Writing to a deadline
The clock is tickingApril 11th, 201225 days to go.I’m on board!
March 2012 S M T W T F S « Feb 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Insanity is all about this:
First Page Critique
This is the most recent version of the first page of HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT.
This is a temporary page, part of Critique challenge posted by Jamie Ayres
If you have any comments on my first page below, please feel free to let me know!
“I’m not going to sit here locked in a closet all day.” Magellan pulled away from his mother, leaving his whimpering brothers and sisters clinging to her skirts.
“Magellan, come back here.”
“No. I wanna hear Dad’s speech.” He brushed back a few stray blonde hairs from his eyes and pressed his forehead against a large crack in the old-fashioned wooden door to peek through. Sconces lit the long stone hallway that led to the auditorium. Their light flickered softly, casting shadows along the empty corridor. Magellan wondered why anyone would use flames to light a passageway. It seemed so archaic.
Magellan gasped as a metal bar entered his field of view. It crashed against the door, buckling the degraded wood, slamming it into his face.
“Get back mine scum!” a gruff voice ordered.
Magellan fell backward and rubbed his brow. “Ouch! Jerk.”
The guard stomped away, and Magellan’s mother dabbed his forehead with the edge of her dress. “Gellan, your father said…”
“I know what he said.” Magellan turned from her, and placed his hand on the door. “Right before they locked us in here.” He flicked a spider the size of his hand from the damp stone wall beside him. “I’m not a baby anymore. I want to help.”
It had to be mid-morning by now, and his father would be well into his speech. They’d arrived on planet Castillia just before sunrise, but within minutes everyone but his father was locked in this holding cell. His father said to stay put, but they’d been there for nearly three hours. Magellan had never been very good at sitting still.
10 Responses to First Page Critique
I like Magellan already! Great opening scene that introduces the conflict, and I like the descriptions of the flickering sconces and the shadows in the long stone hallway. Since the story is set in a world with interplanetary travel, this brings up all kinds of interesting questions that makes me want to read on.
I do like Magellan’s opening line, but maybe try setting the scene before having the character’s talk? Starting the piece with:
‘Magellan pressed his forehead against a large crack in the old-fashioned wooden door to peek through…’
might be a way to do that.
I like the dialogue a lot though. I can just hear Magellan’s mother chastising him.
Nice work, and I’d love to see more!
Another planet! I wasn’t expecting that – nice job! I love that Magellan has spunk, and I have all sorts of questions that would keep me reading.
As others have said, I’d love to know what Magellan thinks about Castillia and about the spider as big as his hand, etc. Have you considered writing this story in first person pov? I write in first person so that I can know everything my MC is thinking, but of course, that’s just a suggestion.
I wish you the best of luck!
I enjoyed it. Nothing struck me as awkward phrasing, it all read smoothly. I’m intrigued by the premise, which is good. My only suggestion would be to maybe add some internal thoughts and emotional/visceral reactions for Magellan–I’d like a little peek into his head to know what he’s thinking and feeling here to pull me in even more and relate to him. Great first page!
I really liked this!
Blonde is only for girls. Use blond for boys.
How old is he? That would determine whether or not archaic fits.
“Get back mine scum! There should be a comma between back and mine.
I would delete this line – “Right before they locked us in here.” since we’re told this again in the next paragraph.
I would definitely keep on reading.
Wow, Jen, this is sooo much better than the other versions I’ve read. I did think the word ‘archaic’ sounded weird coming from Magellan. Maybe something like ‘old fashioned’ or “outdated”. Otherwise, I’m hooked…again!
Good job bringing in a lot of conflict right away. I already feel invested in the story and want to read more.
The only part that I question is the archaic line about the sconces. If it is Magellan looking out, would he really be thinking of a word like archaic? Just a nit picky little thought…up to you.
Very gripping opening. I thought it might be fantasy till I heard they were on another planet.
Pingback: First Page Critiques « Jamie Ayres
Oh, wow! Another planet? I was thinking Nazi Germany up until that point & you surprised me:) Funny . . . b/c I recently had 2 story ideas that involved other planets, which is unusual for me! I think it’s well written, & I love Megellan’s gusto (did you mean to make his name a play on words like the GPS device since he’s traveling?). Anyways, I thought maybe his name was mentioned maybe one too many times on the first page . . . kinda felt like you were hitting me over the head with it. But maybe that’s good b/c we’ll remember his name now:) ~Great job! I’ll change your link on my blog to take them straight to here. I didn’t see it at first. Hopefully you get some good feedback:):)
Thanks, Jamie. I actually just posted it… I am running a little late. I was busy digging mats out of my dog’s coat. Ugh… what was I thinking getting a poodle?