i hate finance!! i don't wanna take the midterm. =( anyway, i just informed pat of the blog. i thought he should just know. what's the point in not telling him. so he's reading it now. he'll comment later. i am interested to see what he has to say. anyway, nikki came by again. for lo of course. lovely! she told me that she met chris. i was like, chris who? oh holy shit. chris the one i hooked up with chris. cuz he lives in founders like a few doors down from her and she talked to him about orange:house and he said he knew me from there. i'm like, oh lovely. whatever. i haven't heard about him in so long. what torment that boy put me through. whatever. that was so long ago. it was just weird to hear about him out of the blue. hey, at least he remembers who i am and where i live. at least he's not *that* much of an ass! anyway, back to studying and awaiting pat's comments.
next orange:house party is april 26th! woo! we just figured it out tonight. we had our little conference. how fun. party. yay! dylan came while we were discussing. and u know what? i now see that i want to be more touchy and intimate. i just realized this from our lack of touching just now. i was just now thinking, yeah i want to be more touchy. i need to do that. altho i am still not keen on the public displays of affection. i feel weird and i feel like it's not me. i think that ppl will look at me weirdly because i never do that sort of stuff. but like yeah. ok. i'm gonna do this. i'm gonna get over this barrier and be more touchy! cuz i really want to. then maybe after i get over it in private, i can get over it in public! =)
the punk concert with tyler was fun. slightly stoopid was the main act. main of 5. 5 fucking acts!! we were there for awhile. it got super hot. yuck. but slightly stoopid was good. the lead singer is hot. haha they sound sorta like sublime in some songs. then others are like punk songs. and they did one hip hop one too. so they have some range. that was cool. i hated the security guard working there who constantly shined his fucking flashlight. SOOOOO fucking annoying. and this one dude on the stage was so overly concerned with stage divers and crowd surfers that just looking at him pissed me off. and then there was this guy on the side of the stage dancing and whatnot to the music and he was so into it, that it bugged me for some reason. but yeah. whatever. hanging out with tyler was cool. he came over here first and i showed him the house. he played the guitar for me for a bit. he mentioned how he likes me more now as a friend than when we were hooking up. i think that's sorta funny but i feel like it makes sense. we seem to talk more and on a better level, if u will, than before. perhaps it's cuz he's older and not in that fratboy mentality. or perhaps it's cuz when we were hooking up there was too much tension there. who knows. anyway, i like that we are friends. i think it's cool. at first i thought we might not keep in touch that well since he's off working in the LBC. but this past semester we have kept in good contact. and that's cool. yay!
on another random note. i left the blonde roots in for now. so my hair looks super funky. rick says it sorta looks like fire cuz its blonde at the roots and red below. i might leave it like that for a few days to see how people in class react. then i'll redye it all to be red. i kinda want dylan to see it just to see how weird i look! hehe
what a night last night!! first up, joe and brian came back and we made chilimac. it wasn't quite the way i expected but it was decent. brian and rick said they liked it. me and joe thought it was alright but wasn't quite right. after that, we were contemplating going dancing at a club. but it didn't pan out cuz we aren't all 21 and we couldn't decide on anything anyway. so we decided to drink at our place first, then go to this techno tribe thing at groundzero, then go to some random parties. so we did that. joe and brian got alcohol which we have yet to pay them back for it! i'll get it back to brian somehow. =) then people started coming over and drinking. dylan came and i wasn't being touchy the way i should have been. i think it's partially an insecurity and fear of my own, and also just me not liking public displays of affection. because i don't have such issues when it's just me and him in my room. anyway, so we all drank and then set out for the techno tribe. joe and dylan were bonding over cars and whatnot. joe later told me that he really liked dylan so i shouldn't let him go. hehe i was bonding with brian considering in all 4 yrs of high school i really didn't talk to him that much. he was always just sort of there with john li. but i found out that brian was a smart fucker at lowell! got 4.0's and a 1450 SAT score. holy fucking shit! brian is cool. i like him. i used to have a slight slight crush on him in high school but it was completely overpowered by my crush on john mahl and others. anyway, so we got to groundzero and it was alright. not that