perfecting loneliness

escape

look at how much the tree has grown.

favourite place in the whole world.

tee.
countless pina coladas.
being extremely bad the entire weekend.

what a wonderful way to relive old memories of roadtrips we’ve taken.

a weekend full of. sleep.

yes, i like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
i’m not much into health food, i am into champagne.

twenty-six

twenty-five was spent with bearn and tt getting up to no good. intimate, far from quiet, and the fabulous nutella chocolate cake from something sweet to make the high even sweeter.

from then till now. bearn has moved to la for film school. and i don’t remember the last time i saw tt. the one constant thing is the getting up to no good.

responsibility and maturity gets so blah sometimes. like raining on my parade. gone are reckless days. but they haven’t gone too far away though. i still try to revisit them every now and then, and each time it gets harder and harder to stay and easier to leave.

because it’s supposedly so easy to leave behind. i suppose it gets to me.

i’ve never been good with all the emotional venting. never beyond this. never aloud to people.

but right now i’m not going to overthink it.

pk took me to uomasa’s for uni at lunch.

a little test run to see what it’s like to shun sobriety when you’re closer to 30

this weekend. tee and i. beach life.

finalfuckingly.

++

late afternoon delight/surprise.

my heart and blood pressure is normal says the cardiologist.

daisy baked me a chocolate cake.

dinner at baan sattaya.

one last dr 90210 with jeremycake. for now.

new pictures

nothing has changed.

i’ve been going through pictures. old ones. new ones.

i keep on wanting new pictures. of new places.
new faces.
new feelings.
new smile.

i’ve been going through your pictures. old ones. new ones.

i miss you.

i pretended i was yawning when i was going through your pictures.

just incase. anybody asked why my eyelashes were wet.

sometimes leaving everything behind doesn’t seem that hard.

why haven’t i left?

i’m listening to elvis costello on a monday afternoon.

i miss lazy summer days. out by the beach. with oversized sunglasses and the smell of fake coconuts from suntan lotions melting in the hot air.

lounging and taking drag after drag from cigarettes and the occasional joint.

or is it the other way around?

being by the sea always made my high last a little bit longer. the days would move at a brilliantly slow pace–so slow i could feel every ray of the sun as the earth slowly turned.

just lying there. never wasting anytime for complete and total relaxation.

and that sense of freedom. that spectacular feeling of not having to talk to anybody. not having to listen. do. anything.

tropical escape in the city

i suppose the trick is to not plan.

or at the very least, to not plan so far ahead of time that it gives us a chance to change our minds. repeatedly.

the past weekend has been a very daisy weekend. simply just hanging out and talking about things that sometimes making sense. we’ve already started to miss each other, even though she’s not due to leave till sometime next year.

friday we ended up talking non stop for hours and hours until the fast food joint closed and then we moved to my place. the next night she offered me an escape from the city around 10pm–swimming in her tropical ooh-so-resorty pool. it felt so great, so nice. to forget about work and life and just float around and babble nonsense.

daisy balances me out. she believes in the good of humankind. i don’t have expectations on anybody. she gives people a chance to prove themselves, i don’t. she plays good cop, i’m always the bad one. i like how we work. i like how it’s so comfortable to be evil around her.

—

this year has gone by so fast.

this feeling has been heavy for the past few weeks. makes me tired.

want to sleep. i was sleeping really badly last week. now i don’t want to get out of bed.

such a daze. fuzzy. makes me want to lie in bed and listen to sparklehorse. maybe move my toe when the beat picks up.

changes changes changes.

if one of us doesn’t change, this will kill us.

i’ll change.

shades of retro

retro indeed.

earlier today. and just now.

something’s happening. and i like it.

had dinner with kiran at no.53. hellllloooo high school days. she brought me her wedding invitation, an indian wedding! five days of celebrating aaaaannnd i get an outfit to wear to the temple on the wedding day itself! i kept on asking her about the traditions, and play by play on how her man proposed. oh man! i’m so psyched for her, i’m so psyched for her wedding!

post no.53, i gave tee’ a call and finally caught up with her at shades of retro.

relived the glory of old days. hairy ducks, handwritten letters and postcards, japanese boy crushes, forgetting my underwear at tee’s, who later packed it and took it to new york city. yes the story of the travelling underwear.

whatever happened to it?

it was nice. to sit at the bar and have a heart to heart. rare. but always welcomed.

how do you tell a friend to not worry? you really can’t, can you?

there’s not much i can do. except listen.

