How To Behave on an Airplane

How To Behave on An Airplane Rule #1: Shut the Fuck Up. In response to the recent attempted terrorist attack on 10 US bound jetliners, security has increased once more in the friendly skies. While this poses a logistics problem for our Allah worshiping, America hating friends, there is another group of travelers who are also put in bit of a pickle:

Namely, CRAZY people. One American woman on a flight to Florida a few weeks ago, caused a panic when she became “claustrophobic.” Passengers reported that the woman, a Caucasian 59 year old “peace activist”, was mumbling incoherent phrases such as ‘Pakistan’ and ‘9/11,’ getting up to go to the bathroom numerous times and rubbing her feet and hands in a constant state of motion. Now while I agree that while witnessing a passenger acting like Homeless Jimmy on 53rd street isn’t exactly what you want to see at thirty thousand feet, I’m going to make the bold assumption that the terrorists have their act a little more together then this.

But let’s put common sense aside and suppose for a moment that Osama and Co.’s new plan is to recruit homeless white women into their ranks as a diversionary tactic on the War on Terror. In that case, we need to take all precautions necessary when it comes to whacky behavior in all its forms.

If you have Turrets Syndrome, suffer from mild schizophrenia or are prone to peanut induced panic attacks, we suggest you take the bus. The days of getting shit faced on 5 ounce bottles of JD and grabbing the stewardess’s tits midway through the in-flight movie are over my friend. Any lewd and lascivious behavior will be met with a stern boot to the head from Mr. US Air Marshal and a fighter jet escort to the nearest airport.

How to Behave on an Airplane Rule #2: Sit the Fuck Down.

But it’s not just crazy people, Rude people and Assholes need to learn to behave. In another example recently, 12 Passengers aboard a Northwest flight from the Netherlands to India wouldn’t stop fucking around with their cell phones, thus causing the plane to high tale it back to the airport it took off from. The passengers undid their seatbelts and passed around their phone to the alarm of an Air Marshal. Now Maybe these folks were really excited about the recent “futball” game, and just wanted to share their cell phone photos of each other getting half naked and giving each other power enema’s each time their team scored a goaaaal . Or maybe they had some of that hip, new Mgyveresque Al Quada cell phone hair gel explosives, and wanted to go 9/11 on their respective asses. Either way they were not following rules #1 or #2 and their European rowdiness needed to be quelled.

How to Behave on an Airplane Rule #3: Don’t be a Cunt

I was recently traveling from New York to Los Angeles. While sitting at my gate, passing the time before boarding, I observed the biggest cunt in the world. In the crowded waiting area, a middle aged obese woman with a small face sat down in a seat across from a business man. The seat she took clearly had another passenger’s bags and belongings next to it. Even before anything transpired, I noticed she had an air of cuntliness about her, like a DMV worker at 4pm on a Friday. “Excuse me.”, the businessman said. “That seat is taken.”.

The Cunt replied without missing a beat, “Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not the boss of me.” The man smiled, “Someone was sitting there.”

“I heard you sir.” Then the man whose seat it was in question comes by. “That’s the guy.” The businessman says decisively. The Cunt rolls her eyes and remained in the seat.

Apparently someone taught this broad that cuntliness was next to godliness. While she was following Rule #1 in some bastardized fashion, she was still without a doubt being a cunt. And if we don’t fight the war on cunts, then the terrorists have won.

So remember kids,
The Three Rules of How To Behave on an Airplane are:

Shut the Fuck Up
Sit The Fuck Down
And Don’t Be a Cunt

List of Behaviors that will Have Your Plane Escorted by F-16’s

-Blowing air into a bag of peanuts and popping it with your hand.
-Drawing mustaches in black ink on the emergency pamphlet people.
-In flight masturbation.
-Crawling into the overhead compartments and claiming it as your “fort.”
-Pretending you are a member of MTV’s Jackass and having your friend push you around on top of the drink cart.
-Praying out loud is now is also a no no
-Watching kiddie porn on your laptop
-Raping a stewardess.