great. jason was dancing really well as he always does. my friend devin was there and we made lunch plans for next week. he cut his hair and i like it. i think it's cute looking. less frizz and more moppy beatles style. =) brian was dancing really well which surprised me cuz i swear he wasn't like that in high school. i feel like he is dif. but then so am i! so whatever. it's called growth jen. hehe anyway, after that we went to a party in citypark. on the way i was my most drunk. i was dancing around the streets. pretending to ski with the poles. ppl sang the national anthem. it was great! we got to citypark and it was sooooo lame. but they had alcohol so we drank. DA, walter, stupid dave, etc were there. we all chatted a bit. then we left and went to this party in troy apts. that was way more lively but not my cup of tea. really random crowd of people. i saw macy from my 302 class! it was soooo shocking cuz he's so like studious and stuff and here he was at the party drinking and dancing. it weirded me out. hehe he commented that usually i'm so quiet in class but that i did a really good job on my presentation the other day. that was nice of him to say. anyway, rick and kyla kept bugging me to touch dylan more! haha but even tho i was like really drunk and stuff, i think i just didn't like the idea of it in public. i think that's one of my hangups. touching ppl in public. i'm not sure if it's cuz i'm embarassed or what. but yeah. at one point we couldn't find joe and we were concerned. but then we left and went home and he was outside the house smoking a cig. he had gone to ian dailey's to play cards with ian and matt. weird that he left without telling us. i have to talk to him to make sure he was ok. we all chilled a bit and ate the donuts brian gaffed from the citypark place. then dylan snorted a line of crushed altoids. i later could taste that when we were kissing. very strange. after we all chilled a bit, brian went to sleep on the couch. ky and tara did their own thing in ky's room. joe was like laying outside for a bit or something and i guess came in at some point. me and dylan went to my room. and he was trying to get me past my intimacy issues by making me initiate EVERYTHING! it was weird cuz i'm totally not used to it. but it was a cute little game. dylan's fun like that. =)
this morning i woke up early cuz i had to go to get my haircut. so i set the alarm for 10am. but first i woke up cuz brian knocked on my door around 8:30am to get his clothes and towel from my room. so i went to the door with the blanket around me. hehe reminded me of the time when dominic came to my door at like 5am when i was with tyson. not the same but the blanket was thing was the same. hehe then about an hour later he and joe were about to leave so they knocked to say goodbye. so i had to get dressed for that. all the while dylan was in bed. smashed up against the wall because i apparently boxed him in like all nite. i felt bad. i thought he had more room. i didn't realize. it was more that i just wanted to be close to him and so i think i inadvertantly shoved him against the wall. poor thing. i told him to roll over so i could see what it was like. it wasn't too fun. hehe i had a weird dream last nite too. i think the guy in it was supposed to be dylan but it wasn't. so it was weird. hmm....but, i got over my morning breath issues which was good. i totally didn't want to get up tho. i just wanted to lay there with dylan. finally he threw me out of bed at like 10:30. then he left and we kissed at the door. so i think i'm now over that issue. baby steps jen. baby steps. oh and last nite i was holding his hand a bit. hehe yes, baby steps. =) then i showered and headed over to omar's apt. that was fun. he was cutting some guy's hair and so as i waited, i helped fix up his flier that he wants to send out cuz he doesn't have good english. then he cut my hair and rebleached it. i like the cut. it's cute. he left the bleach in and gave me a plastic shower cap to keep it in so i could drive home with it and rinse it when i got home. that was hilarious to me. so now i have bleached roots with red streaks. so it's really weird looking. but it's sorta cool. i'm gonna keep it like this for a day and then redo the red. it'll match well cuz i'm going to the punk concert with tyler tonight. so i'll look all punky. man, he's coming at like 7. gotta get ready! he's never seen my house so that'll be fun to give him the tour.
oh yeah. i'm listening to a really great song by a local SF band. the band is called the stratford 4 and the song is called "rebecca." download it now!
getting my haircut tomorrow by omar at his house! how funny. he used to work at vous but he left and he's going to open his own hair salon in like two weeks. in the meantime we clients can either go get our hair at his place or he can come to us. so i'm going to his place tomorrow at noon to get my hair cut and rebleached. yay! it's in dire need. it's getting to long and stuff. it needs help!