กูก็ฟังมึงตลอดหล่ะ ขนาดนี้แล้ว ไม่ฟังมึง แล้วกูจะไปฟังใคร?

type thai geng makkkk kha!

change vs realisation

change. everybody keeps talking about change. change this. change that.

change is all around.

how do you change, when you don’t even realise you need to change?

realisation. why don’t they talk about that instead? realise this. realise that.

realise all around.

realise. and. change.

my life.
your life.
our life.

slightly overloaded with work. bills. but nothing too troubling.

calm before storm? feels like it.

but no matter right?

kiran called me up last night. “i’m getting married” she says, “you’re my oldest friend, you have to come to my wedding.”

can you believe it? i was in a cab on my way to teach, i told her “i have tears in my eyes, i’m so happy for you!”

i really was.

since 1985 - that’s how long i’ve known her.

that’s also how long i’ve known tim.

i miss tim.

pip * says:
i budgeted 120k for it
pip * says:
and then i thought about it
pip * says:
fuck man.
pip * says:
i shouldn’t be spending that much for a weekend
Tim+ says:
haha
Tim+ says:
more than a weekend bebe
Tim+ says:
9 fun filled days with Tim!!
pip * says:
hahahahha
Tim+ says:
priceless!

Tim+ says:
i’ll be back dec 29
Tim+ says:
you’re first on the to do list
pip * says:
<3 <3

what a day.

i got to talk to bearn. to jonathan. how i’ve missed them.

i told bearn how much i’ve missed him. and i love how we always laugh.

i told jon how life has been. he asked what’ve i been doing. i told him i’m trying to sort my life out. have some babies. hahaha. he says “dating people doesn’t mean having babies” i’m just preparing.

it’s been too long since i’ve seen them. months. years. but how lucky i am to have them in my life.

everything else?

yes, no matter.

post high

“i love you, but i’m sober now–so i’m gonna go home.”

didn’t think i’d be saying those words so soon. but i did.

have been incredibly naughty. got home early and indulged in junk food and e! with jeremycake, before heading out to teach. then going back out to spoon for the bear garden set. which then, the above happened.

i wonder if that’s a sign. to get completely lit before i agree to go out to these things. it’s not that i don’t have fun. because i do. i like the bands that are playing. it’s just the people. honestly. and daisy knows this. she knows how i hate everybody. except her and jeremycake anyway. and the boys that swear and get drunk at 4am on soi aree and climb on the garbage trucks singing bangkok: the musical.

hahaa.what a great night that was. fuckwit free. sorta. you can never be sure who’ll turn into a fuckwit at a later date.

jeremy makes watching e! so much fun. i think we have the best time watching dr.90210– cries of ew’s and argh’s make it so much more engaging. i always have a pillow held up in front of my face blocking the tv and watch jeremy’s facial expression instead to get an idea of the gore that is on tv: dr. matlock and laser vaginal rejuvenation. hahaha!

oh my.

yesterday’s word du jour: douchebag.

plannin a girl’s night out. which is actually a girl’s night in with daisy. plus jeremycake, our guest of honour. it’s like a graduation-birthday-farewell sorta party.

debauchery will certainly be present.

almost like a criminal

i’ve been a bad, bad girl. well not that bad. but bad enough.

been hanging quite often with jin. has to do with him being extremely free and able to be my lunch date at mega malls. point is: he’s free now. and he won’t be free ever again after this month. not like this. so i must utilise the time most effectively…like going for a movie at 1.15pm on a monday afternoon.

work? what? can’t hear you.

