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Search now on for those who prayed for Muamba’s collapse in the first place

spacer With concern for Fabrice Muamba’s welfare subsiding, the police have formally announced that the search is already underway for those who must have prayed that he suddenly collapse with a heart condition in order for it to happen in the first place.

‘Now that the prayers of the nation have done their job in assisting the hospital’s otherwise ineffective doctors, nurses, paramedics and sophisticated intensive care apparatus, it’s time to turn our attention to catching those who prayed for Muamba’s near-fatal collapse.’ said Detective Inspector Simon Rogers, heading up the investigation.

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News In Brief

Mitchell and Coren admit they tried announcing engagement ‘for months’

‘We first announced it with a double page heiroglyphic spread in the Christmas edition of Barker’s Confundulum. I know we’re not exactly Posh and Becks but we were disappointed not to get even one congratulatory sonnet,’ he said.

Looters divided over Sunday shopping laws

‘The great thing is that supermarkets and big stores will be able to open,’ points out Winston Perks,19, who has studied Osborne’s plan. ‘So you’re not just confined to little corner shops or Tesco Express. But for obvious reasons it’s important that shops stay open well after dark.’

Riots break out in Trumpton over fire station closure

spacer Violence erupted in the sleepy backwater of Trumpton last night following the announcement that the fire station would be closed and services provided by Fireman Sam Plc from CBBC. Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub are being offered new terms of pay and conditions if they move stations, but Captain Flack will have to take early retirement.

New Archbishop to be chosen via TV variety show, Bishops Got Talent

spacer ‘It’s high time people got to choose their Archbishop according to who can perform the best song and dance routine,’ said executive producer Simon Cowell. ‘I’m no theologian but I’m pretty sure it’s what Jesus would have wanted.’

Massive hippopotamus and teeny little bird hail ‘essential relationship’

spacer A massive hippopotamus and a teeny tiny little bird have hailed their ‘unique and essential relationship’, during a three-day visit to the hippopotamus’s backside by the bird this week. In a joint article for the Okavango Delta Post, the two creatures said ‘the world counts on our alliance’.

Tom Atkinson, 8, ‘failing to prepare adequately’ for summer 2012 Egg & Spoon race

spacer Young Tom Atkinson, one of this summer’s best prospects for a gold ribbon at a leading Horwich primary school’s Sports Day, has been slammed by coach and father Alan, 38, for lacking focus and allowing distractions to come between him and the coveted first prize slot.

Costa ‘loyalty’ card holder visited rival cafe

spacer A Woking man who used a loyalty card to obtain discount cups of coffee from his local Costa coffee shop has been branded a ‘shameless coffee whore’ by store manager Brad Fuller after being spotted drinking coffee in a rival coffee house.

Wardrobe inspector quits after beating from jealous husband

spacer Britain’s only wardrobe inspector has announced that he is hanging up his tapping gloves after the ‘umpteenth’ beating from a jealous husband left him with several fractured ribs and serious facial injuries.

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