just got back from partying. yeah, first thursday nite party for me in quite some time. i was soooo fucking tired tho that i was a party pooper. i totally didn't want to be there. the only reason i went was cuz everyone else wanted to go. not to mention, without me, rick, ky, and her friend tara wouldn't have ever made it there cuz they didn't know where it was. anyway, i just wasn't having fun. too tired to mingle. no one i cared to really mingle with anyway. not to mention the fact that i would feel weird chatting up some guy and getting his digits. not that i ever do that anyway! but still. whatever. there was some skank ho there grinding with all the guys. it was gross. she felt up ky's breasts too. sent my mind into shock for a second. me and tara were like, "umm yeah, we won't get up and be near this girl. or she'll get to us next." fucking hell! whatever. anyway, i'm super fucking tired. it's time to sleep!
still evaluating what to do with this blog. i talked to dylan about it all and that bastard (it's a term of endearment really...) knew everything so he didn't have to worry about whether i liked him! =P there i was worrying about whether or not he liked me. whether or not he was gay. and all along he's just like coasting cuz he knew what i was thinking. sheesh! anyway, so i'm not sure if i should continue to write shit in this about him. it wouldn't be the same if i didn't but at the same time it can't be my crutch. decisions, decisions.
on another note. i am not sappy yet. goodness gracious emily! and she is trying to take over my position as president of the club. it's my fucking club!! haha no usurping can be done here. NONE! and hells bells, he and i aren't even really dating yet. we haven't made any sort of commitment. so really, i should still be president of the club! =P
oh, i saw jeremy today. funny thing cuz i saw him and emily saw andy. jeremy was looking scruffy and tired. but that makes sense when it's like 9 something in the morning. dear god i hate my 8am class!! at least my impromptu wasn't today. anyway, i had totally forgotten that i told jeremy i liked him like the other week. how funny. we chatted a bit. he said he went to see unwritten law with andy. good for them. then emily saw andy later on in the day and said hi to him. cuz she knows who he is and sees him a lot since they live like 3 doors down. and she said she would said hi to him next time just so she didn't feel so awkward. so she did that. she said hi to him and that she knew who he was and that she was my friend. she said he got all red. she doesn't like his voice either. just like me. it's just too surferish. i can't handle that. he may be cute but he's not *that* cute. not enough to overcome flakiness and an annoying voice. haha now jeremy....haha actually his voice is sorta funky too. sorta higher in pitch. not the best voice for a boy but not entirely grating on the nerves like andy's.
anyway, i bought a lot of cd's today. first of all, i went to the interview at universal music. that was chill. the guy in charge is like totally chill. he's an SC grad. prolly only like 25. has earrings. wears converse shoes like me. that was neat. i dunno if i'll get the internship cuz i bet shitloads of ppl apply. there are 40 or so slots tho. so who knows. i'll find out in a month when he finishes all the interviews. after that i went to amoeba and got some cds. shameful jen. i'd have bought the whole fucking store if i had the money! then i went to tower cuz it was so close to the roxy. and i bought *another* cd! local SF band called the stratford 4. they sound cool. i dig it. then i went to the roxy to get the tickets for me and tyler to see slightly stoopid/pepper on saturday. he insists it will be a good show. i hope so! after that i went to melrose to get some new earrings. like body jewelry type earrings. good stuff. then nick called me as i was driving home. so he came over when i got home. and we chatted. also ky's friend tara is visiting. so she chatted with us too. i tried to help nick out with his girl issue. then ky came home. more talking occurred. there was talk of me going with ky and tara to dinner but i didn't in the end. i called up dylan and asked if he wanted to go but he has a paper to write. and i wasn't entirely sure i wanted to go out to dinner anyway. but ky thought it would be fun. oh well. tomorrow joe and brian come back to LA. joe called me today and said that they went to mexico for one day and then decided to leave and went to vegas. did that for one nite and are now at some lake on the border of nevada, arizona, and cali. lake havisu or something. anyway, they'll stay there tonight. then tomorrow they are coming back to LA to hang out with me. i think we will try to find some club to go to or something. who knows. perhaps i should invite dylan. otherwise i'm not sure when i will see him next. cuz saturday i think i am meeting my marketing group since our presentation is next week and we haven't really done much for it. and then saturday nite is the concert with tyler. then sunday i HAVE to study for finance. so yeah. fuck! no time!!! =(
ok so i just reread/skimmed all of my old entries just to see what dylan knows. i don't care that he knows that stuff. it's funny how he knows exactly when i started thinking about him and stuff. but what sucks now are the little things. like i noticed i wrote something about if we were dating i'd want him to do the cute romantic things that pertain to me. well fuck. now he's read that. so if he does that now, how will i know if he did that cuz i wrote that i like that, or because he geniunely would have done that. fuck. this blog *is* the death of me! whatever. anyway, i REALLY need to sleep. it'll be my luck cerling picks me for the impromptu and then i can't even like speak right! holy fucking shit.