is this what summer vacation feels like? or is this what skipping class feels like. i’ve forgotten what a long holiday is suppose to feel like. but am glad to say i know exactly what skipping class feels like. well, class, work. same thing, no?

have promised myself to be really diligent and practise more on the bass. but all i want to do is. not that.

seriously, i was telling jin when we were out bass shopping. it was either… go out and buy something or get extremely inebriated at 3pm on a sunday. i made the right choice, went shopping. though would’ve been more cost-effective if i was just completely

off
my
element.

had an interesting conversation with jin about a mutual group of “friends”. i use that term loosely. okay. acquaintences. not friends. people we know. am glad that we are on the same page.

sometimes i wonder if it’s because i had once emotionally invested myself with one of them. the big “L”.

atleast that’s what i thought it was at the time, or that’s what i thought how it should be. at the time. no, not anymore. we’ve grown up. it’s been ten years since i sat by the window half way around the world and wished on the same moon night after night.

no more. wishes.

how do you disregard something without sounding a little bit bitter? or is it because you can’t? it’s not that i mean to belittle anything i’ve felt or thought i’ve felt in the past.

perhaps at this moment in time i’m at my wisest. my most objective self. and not caught up in a moment. or a person. yes. acquaintences that i don’t really care for.

what is the one great thing i’ve learnt from each failed relationship?

i’m not quite sure anymore.

collectively, i’m sure i’ve learned a lot, i just can’t seem to find the patience to pin point them out. right now i’m just really enjoying all the things i’ve forgotten to remember is bad for me.

i’ve been running into m a lot lately. i’ve missed him, and he looks good. got a new haircut and looks well. i always ask how his parents are. and his little sister. and to send my regards to them. and then i always make false promises about visiting and have dinner with his family. it’s funny how we used to be inseperable, and the countless nights i’d spend there, and all the no good we’d get up to.

how fast time flies.

makin’ music out of thin air

bought me a new bass.

i can’t stop touching it.

it’s been too long

really. i promise. this isn’t some sort of retaliation.

i’m not spiralling out of control. am still relatively sober. and still in the same vicinity of being good.

though, i threw out the no drinking rule. still not smoking. four months. not bad. and drinking moderately instead.

spent the day at the dinner party photo shoot, which started since noon. i think all of us was pretty much restless but it was fun spending time with old friends i haven’t seen in a long time, meeting and forming new friendships while strengthening the old. talking about who had the better pair of tits in that dress, and watching the results after the magic of hair and make up. and the boys. oh the boys.

this is no ordinary photo shoot. this is something special. something extraordinary. this magazine. is extraordinary. it’s from the collaboration and effort of friends. isn’t that something truly amazing? to grace the pages of a magazine, with your nearest and dearest. the laughter captured by the camera was real laughter. from real conversations. the expressions. the looks exchanged.

the eyes. the eyes never lie.

i’m grateful for everyone who was part of it. a wonderful moment in time has been captured, and will be printed in pages. a keepsake. a memory we can look back at.

i don’t even feel bad for forgetting my own little digital camera. i didn’t spend anytime trying to capture moments, i had a professional to do it for me, and it was perfect.

it was a long day. but when everything finally fell into place, it was such an exhilirating momentum of how perfectly everything played out, after all this time spent waiting and waiting. when we wrapped, everybody was fueled by champagne and too much wine, we sat and talked over boxed dinners, laughing and sharing mortifying stories of old friends with new friends. how wonderful it is to have history.

after too many bottles of wine we ventured downstairs to the infamous huu’ bar where it was model’s night. how fitting. hahaha. all the lametards were there, and the cocktails were freeflowing, and the beautiful people adorned the bar, leaving no room for anybody to walk. and the men. oh the men. beautiful chiseled creatures that somehow are still alluring after all this time.

coming home not too early. not too late. just right. and with a male model.

hahaha. oh yes, jin tirak–male model from model’s night.

jackie, baby. you were missed. stories of our trip to pranburi and skinny dipping while jin watched on were retold. i miss you. i love you.

it really has been too long. i didn’t know that i’d miss all of it this much.