Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog

The Moral of the Story: Go ahead and make your mom look like an idiot in front of an important client. Everyone will think it’s adorable!

The Big Deal: Wakefield parents’ anniversary

Synopsis:

Alice Wakefield has been working a lot lately. It’s obvious to the twins that she’s having an affair with her newest client, millionaire Frank Howard. This crisis comes at a super inconvenient time for Elizabeth; as part of a “Living History” project she’s doing with Pamela and Amy, Liz is supposed to interview her loving parents and find out how they met. They’re both so busy and distracted that Liz can’t get them to concentrate on the interview. There is, of course, other evidence that Alice is stepping out: she and Ned both forgot their anniversary and Alice keeps going into the other room to take Mr. Howard’s phone calls.

The twins think the best course of action is to make Frank think they’re dirty ragamuffin kids. They even get Steven on board. The twins deliver some plans to Mr. Howard’s office and make sure to look their grossest while they’re at it. They make their hair look stringy and wear mismatched clothes. Then when Frank shows up for lunch, Jessica makes him a salad and puts chili peppers in the dressing, telling him it’s her mom’s favorite recipe. When Jessica walks him to the door after lunch, she mentions that she has all kinds of brothers and sisters from Alice’s first two marriages.

• Make Alice look like a bad mother: check.
• Make Alice look like a bad cook: check.
• Make Alice look like a whore: check.

Well, that about does it for Alice, I guess. But wait! Liz goes to Casey’s Place in the mall and sees Alice and Frank walking around, looking in shop windows together. Jessica is following them. (And she’s wearing the outfit in the cover illustration, complete with newspaper.) The twins see Alice and Frank go into the jewelry store and start looking at engagement rings. Jessica goes to Frank’s office, intent on telling the man to back off, but she overhears him talking to someone on the phone. Whoever he’s talking to, he calls her “darling” and says they’ll be together forever after Saturday night. Jessica immediately goes off to find Liz, and then the twins go to the high school to get Steven. The three of them work out a great plan to keep their mother from eloping.

The plan is this: The twins convince Ned and Alice to go out to dinner to belatedly celebrate their forgotten anniversary. They’ll be out of the house by seven o’clock. Then Jessica calls Mr. Howard’s office, pretending to be Alice, and invites Frank over for dinner at seven-fifteen. Just after seven o’clock, Amy shows up with Pamela and a bunch of Steven’s buddies from the basketball team. They’re all dressed like gypsy children. The kids drag a bunch of old, ratty furniture up from the basement. By the time Frank shows up, the house looks like poor people live there. I guess it doesn’t really matter to anyone that Frank was just at the house the other day for lunch and it probably did not look like poor people lived there. Whatevs.

Frank is very confused when he gets there. Jessica tells him Alice was probably drunk when she invited him for dinner, and then she introduces him to all her other “siblings.” After a few minutes, Frank realizes this is all some kind of big joke. He gets pissed and tries to leave, but Ned and Alice are just coming in when he opens the door. Amy and the rest of the other kids clear out and Ned demands an explanation. And that’s when a beautiful woman knocks on the door and introduces herself as Karen, Frank’s fiancée. Oh, dear.

Everyone troops into the crappy living room for story time. When Jessica finishes explaining everything, the adults are all totally amused at her wild imagination. Instead of getting into trouble, the kids are invited to join their parents at dinner. That’s why Ned and Alice came home in the first place. They realized they haven’t been spending much time at home and they want to change that. So they all go to dinner at DeSalvio’s. On the way there in Frank’s silver limo, Alice says DeSalvio’s is where she met Ned. She was a waitress and she spilled food on him and it was HILARIOUS. (This is quite different from the saved-her-from-drowning story most of us are familiar with.)

Quotes:

“I’d probably hate it in Beverly Hills. I mean, they have so many stars and beautiful people, nobody would notice me.”

This is Jessica’s initial reaction to the idea of Alice getting married to Frank and moving to his mansion in Beverly Hills.