DYLAN READS MY BLOG! he told me so tonight. he came over here and we were talking and he was a bit drunk. coherent but drunk. we were about to talk about my intimacy issues when he says, "so should i go first or you?" i was thinking, "what does he need to say???" then he tells me he's read my blog. the whole thing! holy fucking shit! i don't care that he has. it's just weird. i have to reread it all now to see what exactly i said. it's funny tho cuz he knows like everything about. completely everything. cuz i started this thing before i even knew him. he knows all about the boys i liked all at once. just everything. i don't have a problem with it and he doesn't seem to either. he thinks its great to be able to totally get into my head about this stuff. and whats great is that he's still here. he's still around despite this damned blog and despite my issues. and he assured me that he does like me so i don't have to worry. so i *will* get over the intimacy. cuz i am totally missing out on life. i just have to internalize all of this. when he left he kissed me on the neck/cheek which was completely fine with me cuz like i said, if someone initiates something with me, i'm cool with it. at least i think i am.
but i now have a different issue. this blog. now what do i do knowing that the boy i like is reading it? i mean, i always thought there was a chance that he or any of the other boys i liked was reading it. and i was fine with it. and even knowing that they read it wouldn't bother me. but my issue now is that if i know dylan reads this, then what if i use it as a crutch? like what if i subconsciously, or consciously, write shit in here that i want him to know and don't tell him personally cuz i know he'll just read it. i don't want that. or like me saying shit like if someone initiates stuff with me i'm ok with that. well, what if i'm not but he has read that i am? ugh! now i'm unclear on what to do about the way i structure the content of this blog. cuz this thing used to be an outlet in the way my real journal is. only ppl could read it. and that's totally fine. but now i just don't know. i'm going to have to think really hard about this and whatever i decide i'll tell dylan personally because i want him to know my reasoning for whatever the decision may be. altho he could just as easily read it! so see, already he's gonna know that. fuck. whatever. i'll deal with it later. i'm so tired and i have to wake up in like 4 fucking hours!!
phew! dylan understands me. he said he used to be like that. so i have room to change. thank god. =) i thought he would be like, "holy shit jen is weird." but he was ok with it. so we'll talk about it later. cuz i have a lot to say about it. but i didn't want to get into it over the fone just then. so yeah. and on tyler news, we are going to see some random punk band at the roxy on saturday. that'll be fun. cuz i rarely see tyler. we can try to take another photo since the other one turned out bad. and he can tell me about his gf issues. so good times. and when are joe and brian returning?? they must inform me!
