And so it was that Diamond Cascade stepped forth into the sunlight from the terrible ruin of once-great Mektropika to find the armies of the dragons awaiting. The vile dark dwarves of Durmijeron and treacherous Evilous, demanding the orb for their own; yet as Diamond Cascade plucked a first arrow  against the numberless hordes, who should appear but the sultry shape of copper-skin, the half-dragon sorceress, with Wolfgirl and valiant Caleb and more of those who Diamond Cascade had once known, demanding the orb be turned to her; yet barely were the words from her mouth when the ground heaved and from the sands rose the dark elves of the drow, their demand silent, their cause unknown, their desire the same.

And so Diamond Cascade drew his sword, for perhaps the last time, and swore that none of them should have it.

Oh. Bloody. Hell.

To be continued?

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And so Diamond Cascade took from the ancient emperor’s tomb the arcane bells of summoning to call the mighty dragon-orb from its hiding place across the places, and with his companions, he did traipse all the way back through many a crumbling room and corridor, littered with the bones of the vile undead he had slaughtered. And lo, they did reach the terrible Chamber Of Summoning, and did ring the ancient bells, and with a mighty thunderclap, the Dragon Orb was claimed, and the task of ending the terrible rule of the dragons was begun!

Yes, another perfectly normal summoning-an-ancient-artefact-from-another-plane ritual done and dusted. Just another day in the crazy life of a bard with a thing for a half-dragon. It is, I’m perfectly sure, quite normal to have a wizard and a priest who are working for the other side watching in . . . no, wait, that implies we know what side we’re working for. It’s perfectly normal for half the group to be reading the minds of the other half, waiting for whichever one of them is going to try and make off with said artefact for themselves first. It’s quite usual for at least two of the summoning parties to have, in fact, made a previous deal with said wizard and priest to exchange said artefact for a large sum of money.

I understand it to be quite normal for this sort of thing to be done with no plan whatsoever as to what will be done with said artefact after it’s been acquired. I mean, it’s normal, right, to go get something like this for the sake of getting it and having it and drooling about the imaginary piles of gold that we’ll get for selling it. That’s normal right. Right?

I guess we’ll find out when we get outside. If I’m not the one carrying the orb, that’s me showing my trust and faith in my companions, that is. It’s not that carrying the orb feels like having cross-hairs painted all over me at all. No no . . .

NEXT WEEK: THE END (PART TWO)

Diamond Cascade: The End (Part Two)

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So, anyway, if a hypothetical person happened to acquire an ancient crown that’s spent the last five hundred years sitting on the head of an ancient mummy that’s infested with mummy rot, would that hypothetical person maybe also acquire said mummy rot from picking up said crown. Turns out the answer is yes, he the hypothetical person would.

Not that I’d know any such hypothetical person. Or anything about any crown that, after all, vanished into a watery abyss never to be seen again, right. I’m a bard. Bards know these things.

Oh Shittyshittyfuckfuckbugger. How much was it for a Remove Curse spell again?

NEXT WEEK: THE END (PART ONE)

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Apparently one of the elf-wizards set fire to the mummy while it was trying to get back into its tomb and it burned and then fell into the water. Apparently the other one got whacked while trying to dash in and steal the crown off its head. Apparently we now need a remove curse spell. See – this is what you get – take the mummy down, then steal its crown, you don’t get mummy rot. Try and nick it’s stuff while everyone else is trying to battle it, you do get mummy rot. Also, turns out that all companions within 30′ have to make a fortitude save not to be helpless with laughter for 1d6+2 rounds.

In the aftermath, as everyone struggled to get back across the water-filled crevasse, no one shifted themselves into an aquatic elf to dive into the murky depths and go stealing the mummy’s crown. Nothing like that happened at all. No one even thought of it. And if they did, it wasn’t me, because I was back inside the tomb looking to see if I’d missed any loot the first time round.

NEXT WEEK: IRONY DOES X3 ON A CRITICAL, RIGHT?

