My Technicolour World
March 1st, 2012
In which Tony finds a novel way of describing a dream sequence.
Given that the subjects of Band Managers and Elvis Presley had been at the forefront of my thoughts recently, it was only natural that both would infiltrate my dreams. Natural for me anyway, which admittedly isn’t particularly natural.
I was going to relate last night’s nocturnal madness here, but then I remembered how tedious it was listening to other people’s dreams. And if it was tedious listening to theirs, it was likely to be more so listening to mine. So I thought of another way of describing it, as I know you have the attention span of gnats.
You are about to leave the black and white confines of this interminable journal and enter a new, technicolour world peopled with extraordinary characters and talking inanimate objects. A bit like The Wizard Of Oz, but not as plausible. Are you ready? Then let’s begin..
When I came back with the drinks, poor Elvis was distraught. But by then, I was waking up and returning to my black and white world. I remembered that the ghost of Elvis Presley didn’t really roam the earth and that potatoes, with a few exceptions, don’t make good band managers.
Categories: George Lyttleton, Band Manager | Tags: funny blog, laflamme, lyttleton, music business, satirical fiction | No Comments
Elvis, The Colonel And Me
February 23rd, 2012
In which Tony explains the tenuous thread that links him to The King and The Colonel.
My previous post, George Lyttleton Band Manager: The Early Years, elicited some of the most imaginative comments I have ever read.
“I’m not sure where you get your information, but great post!”
“Very Informative. I’m wondering why the other experts in this sector do not understand this.”
“You say so, but then Erasmus spoke from both sides of his mouth. Thanks for posting!”
Despite being Dali-esque in their freeform association of gibberish, I was delighted that I had given joy to so many with what was, after all, a very simple tale about having grown a band manager from seed.
Even though I wondered how the subject of band managers and rusks could be considered ‘informative,’ and just what sector we were dealing with, I decided that a compliment was a compliment, no matter how deranged. I wasn’t even put off when The Admiral suggested somewhat unkindly that the messengers hadn’t read the piece, and were instead trying to solicit links to an Asiatic cartel. Rather, I believed I had been an inspiration to Dadaists across the globe, and avowed to continue writing my journal if only to encourage the spread of Merz.
However, I was awestruck when I read the following response:
“Was Parker a great manager? I don’t know. Some people said he did a lot of great things for Elvis, got him into Vegas and Hollywood. But the Colonel lost $1m in one night in Vegas, and Elvis hated those stupid films. Then Parker robbed the world of an Elvis tour because he didn’t have a US Passport and wouldn’t be allowed back in. No, I believe Parker took advantage of Elvis and robbed the world of seeing the greatest entertainer/singer/performer in history.”
This judge and jury of all things Parker had chosen my journal to deliver this impassioned critique. No matter that I hadn’t mentioned Colonel Tom or Elvis – everyone writes a non sequitur of colossal proportions from time to time – it was a glorious rant. He was clearly a waffler of some standing and his reasoned but unrequested argument was taking Merz to a new level.
I considered asking for more of the messenger’s opinions on the Colonel and Elvis, and even inviting him to write this journal, but only in the three seconds it took me to find the delete key.
Categories: George Lyttleton, Band Manager | Tags: admiral, band managers, funny blog, lyttleton, satirical fiction | 1 Comment
George Lyttleton, Band Manager: The Early Years
February 10th, 2012
It all started when I saw this advert in a Marvel comic. I was young and didn’t really know what I was doing. I just thought it might be nice to have a band manager around the house.
For a while it was actually kind of cool. I called the little guy George and made sure he got enough rusks. Soon I started taking him out to gigs and people would come up to us making conversation. It was a pretty good way of meeting girls.
But they grow up so fast. Just like the advert said, it was only a few months before he was going to gigs on his own and signing bands he couldn’t possibly help. And the bands didn’t know any better, they just saw a guy they thought was going to make them stars. But I saw the reality. And it frightened me.
I bought him a guitar to try and encourage his interest in music and, to give him his due, he did actually strut around the house with it and strike poses in front of the mirror. But then he tried playing it and I knew we were in trouble. He had no musical talent, and without that he would make an ideal band manager.
Now he’s out there signing god-knows-who and promising all kinds of things to unwary wannabes. I feel terribly guilty about the whole situation. But what can I do? When I first sent away for the seeds I had no idea just what they meant by ‘gibbering assholes.’
Categories: George Lyttleton, Band Manager | Tags: funny blog, lyttleton, music business, satirical fiction | 2 Comments
What’s So Funny?
