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Don’t Panic. The 42BELOW Guide to 2012

January 4, 2012

2012, the year calculated by the ancient Mayan civilization as the end of the line for humanity, consumed in a hungry, roiling mist of destruction. 2012, the year in which the now deceased (but impressively coiffured and sunglassed) Grand Poobah of North Korea Kim Jong-il predicted his country would ‘open the grand gates to becoming a rising superpower’. 2012, that cheesedog sci-fi movie that hopefully brought John Cusack a well-appointed holiday home cos he’s the man and used to make great flicks back in the day and he’s cool and he sincerely deserves it.

Yessir. When it comes to the end times, there’s only one distilled alcoholic beverage / irreverent antipodean brand you can rely on to keep you toasty warm as society collapses. That’s yours truly, 42BELOW. So join us as we guide you through the essential skillset required to keep one’s composure in times of rapid and total societal disintegration. Stay frosty peeps, don’t let rampant cosmic catastrophe keep you from living a full life, we’ll guide you through the ins and outs of grace under fire over the next 11 months up until d-day on the 21st December.

Part 1 of The Urban Survivalist’s Guide to Better Living through Vodka in Times of Super-Rapid Urban Decay:

1. ONLY HIGHLY EVOLVED BEINGS ARE SWEATING IT

You don’t see Labradors and Axylotyl’s with crow’s feet, fine lines and wrinkles, or high cholesterol, getting all stressed out about the world ending. They just dribble and smile, or drift around the fish tank looking all cute with their four arms and furry antlers. Take a leaf from their playbook. Dribble more, stress less.

2. FOREWARNED IS FOREARMED.

You’ll certainly need forearms for this crisis. How else will you fend off the inevitable zombie hordes and prepare delicious cocktails in your well stocked bunker? (More to come on bunker stocking in Edition 2.) Don’t remove your forearms.

3. FRUIT. VODKA. CHARISMA.

The beneficial effects of fruit and vegetables are suggested to be related to the presence of antioxidants. The presence of high quality Vodka in your blood stream is anecdotally related to palpable increases in charisma, sexual magnetism, and hilarious anecdotes. Far be it from us to draw conclusions given this limited dataset. But presumably a tastefully prepared Seabreeze or Bloody Mary would better equip one to deal with the coming Apocalypse or to gainfully enjoy the last 11 months of civilization than say, a Glass of Water? Ew, water…

Well there you have it. A light hearted introduction to the impending crisis with a focus on quality vodka and good, solid, New Zealand survival skills. Remember we have bears running wild in our cities, so we know what this stuff is about. Stay tuned for more helpful hints over the coming months, next month we’ll show you how to prepare a quality Vodka survival kit so you can prepare cocktails for your valued guests using just canned fruit and a little bit of love. And how to outsmart wild dogs. Even when you’re not that smart.

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