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Finally, Diamond Cascade did step alone within the cursed tomb to face the ancient undead Emperor of Mektropika and his cursed minions, riven by the wrath of Umberlee for their hubris and changed into hideous creatures scarcely discernible now as human. Swathed in dry and flaking bandages, embalmed in arcane unguents, the Emperor and his minions rose to defend the sorcerous bells that would release the Dragon Orb from its hidden place. Mighty was Diamond Cascade’s sword as he faced these vile abominations alone, fearful for the lives of his fragile comrades. Swift and deadly was his bow as he cut the emperor’s minions down; yet even he could not face the deadly monster alone. With every ounce of might, of sword and arrow and spell, Diamond Cascade and his companions fought, and did finally emerge victorious; and thus, the last emperor of this ancient realm finally fell.

Ish. So the tomb was split in two by a gaping chasm filled with water, and there were undead nasties pretty much all over the place, and none of that was much cause for concern for those of us who could fly and shoot arrows into the helpless slobbering morass of monsters below, maybe a little bit more for those who, ah, couldn’t. Let every record of this adventure state that I went ahead alone purely in the knowledge of the advantages at my disposal, and did not in any way shape or form relate to any desire to sneak into the Emperor’s tomb, swipe the magic bells needed to summon back the orb and sneak out again without being seen by either friend or foe…

Sadly, the tomb of the emperor itself was not as large and spacious as hoped for, and the highly successful tactic of fly out of reach and shoot stuff was replaced by the cling-precariously-to-the-ceiling-just-out-of-mummy’s-reach-and-wonder-what-to-do tactic. Still, with a bit of help from a flying, elf, it sort of worked, in that the Emperor’s Tomb had this weird pay-for-entry rotating door thing, and with the two of us flying and spider-climbing out of reach and with judicious use of some rope and a grappling hook lodged in its bandages, we managed to get it to the door and rotate the mummy out of his own tomb.

Possibly into the unsuspecting hands of my brave companions; but that is mere speculation, as I was too busy with the essential work of looting the tomb . . . ah, acquiring the necessary items for the summoning ritual we were to perform. They were all mostly still alive and the mummy was gone by the time I got out, so how bad could it have been?

NEXT WEEK: ONWARDS!

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So this is it. The ending of an epic story, coming right up, in which the heroic Diamond Cascade and a bunch of supporting characters who, along with the truth of what actually happened along the way, have never been allowed to get in the way of a good story. Well, I say a good story, I mean a good for me story, as in one in which I, Diamond Cascade, get to look great and noble and heroic and also deadly, brooding and highly desirable to all passing fair ladies. We stand poised on the brink of a finale. The great and powerful artefact that will bring peace to the Karibia is within reach. All that stands in our way is a terrible and vengeful spirit from beyond the grave and his minions. Characters from my past have returned, friends and enemies both. Villains have been defeated, mighty victory or terrible defeat lie before us, and if we’re not ambushed by a last twist in the tale if and when we escape, I’ll eat my Story-Telling for Beginners manual.

And if there is a victory, the story will end something like this: And thus did Diamond Cascade free the Dragon-Orb from its prison and cast the evil dragon away into the void, never to return again, and the people of Karibia rejoiced and were free and lived happily ever after. And when we get to that bit in a few chapters time, consider these few things: Were the people really so free, ruled by one dragon instead of fought for by two? Was choosing the side with the most attractive secondary character really a valid way to decide the destiny of an entire continent? How long, exactly, is Diamond Cascade going to hang on to that all-powerful orb before sixty thousand million sword-swinging magic-blot-firing NPCs descend on him, some of them probably sponsored by the very dragon he catapulted to power. Is there such a thing as a good dragon? Can such a conflict evert truly be resolved? And, come to that, how exactly does ordering a ten-thousand year old dragon to piss off my island work? Will there really be no collateral damage?

Fortunately, I have a negative wisdom modifier. So mostly what I’m worrying about is how much money I can make selling tickets to the greatest show ever: Celebrity Dragon Deathmatch! In a Cage!

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…Yet before Diamond Cascade could enter the cursed tomb, who should appear but the renegade villain Durmijeron with his legion of dark minions! Long and hard they fought, Diamond Cascade cleaving the wicked ones left and right. Terrible was the slaughter, yet when ity was done, the foul dwarf lay dead while his hired minions lay bleeding and pleading for mercy around him. Once more, good triumphed over evil, as good always does.