February 8th, 2012
In an unusual twist, Sir Fred Godalming asks a question that Tony is more accustomed to asking others. At least this time Boaks is the one laughing.
“What’s so funny?” said Sir Fred, after declaring himself the ‘Blofeld of Banking.’
“Nothing, I suppose,” I said, with tears running down my legs. “But you might want to reconsider that title before attending the Conference for Failed Bankers Turned Criminal Masterminds.”
“Too aggressive?” he said.
“I imagine there may be stiff competition for the title,” I replied. “Certainly in those circles. You can at least expect a challenge from Bernard Madolph.” I knew that although Madolph was serving time, he used a body double to allow him to attend such key events in the criminal masterminds’ diary.
“You could be right,” said Sir Fred. “Bernard has never forgiven me for amassing my fortune without breaking the law. Although I don’t think he has any real claim to the title as he’s not technically a banker.”
“He’s hardly a mastermind either. He got caught.”
“He’s technically a criminal though. 150 years in Pentonville State is fairly conclusive.”
“That’s only two out of four.”
“Yes,” said Sir Fred. “But he deserves extra points for outstanding effort.” Godalming was right. It takes a monumental force of will to sustain an $80bn fraud over 30 years.
“In any event,” I said, “you should probably be focussing on your speech. Have you planned anything?”
“Only the announcement of my new underground operation,” he replied. “I expect it to raise eyebrows, and in Bernard’s case, probably much more.”
“Yes,” I said. “It won’t just be the competition that’s stiff.”
Categories: The Further Adventures Of Sir Fred | Tags: funny blog, godalming, satirical fiction, sir fred | No Comments
Sir Fred And The Weight Of Public Opinion
February 4th, 2012
In which Tony continues his assignment for the self-professed ‘Blofeld of Banking,’ Sir Fred Godalming.
It was midnight, and Sir Fred seemed agitated when he rose from his crate of earth.
“I can’t believe this government,” he said. “They thought they were bowing to the weight of public opinion by rescinding my knighthood. But they’re so spectacularly out of touch with public opinion, the very act of rescindment has shifted it in my favour.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” I asked.
“It might be if I cared,” he replied. “You forget that, although I may have no formal banking qualifications of my own, I’ve spent a great deal of time around bankers. And since when do they give a toss about public opinion?”
He had a point. If the bankers ever listened to public opinion, most would be beating themselves with wet fish – the alternative to banker bonuses preferred by the general public.
“But the fact is, Tony,” he continued, “I’m finding all this to be quite a distraction. How can I be expected to expand my evil empire with public opinion behind me? Do you think Blofeld had widespread public sympathy when he was intent on world domination?”
“Well,” I replied, “maybe if you suggest you’d like to be known as the Blofeld of Banking from now on, it might redress the balance.”
Categories: The Further Adventures Of Sir Fred | Tags: funny blog, godalming, satirical fiction, sir fred | No Comments
Sir Fred Fights Back
February 2nd, 2012
In which Sir Fred Godalming is defiant in the face of losing his knighthood.
I was nearing the completion of Sir Fred’s assignment when I heard the news. Clearly, being stripped of a knighthood was not something that happened every day, at least not to me, and I wondered how the failed banker turned criminal mastermind would take it.
“Evening, Fred,” I said with a slight snigger, when he arrived as usual at midnight.
“It’s still Sir Fred,” he said defiantly. “I had my name changed by deed poll some years ago. You think I didn’t see this moment coming?”
“That was good thinking,” I replied.
“Unfortunately, they’ve also stripped me of my deed poll.”
“Ah.”
“However, this is a mere technicality. Under Scots Law, all that’s required for a name change is to be registered with a physician and an orthodontist under said name. I’ve had my doctor and dentist address me as ‘Sir’ for years. Long before I was knighted, in fact.”
“I suppose if your doctor and dentist call you ‘Sir’ it must be true.”
“Exactly,” he replied. “And I still have a medal, which I have to say compliments my pyjamas beautifully. They can’t take that away from me. Anyway, on to more pressing matters. Now my real work can begin.”
“Do we have a name for this new organisation?” I asked, referring to the underground bank he was starting with Bernard Madolph.
“Yes,” he said. “We’re going to call it Bear Stearns.”
“Bear Stearns?” I replied. “Isn’t that name already taken?”
“That’s the beauty of it,” he said. “Nobody will notice this way.”
I had to admire his ingenuity. Clearly this type of thinking was what had propelled him to the top of his profession, even if it had propelled him straight back down again.
