Book Report: Pendulous Breasts Quarterly, A Literary Magazine For The Discerning Breasts Enthusiast
An open letter to the editor(s) of Pendulous Breasts Quarterly.
Dear Madams,
Oh yes, make no mistake; I do say “Madams,” for you are unfit for the term of “Sirs,” you low-heeled sons of nipples. How droll you must think yourselves, in your New York ivory towers. How vague and wondrous.
I loathe you!
And no, I will not “throw” my “face” in the “garbage,” as you suggest. Obviously I, as a gentleman of some repute, mostly tolerable hygiene, and very fine boudoir-related comportment have underlings to handle the garbage, not to mention my face.
Cock-spurs! You jack-legged uvula-peened clavicle hammers! Shit a monkey off your uncle’s garage and elect it Viceroy! I will read your book in the Devil’s own lap and tap his fiery yambag for emphasis.
Yours (not really),
James C. Hodgson, Jr
Poste Scripte: I seek an officer’s commission on your Frog Team.
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Nerd Fitness — Beginner’s Guide to Biking
My friend Steve Kamb of Nerdfitness.com asked me to write a beginner’s guide to biking for him. Thanks, Steve!
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Why You Should Buy Louis CK’s New Thing
Louis CK is a hilarious Talking Man, but he’s more than that; better than that. He’s a Talking Man who isn’t lying. He makes no bones about the fact that he wants to get paid for making up bullshit. That’s refreshing to me. God knows how many bullshitters we’re paying every day who claim to provide some other tangible service. Those men and women are frauds. Louis CK is not.
No, Louis CK is not a fraud, and he has a new thing. You should buy it.
Better than that, Louis CK is trying a new means of communication against the best advice of people in his life. He’s trying to sell content directly to us, the consumers. This is great news.
It’s great news for anyone who:
- Thinks ads are annoying, pushy, and cacophonous, on top of occasionally being disingenuous when they’re not outright lies.
- Thinks censorship is wrong.
- Thinks artists should have complete creative control over their work.
- Is tired of Hollywood’s bullshit, TV’s bullshit, etc.
By cutting out the content distributors and middlemen, Louis CK is delivering hilarious entertainment directly to us. This is how it should be done. This is the way forward.
Buy his new thing.
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Choking in the Chick-Fil-A? Give 5 Back Blows
I’ve always been a fan of informational signs that include people getting harmed. You know, like the one at your apartment complex that shows the dude getting squished by the gate? Or the one on the arm of the thing that stops you from driving your car out of the parking deck at work showing a dude being beaned in the head by the very same arm? My favorite is the one where the giant angry shock cloud is totally zapping the shit out of some hapless dude.
I was reminded of those when I spotted The included image in the Thornton Road Chick Fil A yesterday.
Here’s what those numbered points say:
- If the victim is choking, call 911. Let the victim know you are going to help them.
- Give 5 back blows.
- Make a fist with your hand and place your (blurry words here about fisting)
- Grip your fist with your other hand and press into the victim [sic] abdomen with 5 quick inward and upward thrusts
- Repeat until object is dislodged
Hey, I’m going to help you, but first I’m going to make a quick phone call. Don’t worry, you’ll pass out long before the ambulance can get here.
Seems to me like this is something that should happen at the end as a means of thanking the person who just saved your life, but I am not a doctor or anything.
I’m realizing here that no mention has been made of Dr. Henry Heimlich. What ever happened to him and his maneuver?
If you should happen to graze victim jiggling breasts in the process, do not make a big deal out of it. Just file it away for later.
Or until you reach completion, whoever comes last.
I saw one of my teachers choking once in high school. A classmate of mine performed the Heimlich, a piece of potato came rocketing out, and pretty much everyone was embarrassed.
Not sure if there were any back blows, but I don’t really want to know anyway.
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Three Fake News Articles, and a Short Sketch About Vacuums
I texted an idea for a fake news story that I had to Nick, and he responded a few hours later.
“What is wrong with you?” he asked, so I figured it had potential and wrote it out.
I remember watching a History Channel show about prison life in which a former prison hit man is talking about having to store his stabbing weapon up his backside. He referred to it as a “keister stash.” It’s kind of a terrible juxtaposition, you know, since being a hitman might be the most manly thing a man can be, while getting penetrated anally is arguably the least. You could see the conflict in the man’s face on the television.
That got me thinking about how uncomfortable it must be physically to carry a knife that way, and then I started thinking pragmatically about what a person might do to ease the discomfort.
And so, the idea of the dildo-handled shank was born. Here’s the full article:
“Prison Hitman Ostracized for Fashioning Dildo Handled Shank”
I’m also in the process of moving to an emerging neighborhood, which got me thinking: what must it be like to have a smartass move into your neighborhood and have the gall to refer to it as “emerging.” What a smug prick!
So, I wrote an article about that very thing:
“Emerging Neighborhood Emerging Too Slowly, Reports Homeowner/Victim”
And I was also tricked into watching Grey’s Anatomy by Cheryl, though I did get dinner out of the deal. That got me thinking about what other sorts of deception someone else’s Cheryl might engage in to get them to watch Grey’s, so I wrote an article along those lines as well.
It is here:
“Grey’s Anatomy Treachery Suspected”
I’m still working on my novel project, although I haven’t had a lot of time to get into it over the holidays, what with the eating and the drinking and the moving. December should be a strong month, ideally.
I also had an idea for a story today. It goes like this.
Two vacuums who are both standup comedians by trade are talking. The older, more established one is mentoring the younger newcomer.
“Listen,” the older vacuum says. “You’ve got to get the change jokes out of your act. Everyone does jokes about change. We’ve heard it all before. When you’re run over change it makes a lot of noise and just falls out again. We get it. That’s hack shit.”
The younger vacuum is hurt but tries not to show it. “Well, yeah but my joke is a play on words. We fear change. Get it? Change like money but also…”
Older vacuum cuts him off. “I get it, and I’m telling you it’s hack shit. What’s next? Mao Tse Tung? ‘Change must come from the barrel of a gun’?”
The younger vacuum looks as though this is a pretty decent premise for a joke he’d have happily included in his act had this conversation never occurred. The older vacuum senses that he’s not getting through.
Older vacuum tries again. “Did you look at the crowd out there?”
“Of course I looked. I thought it went-”
“Well it didn’t went. You bombed. You did not suck.”
“Aw, come on I totally sucked.”
The older vacuum realizes he is talking to himself. Not that he’s not being heard, but that he’s talking more to a younger version of himself that he sees in the younger vacuum than to the younger vacuum. He relaxes his attachments and leans back a bit. The younger vacuum senses the tension go out of the conversation.
“You know,” the older vacuum says, finally, “You’ve got a lot of promise, kid. You are going to be fine.”
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