ok. i have major intimacy issues. this is just no fucking good! like i realized that i have issues with being close to people even if i *do* know they like me. i used to think that i didn't want to hold guys' hands or be all touchy with them cuz i thought, "what if they don't like me and then they are like, 'why the hell are u doing that?'" but now i realize the problem extends even further. i know dylan likes me. it's not an issue. so why am i still all weird about this shit? last nite we went to see E.T. [on a quick sidenote. E.T. is not as cute and sad when you're 20 years old and tired. cuz i could see all the cheesiness and contrived emotions from the music and such.] anyway, so i went with dylan. he came over here first and the intent, i believe (i was soooo tired -- 2 hrs of sleep -- that the fone convo was a bit confusing to me) we were gonna go back to his place and watch a movie. but when he came i really wanted to see E.T. so we went to the 9:50pm showing in century city. so he hung out here first and we just talked a lot. i was so tired tho i was a bit worthless. i think i really shouldn't have pushed the E.T. thing cuz i was just so out of it. so we went. he has a nice old 1970 dark sea-foam green mustang. it felt weird to sit in cuz it's so low to the ground. anyway, we went to the movie. and already i could tell i was falling into my intimacy issues. cuz like i want to hold his hand. i want to lean on him during the movie. i want to kiss in public. etc. but i have such issues with initiating this sort of intimacy. yet of course when i'm drunk we can hook up! but like i think this initimacy fear stems from my childhood. from the fact that my parents who basically act like they aren't married and aren't attracted to each other anymore, never would hug and kiss in front of me. so i never saw that stuff. and they would rarely hug and kiss me too. we just weren't touchy feely in the slighest. so all my life i have been removed from that sort of interaction. and now it's playing out there. also, i am inherently scared of relationships. here i am lecturing walter on this when i can't do it myself! but i want one tho. so it's all fucked up. anyway, i feel really bad about last nite. and i hope dylan doesn't think i'm too weird and dismiss me. i have to talk to him about these issues of mine. and just get past them. cuz it's not like i don't want to be near him and whatnot. i just have to get past that initial barrier. i'm thinking that if i can talk to him about this and let him know what i'm thinking and feeling, i can then get over it. and literally, i'm thinking about like telling him my issues and then being like, "ok. now let me just do all the things that i feel weird about right now. get them out of the way so that i know for sure that u won't have issues with me doing this stuff." then literally like hold his hand. kiss him in public. put my arms around him. lean on him. etc. then once i *see* that he won't mind at all, my brain will finally accept it. cuz i mean, i know he won't. my brain knows that. but something is going on here from preventing me from doing it. row mike says its partially an insecurity issue. and indeed it is. insecurity of him potentially not liking what i'm doing. ludicrous as it may sound considering men love touching women. it's like a fundamental fact. so i must get over this "fear" and move on with my life. ky says to start touching ppl more in general. touch them when i talk. hug more. etc. just to get past this fear in it's entirety. this will be hard, but it is something i MUST do!
dashboard was just on KROQ!!! holy fucking shit!! at least i wasn't driving!! where is jessica to tell her??? this is no fucking good. now dashboard is gonna get big and it just won't be the same. =(
dude i'm so fucking tired. dylan is coming over soon and i'm soooo tired! i want to see E.T. but i dunno if that's gonna happen. poo. i think i aced my cinema quiz cuz it was the same as it was last yr when michael took it. hehe tyler still wants to chill. maybe this weekend. i dunno. man i'm fucking tired. i talked to walter for about 2 hrs today on the relationship matter. he's hopeless. worse than me. soooo picky! oh man i'm tired!!!
find a penny, pick it up, and all your day you'll have good luck...
i hope so! i had my presentation in 302 this morning at 8am! ugh. i got less than 2 hrs of sleep last nite (ie, this morning). but it went well. ppl said i did a good job. most importantly, cerling said i did a good job. so i'm happy. i was soooo nervous at points. my mouth got super dry. but whatever. apparently they couldn't tell! now i have this quiz for my cinema class that i must cram for since i didn't study at all. maybe it'll be like last year's cuz michael took that class and he kept his quiz. *crossing finger* and maybe the penny i found on the way to 302 will continue it's magic. it worked for my presentation. will it work for cinema?
joe and brian left before i got back from class. poo. i wanted to say goodbye. i assume they are returning on thursday or friday when they come back from mexico. we can all hang out then when i don't actually have shit to do. it sucked cuz i wanted to spend time with them yesterday but i couldn't cuz i was so freakin busy with my presentation. what goofy boys. i swear this is the most i've talked to brian ever. cuz in high school we didn't talk that much since he was always around john li and john would always talk a lot. but anyway. i called dylan last nite and we chatted a bit. he suggested we do something this week outside of the party setting. i was thinking the same but he brought it up first. i suppose that means he is interested to see this "thing" go further. so i proposed tonight we do something. we'll see how it goes. he said he might have too much work. i hope not. it would be fun. i like dylan. =) kyla did the deed of ending it with brandon last nite. good for her! she just didn't feel that brandon was who she thought he was. so it's over. and now we shall try for DA for her! =) i'm actually meeting walter today at 3pm. i'll try to sort of scout out the DA thing. it will fit in somewhat nicely cuz me and walter are gonna have our chat on fears of relationships. how cute. me and walter talking about this subject. good times. i'm super tired and sipping a cup of coffee in hopes of staying awake til at least like 4pm. eesh. is this doable? one can only hope! ok. back to cramming.