A figure in a long trench coat and large felt hat peeked out from behind the marble pillar, then scurried in little steps to the door of Brass and Glass. From the pocket of the tan coat, the person took out a newspaper and pretended to read.

Jessica’s been watching too many old spy movies.

“We’ve got to stop her!” Elizabeth said with determination.

“We’ll help!” Amy and Pamela chimed in.

I was trying to find a screenshot of all the guys in the donut shop standing up and saying, “We’ll help!” but this is the best I could do. And for some terrible reason, I do not have Wayne’s World on DVD. What is wrong with me?

The Cover: I HATE this cover. Hate it. So much. My husband wants to know why this kid is dressed like Dick Tracy.

The Moral of the Story: Footballs from the 60s bring families together.

The Big Deal: Time capsule contest

Classmate with a Problem: George Henkel, estranged from father

Synopsis:

Sweet Valley Middle School opened twenty-five years ago. To celebrate the anniversary, the school is going to bury a time capsule to be opened another twenty-five years from now. (Incidentally, that would be in 2013. That’s next year. OMG, I’m so old.) To get the kids into it, there’s going to be a contest. Four-person groups will try to find three things that best represent the 60s – because that’s when the school opened –  and whoever finds the most awesome things will get their pictures put into the time capsule. The Unicorns are determined to win because they want everlasting fame. And I guess we’re putting the things from the 60s into a time capsule in the 80s. I don’t really get it.

Liz, Amy and Julie get stuck with a kid named George Henkel. He’s quiet and morose and totally uncommunicative when Liz asks him why he doesn’t live with his father. Mr. Howard Henkel is a wheelchair-bound curmudgeon who lives near the Wakefields. Liz goes to his house sometimes and helps out around the house. Liz is looking through newspapers from the 60s and she finds out Mr. Henkel was a football player. He won some special game for the SVMS team and was given the football from the game. Liz asks George if his dad still has the ball, and George says he didn’t know anything about it because he doesn’t talk to his father.

Liz talks to her own father and finds out Mr. Henkel went off to Vietnam and came back in a wheelchair. His wife died when George was a baby, and then George went to live with his aunt and uncle. Liz thinks it’s tragic, but Ned tells her she should leave it alone. Ned clearly doesn’t know his daughter very well. The next time Liz goes to see Mr. Henkel, she asks him about the big game. He tells her all about it and even shows her the magical football. But he gets crabby when she asks if she can have it for the time capsule. He says it’s all he has.

The school is planning a 60s-style dance and Liz tells George he should go with her, Amy and Julie. At the dance, Liz notices George noticing Nora Mercandy, so she suggests he go ask her to do the twist with him. Everyone has a great time, and George is so relaxed and happy that he finally agrees to talk to his father about getting that football. George shows up at the Wakefield house the next day to tell Liz that his dad sucks and won’t let him have his super important football.

Later that day, Jessica goes to Mr. Henkel’s house to drop off some books Liz got for him. Mr. Henkel thinks she’s Liz and he gives her the football, babbling about how he should have treated his son better and not letting Jessica get a word in to say she’s not Elizabeth. Once she has her hands on the football, though, she shuts up and starts daydreaming about how her team is going to win the time capsule contest. By lunchtime on Monday, everyone at school has heard about Jessica getting the football. The Unicorns are impressed. Liz is not. Liz gets the truth out of Jessica and makes her hand over the football. When Liz tries to give it to George, he says he doesn’t want it unless his father gives it to him in person. So Liz tells Mr. Henkel and Mr. Henkel gets crabby and says the deal’s off.

Time’s up and everyone goes to the big ceremony at school. Jessica’s team has found a movie poster, a Beatles record and an old fashion magazine. Liz’s team has an autographed pictures of President Kennedy and a textbook from the first year the school was open. They weren’t able to find a third item. But wait! In the middle of the ceremony, Mr. Henkel makes a dramatic entrance, wheeling himself onto the field, football in his lap. He goes straight to the stage and talks to Mr. Clark, who calls George to the stage.

