so I have something to grab and twist.

I am so upset right now that 10GB.org is STILL FUCKING DOWN. I keep checking it every 15 minutes to an hour and it still won't load up the forum or even their own homepage. I got into Cpanel to backup the database and it says the server resources are exhausted, so I can't even get to the forum database to back it up. Here's the specific error; maybe some more advanced website nerds can tell me what this means:

44

The backup I have right now is a few days old, so some posts would be lost if 10GB never gets back up and I then have to find a new host.

In other news, I got my schedule for that outpatient center I have been somewhat speaking of on the last few days. Most of my groups are part of DBT and the rest is just some Occupational Therapy which is mostly a "learn a new hobby" group. They offer help on knitting and other hobbies as such so I might try to get back into knitting and get some actual help on it this time. I also found a web app that spits out patterns for knitting and cross-stitch from images you upload to it. Predator sweater and messenger bag, here I come! Oh! Can't forget a nice black and red Lordi sweater to curl up to as well. X-) ...Yes, I'm obsessed, and loving every bit of it.

The coloring book/colored pencil study is really showing my faults, and for that I am glad, so I can work on how to be better and with only student pencils instead of those soft waxy and highly expensive prismacolors. I know that I am making my tones more linear than non-linear and I need to stop pressing down so much. I've already thrown away two pictures because I didn't lay down my first layers of color correctly. More practice will eventually make perfect.

5:00PM - The bandwidth tubes are revolting! Also, tagged.

...Because I can't load up PBBS or the main hosting site at all. I just hope this is a temporary funk and it will go back up. Chances of my luck that they are down for maintenance to put up some stupid ads for all sites hosted on there. I DO have a link to 10GB.org in the footer of the forum. If they want to put ads on there then fine, but they better be tactful and tasteful and have meaning unlike funpic.org's new ad system.

I really want to practice with using colored pencils without having to draw any lines. So, I was thinking "coloring books!" and then "Rainbow Brite, cuz she's all colorful and stuff!"...which then led me to this site that offers coloring book pages from old Rainbow Brite coloring and activity books. Perfect! I might scrounge around on google to see if I can find any Super Mario coloring book pages, because I remember as a child the stack of Super Mario activity and coloring books I had. Ahh, memories. ~

( Quotes of my current life meme )

10:45PM - Break Time!

The new look for the Pred board is coming along nicely. All I need now to worry myself over is the various icons of the board and the styling of the form elements. I think I'm done working on it for the night; I have to go back to that outpatient treatment center tomorrow to figure out my schedule.

Christine bit me hard last night, and the sink that I ran to started to look like I slashed my wrists. I didn't know so much blood can come out of such a tiny wound! I think there's a lot of reasons she bit me, so I am not upset at her. She uses her new hammock for food storage and I was petting her while she was laying down on it, so she might of thought I wanted to steal her food, heh. That, and she's probably cranky that she doesn't have anyone of her species as a cage companion. I am thinking of buying her a companion next payday.

I saw the TV promo for the remake of Miami Vice and heard Phil Collin's In The Air Tonight sung by a alternative rock band. The cover was originally for some movie called Coach Carter, but since the song was used in Miami Vice, I guess they decided to gank it from the other movie. I love the original and the extended version, but this rock version seems a bit skewed in some places. Rock guitars and hard drums are awesome for this song, but to me some of the elements feel out of place and they stick out like a sore thumb. Here's a link to download it if you want to listen for yourself.

I've also been playing a lot of Lordi tracks, too. I really need to draw Kita sometime. I am itching for it!

3:24PM - Layout Finished (?)

I think I caught everything in the style sheet I downloaded and now it am slightly happy.The last layout was getting on my nerves because I really don't like using the Generator template with the section boxes. I like everything to be contained into one main mass. That and it gave me an excuse to take a break from working on the forum. All I have left to do is to fix and/or replace some of the icons used that seem more appropriate to the base theme. I also requested Predator/AVP/Subtext black and white pictures so I can rotate them in the header. Just something I thought of to make the site more cozy, and of course...dynamic.

The new layout works in all modern browsers, except IE. IE cuts half the title off, and it doesn't put that space below the container which does show up in other browsers. But, I am not going to sweat these details because Microsoft has released a beta version of IE7, and I assume that this version will have a lot of CSS updates to it.

As for the rat pups, I took them back to the pet store about a few days before I was hospitalized. I have to give all of them back because they were an all-male litter. I feel bad for Christine since now she doesn't have another ratty to play with. I am thinking of buying a companion for her during the next month.

I want to call Minda, but for some reason I just feel weird talking on the phone. It's not that I don't want to talk to her, but as I said, my lips are moving faster than my brain, and speaking has become a bit of an embarrassing situation, when I say things that are the total opposite of what I wanted to say. Might be coming down with some Freudian Slip Syndrome or something, hehe. ^.^

8:22PM - Small Update

I'm going to try to not be verbose this time, heh. Right now I am fiddling with the Predaphiles board on its new webhost. The old host now decided to use ugly javascript floating ads. I am no