holy fucking shit. thank god i'm not lawrence and have to deal with a girl practically stalking me! this girl nikki is like constantly calling him and coming over. it's fucking ridiculous! this morning, she came over at like 7am!! then she returned around 10:30. like shit girl, get it together. don't fucking come over 20 times a day! and she just came over to get a cd from him. but he's got a paper to finish by 6pm so he gave me the cd to just give to her and not let her see him. dear god. she's insane! i bet i'll see her face at least 2 more times today!
in other news...joe and brian arrived around 9:30 this morning. we chatted a bit before i went to shower and they went out to do random stuff. i called up hillwood to get the recipe for chilimac. i talked to mr. grantz a bit who is so dif. he asked me if i was 21 yet. said when i come back to SF he'll buy me a drink! goodness gracious. NOT the mr. grantz i used to know. =) anyway, the recipe for chilimac is simple. canned chili, macaroni noodles, and chedder cheese. pretty fucking simple. me and joe can make that when he and brian come back later in the week. that'll be fun. we can spread the hillwood love. haha man, i have to finish this fucking persentation and study for my quiz. god, just shoot me now! =( and i wish i could see dylan but i have no time. i called him today and left a message on his cell fone. i was thinking about him a lot in class. i like him. i hope he doesn't just half-ass like me and want a non-commital thing. cuz that would blow.
and speaking of things that blow. i lost one half of my favorite pair of socks!!! =( i did my laundry and lost it somewhere along the way. and i also can't find one of my rings! it must be in this room somewhere but i dunno where. poo. anyway, back to work...
oscars are over. amelie didn't win for best foreign picture. poo. oh well. talked to dylan for like 40 min just now. how we manage to stay on the fone so long i still have no idea. but whatever. =) joe and brian are most likely coming tomorrow morning to stay here one day before going to mexico. then when they return from mexico on thursday or friday we will hang out. but they will crash here tomorrow which means i slightly have to entertain which sucks cuz i'm so busy! but it's ok cuz i haven't seen joe in awhile so it'll be fun. but hectic. tuesday is *the* worst day for me this week.
on another note. pat might have blocked me from his AIM list. i think things are now officially weird btwn him and my house. ky said she saw him and he didn't receive her well. and rick thinks pat is acting dif to him too! good god! if he blocked me, i'm so calling him on this shit. cuz there is no fucking need to do that. we are all rational young adults here. it's not like i pursued him further once rick told me he was indecisive. good fucking god! anyway, we'll find out. if ky or rick sees him online and he's not on my list, holy shit, hell will be had!
i'm reading another book (you just don't understand: women and men in conversation) to sort of supplement my 302 presentation. it's by the same author (deborah tannen) as my other book but this one is about the differences in conversation styles btwn men and women but not in a context specific area. like my original book is about convo difs btwn men and women in a work setting. this is about the difs in general. sort of more geared toward social and intimate relationships i guess. it talks about the asymmetry that occurs btwn men and women and how men assume the role of the protector in a relationship. i thought there was a particularly interesting part about how even when men and women lie in bed together there is this asymmetry in their physical alignments which represents how the man is the protector. tannen gives an example:
pg. 284
"when a woman and man lie down on a blanket or in bed, he typically lies on his back, flat and straight, while she lies on her side with her body curved and nestled against his. her head rests on his shoulder; his arm is around her. daily, men and women take these positions automatically, and their ritualized nature is a source of comfort; it feels right and good, partly because it is personally familiar, and partly because it mirrors a configuration we have seen countless times in pictures and in real life."