Mr. Henkel makes a big speech about looking forward instead of backward and then he hands the ball to George. Big hug, Liz’s team wins, everyone is happy except the Unicorns. Jessica’s silver lining is that Liz is getting her picture put in the time capsule and people might mistake her for Jessica.

Setup for the next book: the twins think their mother is having an affair.

Quotes:

“The Unicorns are very happy about this,” [Janet] told Jessica. “This is a great accomplishment and we won’t forget it.”

Sometimes Janet sounds like a mob boss.

The Cover: I have always loved this cover. I think it’s because I’m obsessed with the 60s and 70s.

I made you all some Valentines.

The Moral of the Story: People from Tennessee are doll-whittling horse whisperers.

The Big Deal: Arts and Crafts Fair

New Kid with a Problem: Ginny Lu Culpepper, hillbilly

Synopsis:

Ginny Lu Culpepper has moved in with her aunt, Mrs. Waldron, a teacher at Sweet Valley Middle School. Ginny Lu is from Tennessee, so she has red hair and talks loud. The first thing Ginny Lu does when she rolls into town is go to the middle school to find her aunt. She interrupts Elizabeth’s class to ask Mrs. Arnette where Mrs. Waldron is, and her voice and clothes make Ellen Riteman hate her immediately.

Mrs. Waldron takes Ginny Lu to the mall for some new clothes, and Ginny Lu is simply amazed at all the shiny sparkly things that just don’t exist in Stony Gap, Tennessee. Ellen and Lila appear out of nowhere and pretend to be helpful, giving Ginny Lu a bunch of really ugly clothes and telling her they’re all the rage out here in California. She comes out of the dressing room wearing the following items of clothing:

• Leopard-skin tights
• Blue and white striped knee socks over the tights
• Orange leather miniskirt
• Huge green sweater
• Banana earrings

Here is a visual representation of this outfit:

Not pictured: banana earrings

The saleslady asks Mrs. Waldron if Ginny Lu is color blind. Ellen and Lila have gathered a crowd outside the shop to laugh at Ginny Lu. The Unicorn Welcome Wagon, ladies and gentlemen.

The next day at school, Ginny Lu overhears Ellen, Janet and Lila talking about her. She decides she’s had enough and she runs away from school. She doesn’t stop running until she comes upon the stables, which is where Liz finds her when she goes for her horseback riding lesson. Ginny Lu has a way with horses, and she’s made friends with a pregnant mare named Snow White. Naturally, Snow White is Ellen’s horse. And naturally, Ellen shows up and yells at Ginny Lu to go away. Liz tells her to leave Ginny Lu alone and stop being such a bitch. Not bloody likely.

Ginny Lu gives Liz a doll she whittled, and Mrs. Wakefield says it’s “a lovely example of Appalachian folk art.” She’s an interior designer so she knows about these things. Liz decides Ginny Lu should enter her dolls in the big Arts and Crafts Fair at school. Ginny Lu would rather keep her head down and keep out of the Unicorns’ way, but Liz is determined and she eventually convinces Ginny Lu to enter.

Things are going just fine at the fair and everyone seems to be getting into Ginny Lu’s weird poem that she’s decided to recite, but Ellen makes fun of her. And so, like a true Sweet Valley girl, Ginny Lu freaks out and runs away in tears. She goes home and packs a suitcase, then goes to the stables to say goodbye to Snow White. She’s running away, back to the mountains, where life is simple for a redheaded girl who talks too loud and wears gingham dresses.

When she gets to the stable, Snow White has given birth and Ted the stable boy is having some trouble. The foal is premature and won’t stand up to nurse and Snow White won’t let Ted get near him. It’s Ginny to the rescue. Ted has called the Ritemans, so of course Ellen shows up during Ginny Lu’s rescue operation, but she finally gets it through her head that the foal will die without Ginny Lu’s help. After things settle down, Ellen apologizes and lets Ginny Lu name the foal. She names him Sooner. “Because he decided he’d rather get here sooner than later. And now that he’s here, he’s decided he’d sooner stay.” Ugh.