Categories: The Further Adventures Of Sir Fred | Tags: funny blog, godalming, satirical fiction, sir fred | No Comments
Sir Fred Rides Again
January 30th, 2012
After a thinly disguised Sir Fred Godalming appeared at Tony’s door introducing himself as ‘Mr. Smith,’ Tony was engaged to produce designs for his new underground banking venture.
Sir Fred insisted I work on the new designs only between the hours of midnight and 6 am. There was to be no deviation from this timetable. After a week of working nights I was starting to feel like a real graphic designer.
Godalming was cagey about what information he provided throughout the week, but each night he let his guard down a little further. During night one, he suggested I call him Fred and on night two he admitted Smith wasn’t his real name. On night three, when he said his real name was Montezuma, I reminded him the name on his cheque was Godalming. He told me that was a stage name.
On night four he said he’d changed his stage name to Carlos The Jackal Santini and later that he’d retired from the stage. But by night five he’d given up all pretence of not being Sir Fred Godalming – which was a relief as I was ready to start calling him Mr. Twat.
Categories: The Further Adventures Of Sir Fred | Tags: funny blog, godalming, satirical fiction, sir fred | No Comments
Sir Fred Breaks His Silence
January 14th, 2012
In which Tony provides a brief recap of the Sir Fred story for the uninitiated, prior to suffering further encounters with the failed banker turned criminal mastermind.
It had been a while since I’d heard from Sir Fred. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing and in retrospect I should have simply enjoyed the silence. But I suppose it was only a matter of time before he resurfaced, given that I appear to be a popular choice of stooge amongst banking lowlife.
To recap, Sir Fred Godalming had been head of the AUA, the Allied Uber Alles, previously one of the largest banking operations in the world. Despite its name, the AUA did not originate in Germany but did appear to be inspired by certain aspects of its Twentieth century philosophy.
After the bank’s expansionist policies caused it to bloat up like a balloon and the inevitable pin-prick occurred, Godalming chose not to join other high-ranking officials who fled to Argentina. Instead he skipped off to the south of France, having first ensured he was obscenely rich from the operation.
He was a despised figure in his native Scotland, where bankers are publicly flogged and made to wear floral head-dresses to distinguish them from normal people. That would go some way to explain the anti-social hours he kept. However, he also appeared to cast no shadow and had no reflection in the mirror.
When he showed up at 3am apologising for being on Monaco time, I reminded him it was 5am there. He said he needed a new watch.
Categories: The Further Adventures Of Sir Fred | Tags: funny blog, godalming, satirical fiction, sir fred | No Comments
A Fresh Start
January 1st, 2012
January 1st. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me. Now I’m going back to bed.
Categories: A World Of Pain | Tags: funny blog, satirical fiction | No Comments
By No Stretch Of The Imagination Can A CD Sleeve Ever Be Described As ‘Gatefold’
December 23rd, 2011
In which LaFlamme’s timely appearance saves Tony from more unnecessary pain at the hands of band manager George Lyttleton.
It was another throwback to Lyttleton’s 70’s musical pedigree.
“I’ve written a piece for the gatefold,” he said. What kind of gate is only four inches wide? I took the hand-written note and gazed at it blankly. “I think a written piece adds weight to the release, don’t you?” he continued. “We want it to have impact. It can’t just go off like a damp squid.” Once again, Lyttleton’s seafood obsession coloured his language. This time I was almost being drawn in to his world and finding the image of a damp squid going off sufficiently daunting.
Luckily at this point LaFlamme made a surprise appearance, arriving just in time to spare me having to read the piece. Lyttleton rose.
“LaFlamme,” he said, bowing his head slightly. This was unnecessary as she was already a head taller.
“I’m usually very good with names,” said LaFlamme, “but I’ve deliberately forgotten yours.”
Lyttleton shifted uneasily. “Well, I think we’re pretty much done here,” he said. There had been no mention of budget and that’s the way Lyttleton liked it. People like me should simply appreciate the privilege of working with such great talent and relish being a moth around a great flame.
“We can discuss costs later,” I suggested.
“Costs,” he said vaguely, as if unfamiliar with the term. “Yes. Of course.” He left to continue building his empire elsewhere.
LaFlamme meanwhile was flicking through Lyttleton’s photographs, casually dropping each in turn out of the open window.
Categories: George Lyttleton, Band Manager | Tags: band managers, funny blog, laflamme, lyttleton, music business, satirical fiction | No Comments