tannen then goes on to show a poem written by cheryl romney-brown about the recurrent image of a woman burying her face in the crook of a man's neck:
in the crook of the his neck
fine hairs on his shoulders gleam
like epaulets, reminding me of silk
mulberry threads penelope used
for tapestries spun waiting
for her hero to come home.
we, women, always long for men
to step out of a myth or a marlboro ad.
it begins all over again as he
caresses my back. i inhale the scent,
begin to relax. once more i become
a defenseless girl wanting only
to close my eyes, bury my head
in the crook of his neck.
how old was i the first time,
possibly three? it happened
when daddy came home. "please
hold me, protect me, werewolves
are out, their eyes burning hot.
if you don't i know i will die."
i closed my eyes, buried
my head in the crook of his neck.
when i was sixteen, ripe but pure,
down by the arbor on a hot summer night,
my first beau's lips brushed mine. "my hero,
your juliet's here." pink tulle bound
my heart. i closed my eyes, buried
my head in the crook of his neck.
i am a grown woman, mother of men.
experience fades; memory stills.
if only for a moment, i am saved.
my hero is here for maybe an hour,
willing to do battle, kill all my foes.
illusions, myths, whatever is true.
i close my eyes, bury my head
in the crook of his neck.
i liked that poem and those images. i do think it's true that men and women play these sorts of roles. the man walks on the outside of the women on the sidewalk. the man holds the women. tannen even mentions the way men and women walk down the street together. the man has his arm around the woman's shoulders and she has her arm around his waist. or the man has his hands in his pockets and she holds onto his arm. if the roles were reversed it would look so odd that the woman had her arm around the man's shoulder or that the man was clutching the woman's arm. anyway, i think this is very commen in society and u see it all the time and don't even notice really. it just seems natural because we do see it so much. ok, enough procrastination. =)
condoms are fun! me and ky just fooled around with our flavored condoms. extras that i didn't use on the outfit. they are quite tasty actually. =) we were blowing bubbles and stuff. she put it on her foot like a booty too. i took some photos of this random fun. hehe anything to avoid doing my presentation. =(
man o man this week is gonna be busy. 302 presentation and cinema 460 quiz on tuesday. also meeting walter at 3pm that day to talk about relationship fears. man, tuesday is a busy fucking day! thursday i have my interview for a universal music group summer internship. joe and brian from san francisco are coming like either thursday or friday. tyler wanted to do something. gosh, too much shit to do! and the oscars are tonight so i wanna watch that too. aaaaahhhhh!!!
i talked to dylan last nite. for like 2 hours or something. i don't even know how the time flies when we are talking. it's insane. cool, but insane. he called me cuz his roommate told him i called and left a message about the cake. so he called on his way back from seeing y tu mama tambien. he said it was good. it's about relationships and love triangles and shit like that. i can relate. so i wanna see it. i think ky and rick will come with me. anyway, i talked to dylan about relationships and hookups and stuff like that. we didn't discuss what we are or anything cuz really we have no idea. there is nothing to discuss yet. he apologized for not kissing me in the morning cuz he had bad morning breath and i assured him there was no way i was gonna kiss him either because of that very same thing. so it was just cute and funny in the end. =) dylan's cool. i like him. it's funny to think that like one week ago he was just some random guy who came to our party and sent me this random poem. now look. if this works out btwn us, i hope he's one of those cutely romantic ppl who like remembers shit that you say about yourself so that way he can do random stuff that's very specific to me. like he knows i like squares and mini cars and shit like that. so instead of bringing flowers or something, he makes something that pertains to what i like. or writes me another poem. u know, shit like that. i hate chocolates and flowers and teddy bears. such standard shit that ppl give. i'm not down with that. i like when there's thought involved. not money. anyway, that's totally jumping the gun. but oh, my birthday is coming up in less than a month! hehe if anything happens and if it even lasts that long! whatever. i won't even worry about shit like that now. anyway, i should work on this fucker of a presentation. i am gonna be SOOOOO nervous and red and shit. ugh. i want this semester to end!!!