Meanwhile, in Jessicaland… Jessica let Janet Howell borrow Ned’s prized tennis racket, and she broke it. Jessica wants to buy a new one before her dad notices the old one is gone, but it’s fifty dollars. After a couple of failed attempts at getting money (selling Liz’s clothes in a garage sale and doing Steven’s chores to get his allowance money), she hits the jackpot when she finds out a local shop will buy Ginny Lu’s whittled dolls for twenty-five dollars each. She sets herself up as Ginny Lu’s agent and slithers away with ten percent. The new tennis racket is on the way and only Liz is the wiser.

Quotes:

Their father, who was usually warm and funny, had no sense of humor when it came to his tennis racket.

Well, sure. Who does?

“I think you should get started right away,” Steven declared. He pulled a broom and dustpan from under his bed and handed them to Jessica.

I’d just like to know if anyone else keeps a broom and dustpan under the bed.

The Cover: First of all, let’s just take a moment to really soak in Liz’s smugface. That self-satisfied “I sure am good at making friends” face just makes me want to puke. (Also, doesn’t she look a little like DJ Tanner here?) And second, Ginny Lu looks exactly like you would expect a Ginny Lu to look: like she came straight out of Little House on the Prairie. (No offense meant to any Ginny Lus in the audience.)

The Moral of the Story: There are no child safety laws in Sweet Valley.

The Big Deal: Nothing exciting.

Synopsis:

Sarah Thomas is working on a history project with Liz and Amy, and for some reason she feels the need to constantly state that she hates weekends. If anyone mentions the weekend, Sarah makes sure that person feels awkward about it. Nobody can figure out what her problem is.

Sarah’s dad has to leave town for a week on business and he leaves Annie, his fiancé, in charge of Sarah. The second his car is out of the driveway, Annie gets a phone call. She tells Sarah it was one of her old neighbors on the phone to tell her that Annie’s little sister is sick and she should come take care of her. So Annie takes off, saying she’ll be back the following day. Two days go by before Annie calls to say she’ll be gone until Saturday. Annie told Sarah not to mention anything to her father, so Sarah pretends Annie is in the shower whenever her dad calls and she doesn’t tell anyone what’s going on. She’s not sleeping because she’s too scared to sleep in the house alone, and she gratefully accepts when Liz asks her to a sleepover at her house for Friday night.

Janet Howell tells Jessica she wants her advice about what to do for the Unicorns’ next party. She comes over to the Wakefield house and seems disappointed that Steven isn’t there. She manages to bring up Steven’s name over and over, but Jessica doesn’t even notice because she’s feeling so special about Janet wanting her advice. Jessica finally figures out that Janet is only hanging around to get a glimpse of Steven. She gets pissed and tells Janet maybe she’ll resign from the Unicorns. So now Janet’s not speaking to Jessica, and Lila’s mad at her because she’s jealous of all the time Jessica was spending with Janet. But don’t worry, it only takes two pages to get all that resolved and then Jessica’s life is back on track.

By the time Friday night rolls around, Sarah is half dead from sleep deprivation and she falls down the stairs and passes out. When Liz, Amy and Mr. Wakefield arrive to pick her up and nobody answers the door, they look in the window and see Sarah in a heap at the foot of the stairs. Ned breaks a window to get inside. After making sure Sarah’s alive, he calls the paramedics. He also finds out where Mr. Thomas works, and a call to his company reveals that he’s in Texas.

Ned and the girls go to the hospital with Sarah and after a while Sarah’s dad shows up. He doesn’t understand why Sarah was alone in the house and he makes some phone calls. He finds out that bitch Annie doesn’t even have a little sister. Then Annie herself comes running into the ER waiting room acting like she cares, but Mr. Thomas tells her to fuck off. Annie leaves and then Sarah’s dead mother’s sister waltzes in out of nowhere and says she knew something like this would happen and that Sarah should go live with her.

But no, Sarah tells her aunt she wants to stay with her dad and nobody seems to care that a twelve-year-old girl just spent five days living by herself. Everyone has a great time at the Unicorn luau that Jessica and Janet planned.

Quotes:

Making Janet think she was mature and sophisticated was hard work!