In the words of Wizard Daftboy:
“Great…..lets see….a big flash of light that blinds most of the party…..the rogue disappears…….a failed diplomacy check……Diamond Cascade bouncing off the top of the ceiling like a discarded party balloon……lots of sticky web everywhere…..lots of shouting from the blind elf with bodies falling like leaves around him…..said blind elf falling flat on his face…..a lizard with a large flaming sword…..dwarves on steriods……And finally my lights been punched out by one of said dwarves….NICE…it could be worse though I could be at home having a nice cup of witches brew and reading the adventures of ‘Gollum the missing years’….”

So we end with a little stand-off, me and some wizard, him with his finger on the trigger of a fireball spell, me with two arrows aimed at his black heart. And then it dawns on both of us that we’ve met before – this is the very wizard who once long ago set us off on that first quest for batshit. I could shoot him just for that, I really could. But then he fireballs the dwarves, because let’s face it, there’s only so many racial slurs an elf can take, and we’re all friends. Sort of. Well, friends insofar as we all agree not to kill each other just yet and have nothing further to do with each other. Which is pretty much how the rest of this band of avdenturers works. Don’t know why he didn’t just tag along, really.

I wonder if we’ll see him again. Can’t help this little suspicion that we might, just as soon as we emerge with the dragon-orb… Or someone else…

PS: Note for hammer wielding dwarves: When up against a flying archer, bring ranged weapons. Otherwise you look really, really stupid. Oh how I love my Alter Self spell.

NEXT WEEK: AH, SO THAT’S WHY THE WIZARD DIDN’T WANT TO HANG WITH US.

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Deeper and deeper into the lost citadel of Mektropica delved Diamond Cascade and his noble elven companions. Slowly they unlocked the secret of releasing the great Dragon Orb – three bells of mighty magical power to be rung at once, yet of the bells there was no sign. Great sorceries unleashed would not reveal them, hidden as they were by the ancient powers of long forgotten gods and the dire curse of Umberlee. Yet Diamond Cascade and his friends would not veer from their purpose to restore peace to the land. They sought the shade of the high priest to this once all-powerful empire and summoned him forth. Great were the temptations offered, refused one and all as one by one, virtuous Diamond Cascade wrung the secrets of this desolate place out of the shifty shade. For the great bells were learned to lie within a crypt, the cursed crypt of the last Emperor . . .!

Yeah . . . went a bit like that. Bit. Look, you just have to accept some bardic licence here. Particularly with words like ‘virtuous’ and ‘wrung’ and ’shifty’. And yes, maybe the only reason we didn’t jump at the offer of taking one thing, anything we liked, from the untouched treasury of THE RICHEST EMPIRE EVER in return for never coming back is that we rather fancied the idea of coming back and taking the lot. Maybe.

It is also possible that we might have agreed to all go and build temples to the “shifty shade”’s god. Given that his god was the god of money, it was kind of an ‘ah well, we’re all already worshipping at that particular altar anyway – might as well wear the badge’ kind of thing.

That and we had absolutelty no clue whatsoever where those bloody bells were and nor were we ever going to find one.

At some point, I suppose someone should give some thought as to what we’re going to do with the bloody Dragon Orb once we’ve got it. I’m not even sure whether these eleves even realise that’s what it is we’re looking for down here.

NEXT WEEK: YOU? AGAIN?

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And Diamond Cascade and his heroic fellows did wander and wander. And wander. And wander. Aimlessly did they wander, through all possible doors and passages. And bicker they did too, and epic was their bickering, for few were their remaining spells, and lo, it was not possible for the elven mages to go for five minutes without suggesting a long rest while they might recover their energies, and great was their resentment at being summarily ignored, and many were their told-you-so remarks as yet another vagrant posse of undead nightmares did descend upon Diamond Cascade, and much did the elven mages wave their hands and gesticulate, and yet remarkably little was the arcane power unleashed. And mightily did Diamond Cascade and his fellows bollocks up their map and wander around in circles and completely miss the one door that went somewhere useful, and thus it was that Diamond Cascade was pretty much ready to jack it all in and give up and take up farming when they did finally stumble upon a ghostly figure that, most unusually, did not want to eat his brains.

NEXT WEEK: YOU AGREED TO WHAT?

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101 Things to Know About Elves Number 15: Apparently blind elven monster-hunters can be remarkably forgetful about exactly where they get all their cure spells.

NEXT WEEK: UM…?

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