If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know conflict. As the saying goes, “The honeymoon doesn’t last forever.” No matter how wonderful your spouse is, no matter how much you love each other and no matter how committed you are to one another, sooner or later you are going to disagree. And it’s usually sooner than later. 

There are no perfect marriages. Married people are just sinners—and it helps a great deal if they are redeemed sinners—living together in a covenant of “till death do us part.” 

But as many are keenly aware, conflict in marriage can be quite devastating if it is not resolved properly. The trouble is, resolving conflict is a huge undertaking that requires hours of practice, and is usually learned in the context of emotional discharge. Resolving conflict takes a resolved disposition. 

If we want to succeed at resolving conflict, we have to be like police officers or other emergency response teams who train at their skills by relentless and repetitious practice. Practice is not necessarily enjoyable, but after so many times of repeating an exercise it becomes second nature, an unconscious behavior. 

Remember when you first learned to drive and you had to conscientiously think about using the turn signals? Now, you use them—or dismiss them, if you’re one of those—without even realizing it. It’s a default reaction. 

So it is with conflict resolution in marriage. The more you do it right, the more it becomes second nature. (In counseling we often call this response.) And the more you do it wrong, the more it becomes second nature. (We call this reaction.) Either way you’re training yourselves to react or respond to conflict.  Continue reading “20 Principles for Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage” »

Well, what I meant to say is there are some inexpensive places to go on a date in our “happening” city of Las Vegas.  

And that’s what you need if you’re raising kids–or unemployed.  Either way, the checking account looks about the same at the end of the month.  

To be a help and to share some of our experiences, I’ve decided to post some reviews of my wife’s and my favorite places to date on a dime…

Does that sound corny?  To date on a dime?  Like I borrowed it from one of those home shows?  

Anyway, let me encourage you to subscribe to the blog and then you can get some ideas in your inbox when I post them–as well as other helpful articles.  

If you have a good idea for a fun and inexpensive date, email me at scott@scottpostma.net and I just might steal use it.  

After twenty-one years of marriage, eighteen years of pastoral ministry, raising four kids to teen years and beyond, and experiencing my fair share of disappointments and offenses, I feel I can say with some measure of authority, most Christians’ understanding of forgiveness is grossly miscalculated.  We’re far too reductionist in our philosophy if we think a person who’s been wounded needs to just “tell it to Jesus,” and “get over it.”

Those who harshly judge a person struggling to forgive have likely never been thoroughly offended themselves.  They’ve never been deeply wounded by someone else’s negligent or malicious actions.  They’ve never felt the kind of betrayal that fosters a spirit of revenge.

Even so, it’s still necessary, it’s still right, to forgive our offenders, regardless of how bad we’ve been hurt.  Nearly all psychologists agree that holding a grudge is bad for a person’s physical and mental health.  It causes headaches, ulcers, insomnia, depression and a host of other serious symptoms.  And, as previous noted, it’s bad for our relationship with God.

In the first post, we discussed the importance of forgiving our offenders, regardless of how bad we’ve been hurt.  It’s unhealthy, physically, mentally and spiritually, for an offended person to hold a grudge and remain bitter.

In our second post, we discussed the first step of forgiveness is to give the job of vengeance to the professional.  God sees everything and He is far more capable of dealing with offenders than we are.  He is the divine professional.

But how do you keep giving vengeance back to God every time a memory of the offence raises its venomous head to strike a deadly blow to your wounded heart?  Continue reading “How to Forgive the Worst Offense – Pt. 3” »

In the first post, we discussed the importance of forgiving our offenders, regardless of how bad we’ve been hurt.  It’s unhealthy, physically, mentally and spiritually, for the offended person to hold a grudge.  It seems natural to us that we not let the offender get away with his trespass.

But holding on to unforgiveness causes headaches, ulcers, insomnia, depression and a host of other serious symptoms.  Not to mention, we are straining our fellowship with God when we hold a grudge.  Jesus commands us to forgive.  He tells us “…if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15).  Being out of fellowship with God is dangerous business.

We know it is right, but it seems impossible that we will ever be able to forgive. So how do we do it?  It is going to require three actions from you:  giving something, receiving something and believing something.

The first action is the subject of this post—giving something.  Are you ready? Continue reading “How to Forgive the Worst Offense – Pt. 2” »

Those who harshly judge a person struggling to forgive have likely never been thoroughly offended themselves. They’ve never been deeply wounded by someone else’s negligent or malicious actions. They’ve never felt the kind of betrayal that fosters a spirit of revenge.

I can tell you from personal experience offenses hurt–bad! And, most are not easy to forgive. But if you’re reading this, you likely know exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t have to convince you that forgiving a trespasser is not easy. It darn well may seem impossible!

After eighteen years of pastoral ministry, I feel I can say with some measure of authority, the church’s understanding of offenses is grossly miscalculated. We’re far too reductionist in our philosophy if we think a person who’s been wounded needs to just “tell it to Jesus,” and “get over it.” Like I said, it’s nearly impossible to get over serious offences on your own outside something catastrophic happening to you, like contracting amnesia. Continue reading “How to Forgive the Worst Offense” »