hmmm...the ky and brandon situation is not as we all thought it would be. i shant get into the details as that is her own personal issue, but i will just say that brandon is not what we thought he was. he was either not be upfront and real to begin with, or he changed his mind somewhere down the line and purposely decided not to include kyla in the discussion. in any case, we are not pleased with this behavior and i personally am now doubting a lot more boys at this moment. i mean dylan, what if he is like brandon? i dunno where this is going with him anyway. but let's say we start dating. i mean, what if this is a brandon situation and he isn't upfront? or what if he changes his mind and doesn't tell me? are all boys like this? surely they all aren't, but now i question whether more boys are like this than i think! cuz i didn't expect this from brandon at all. he was the prince who did no wrong at first. good lord were we mistaken! ky says to tell dylan the entire story now and see how he reacts. cuz that will clue me into his thinking. at least a little. so yeah. i called him and left a message. i dunno where he is. god, what is he doesn't really like me that much and doesn't want a relationship like all other boys? what is he is just using me? what if i was just a hookup? i guess i won't be totally crushed cuz i mean, i've heard that line a lot of times. i won't like it at all since i'm definitely starting to like him. but fuck. whatever. it's so routine in my life that i expect nothing more. and if something more happens, then it's a plus. so yeah. who the hell knows. i'll just wait and see.
in the meantime, i will be trying to help out emily and kyla. god, look at this. we can't all ever be up! freakin eh! i'll help emily once she finds a prospect. ky is moving onto DA and i promised to help her. it's easier when we are friends and whatnot. and also that she has an actual specific perspective. i just feel bad for her now cuz i can tell that she's being strong about this brandon thing but really i see that she's completely disappointed by it all. i mean granted she knew it wasn't all it was cracked up to be at first and that it would end when summer came. i mean she was already setting her sights on DA. but she seems definitely disappointed by his actions and inability to tell what he's really thinking and feeling. and that sucks. it's never fun to see that someone has just sort of decided to not care as much. or just never did in the first place. but she's strong and she'll get through this. and i'll help her with DA and hopefully all will be well. she lamented the same words that emily did not long ago which was, "oh no. you're not gonna go partying anymore." but i assured her as i did emily that i will continue to do so. this is all assuming that dylan and i start dating anyway. but if we do, he likes to party anyway. so we can just go party together. that'll be fun. so yeah. no worries to emily and ky. i'll still be out there partying with the best of ya! and if dylan and i don't start dating, then look out world, jen's on the prowl once more! =)
i like dylan. he's great. last nite was super fun! tim's bar party was loaded with people. the night started off all funky cuz my outfit didn't totally work out. it was a top and skirt made of condoms, much like the beer dress. but the skirt wouldn't stay that well at first and the top was hitting my underarms. all these ppl were over and it was a mess. anyway, finally we got it working decently, altho i knew at some point the skirt would fall off. but i had a black skirt underneath so it wasn't that bad. there was also some tension btwn kyla and brandon and deanu. but we finally got to the party around 11. i spotted dylan right away! he looked as i remembered except taller. =) we hugged. meanwhile i ran into a bunch of ppl i knew who loved my outfit including DA and walter. oh such cute boys. =) and kari had this neat outfit on with caution tape so i took a foto with her. anyway, so i saw dylan and then told him i needed alcohol. so i went inside and followed ky and emily who had made their way in already. on the way all these random ppl made comments on my outfit and how much they liked it. that was awesome. there were some cute boys there and they liked it and i was like, hmmm... hehe but then i was like, no no jen. dylan. dylan. dylan! =) so i got to the bar and got a shot from tim. this would not be enough alcohol tho. so i chatted with some ppl and then dylan came by. basically i spent most of the nite with him. we went and got me a mixed drink. then there was a lot of random walking around and chatting. emily was avoiding jim and trying to find a guy but to no success. she still had issues with jim which sucked. kyla was having issues with brandon cuz he was being sort of a party pooper and also DA was there and she likes him and that was a mess. she was with DA and walter a lot last nite. they are fun boys. they were also with this kid brian who lives below them and he's got like lots of piercings and dyed hair. i used to think he was cute but whatever. i think he's too over the top with his shit. he does have a tongue ring tho! ooh la la. anyway, as the nite progressed, i got more and more drunk off of random shots. and so did kyla. at one point, all of us were in this one room with danci