The “hard work” consisted of Jessica ordering cherry cola (when she really wanted lemonade) and nachos (instead of popcorn) because that’s what Janet ordered.

“The whole world doesn’t revolve around you, Lila Fowler.”

“That’s a nice thing to say! Some friend you are!”

Unicorn friends should never let on that the world doesn’t revolve around other Unicorns.

The Cover: I’m pretty sure I had a lion just like that.

The Moral of the Story: It’s okay to skip school if you have a twin sister. She’ll get punished instead of you.

The Big Deal: Basketball championship game

Synopsis:

The Unicorns’ favorite soap opera, All the World, is coming to Sweet Valley to film an episode. Why? Because Sweet Valley is the most amazing place in the world. Kent Kellerman, heartthrob of the show, is going to be there and the Unicorns are desperate to meet him. Unfortunately, he’s only going to be in town on a Monday during school hours. Brooke Dennis tells Liz her dad is working on the show but she doesn’t want everyone to know because then they’ll all want her to introduce them to Kent. So of course Liz tells Jessica because she can’t possibly keep such a big secret from her very own twin. Jessica promises Liz she won’t say anything, so she has to come up with some devious plan to use this information.

Jessica talks it over with Lila and they decide to offer Brooke a spot on the Booster squad. They figure she’ll be so grateful that she’ll offer to introduce them to Kent. Jessica finds out Liz and Julie are meeting Brooke at Julie’s house to talk to her about being on the school newspaper staff, and since newspaper is the opposite of Booster squad (and a person can only do one or the other) Jessica decides to get to Brooke first. She races over to Julie’s house and catches Brooke before she can knock on the door. She tells Brooke that Julie and Liz aren’t going to make it and Brooke should just come to the Dairi Burger with her. About an hour later, Julie and Liz decide Brooke isn’t going to show, so they decide to go get some lunch. Where? The Dairi Burger, of course.

Jessica’s plan is flawless. After she and Lila tell Brooke she’d make a great Booster, they start talking about Kent Kellerman. Brooke is so grateful that the popular girls want her on their super exclusive cheering squad that she offers to try to get them passes to the set. Liz has arrived by this point and she’s appalled at Jessica’s behavior.

Brooke gets the passes, but she tells Lila and Jessica that the filming will be over by the time school lets out. Caroline says Ms. Langberg the gym teacher has jury duty and won’t be in school all week, so Jessica and Lila decide to skip lunch and gym and go to the film set. Liz thinks this is a horrible idea and she freaks out when Amy tells her Caroline was wrong about Ms. Langberg. Liz uses the rest of her lunch period to go downtown and bring Jessica and Lila back. The girls think they might get away with it, but they run right into Mrs. Knight, the principal’s secretary. Now, somehow, Mrs.  Knight gets back to school before they do (what is she doing downtown in the first place?) and tells Mr. Clark that Jessica and Lila were cutting class. She apparently did not see Liz.

Jessica and Lila are in big trouble. Their punishment is to wash blackboards after school every day for the rest of the week, and they won’t be allowed to participate in any after school activities. Oh no! There’s a basketball championship coming up and Jessica is the star player! (Since when?) Jessica convinces Liz to participate in a good old-fashioned twin switch, and even gets Liz to agree to switch for after-school practices. This means Liz is washing blackboards while Jessica is practicing in the gym. It also means Liz is going to miss an important interview for the Sixers. Mr. Bowman goes to the gym and tells Jessica-as-Elizabeth that the famous ballerina she’s supposed to be interviewing will be at her hotel at four and she can interview her there. Jessica gets Brooke to agree to the interview, but of course she fucks up and tells her to go to the ballet school instead of the hotel.

The ballerina has to go back to San Diego, and Brooke and Liz can’t think of anyone else they can interview for the paper. Then Kent Kellerman falls into their laps. He’s going to be having dinner with Brooke and her father, and Liz is invited to join them. Kent’s even agreed to answer a few questions for the paper. Jessica wants to go, but she’s grounded for cutting class. HA! Liz does get her an autograph though, because that’s