How To Work With Your Spouse As A Business Partner

Note: This guest post is written by Owen Marcus.

What is the definition of hell? Working with your spouse when it’s not working.

Tom came to me many years ago, stressed out, burned out, and thrown out. After what had seemed to be a great marriage and a growing business, Tom was looking at divorce and dissolving their business. His wife Ann had more or less thrown Tom out of the house, because according to her, he was a huge pain in the ass.

Tom admitted he did get stressed out and overly insistent about how the business should be run. As Tom declared, “I’m a detail man and the details weren’t looking good.”

I started asking Tom questions about what exactly had happened and about the structure of the business. It became clear that their hobby of making dog toys and paraphernalia gradually evolved into a business without any planning; or rather, their relationship evolved into a business.

After allowing Tom to rant, then grieve, I explained that the problem was a critical mistake they made that many people make. It wasn’t that they didn’t have a business plan; the problem was they didn’t have a relationship plan. No one teaches us how to have a successful relationship. We learn on the job. No one teaches us how to take a relationship and have it thrive as a business.

As I laid out my model for having both a successful business and relationship, Tom began to relax. He saw that he wasn’t bad, he was ignorant because he didn’t know any better. Neither did his wife. He saw hope for reviving both his business and his relationship.

I gave him a detailed plan on what to do. I told him they could do it on their own, but since they were in trouble, I suggested that they get help. I offered myself and suggested other options.

Tom and Ann did use me. It was hard at first because they had to deal with the past feelings and mistakes. As they began to communicate, they relaxed. As they relaxed the joy and love they once had showed up again. In getting honest about what they didn’t like about work, they saw that a lot of their anger projected on the other was from doing what they didn’t want to do, and not feeling appreciated.

It is amazing what a simple plan and communication can do. After six months, Tom and Ann were rocking. They were enjoying each other and their business. Their business was taking off because their joy was contagious.

A powerful model

A while ago I dated a CPA and attorney who developed a successful mediation practice. Debra told me how the worst divorces were always the ones where the couple was in business together. When it got bad, it got very bad.

Who was once a person’s partner becomes his or her saboteur. She didn’t give me details o course, but you can imagine how work evolved to be another way to get back at each other through spreading hurtful rumors, making embarrassing remarks in front of the employees, and doing anything to make the other look bad even at the risk of hurting the company.

Relationships end. Business partnerships end. Sometimes you can prevent both from occurring. If endings do occur, you can minimize the collateral damage. Any breakup is difficult, but aiming for it working out will at least lessen the pain and damage if a breakup occurs.

Additionally, taking these simple steps will take a good relationship and partnership and make it great. Following a plan that starts with getting clarity gives you ways to support each other and yourselves while reducing the stress. It will enhance your relationship and your business in ways that might be difficult to imagine now.

The reason more people don’t do this is that these concepts and methods aren’t taught. Who was taught how to have a good relationship? Who had a course in their MBA program that taught how to develop a successful partnership with your spouse? Not only can many of the problems we see couples develop be prevented, these couples can have more fun than they thought possible.

Start with a plan

Values

Your values are the foundation for everything you do. When was the last time you described them to anyone, let alone your partner? Could you, right now, succinctly describe what is important to you? What values or principles are you not willing to compromise?

Start writing. Go beyond asking yourself. Look for patterns in your life where your values showed themselves even when you weren’t aware. For example, I value telling the truth. I have a history of opening my mouth even at the cost of my future.

Ask old friends what they perceive are your values. You may be surprised to hear what others see as your operating system. If one person comes up with one outlandish value, don’t count it. But if several of your friends come up with a similar value, you need to take a hard look and consider it.

As you are doing yours, have your partner do his or hers. Once done, meet to discuss them. Where you don’t share the same value, discuss how that value is important to you or your partner, and how you could support your partner, or vice versa, in that value. Realize this whole process is meant to be an exploration and bonding and relationship deepening experience. So, take your time. Have fun doing this!

Risking

Get honest with yourselves about what the possible consequences of working together really are. What is the worst case scenario? Feel and discuss how your business and relationship could fall apart. Put it all out on the table.

Bottom line: Are you willing to put your relationship at risk or under additional stress to have a business together? For many people, the answer to that question is no. I’ve seen several relationships improve when one spouse stepped away from the business and built a separate career, independent of the business. Just be honest with each other.

Vision

From your values and what you want to go for, create a vision of what you want individually and jointly. Not just what you want for your business, but for your relationship. The business vision is the what. The relationship vision is the how.

If you need help in creating a business vision, you will have no problem finding it. Let me give you some suggestions about creating a “how vision” of your relationship.

Imagine what it would feel and look like to be having fun with your partner at work. How would the two of you be relating so both of you look forward to going to work? At this stage don’t be concerned about how you are going to create – just get clear on what you want your interactions to feel and look like.

Write it out

As you continue your discussions, start writing out individually and collectively what you want, and how you plan to create it. This is your business/relationship plan done from the perspective of your business partner as your lover.

Just as some marriages have a pre-nup, your business needs one. A buyout clause in your partnership agreement describes how you end the partnership with one person leaving and the other staying. Treat your business as a relationship and a business. Deal with the emotional aspects as well as the legal and financial aspects.

Consider, and write out, how you would dismantle the partnership under several different circumstances. Address the possibilities of the death of a partner, the dissolution of the marriage, the firing of one spouse, or when one person wants to leave.

Realize the unexpected happens. In the state of loving your partner and wanting the best for him or her, design an exit strategy that serves him or her. Trust that by treating the other with love and respect you will be best served in the long run. If you have kids, they will be best served by your having a fair and easy plan up front.

Also write out who is the boss. There might be one boss or bosses for particular functions. As part of each person’s job description, clearly state who has the final say. You can rotate who is the boss. You can have a clause where this is reviewed after a certain period of time. Go beyond gender roles and look at each person’s skills and passions. Talk about where you are threatened from an ego and gender perspective. Speaking about it brings it out in the open, thereby lessening the likelihood that it will come back and bite you in the ass. It also deepens the trust between the two of you.

Operational

Now you know what you want, start creating a plan. How will you know you are achieving these goals? How will you know if something is wrong? The goal is not only to notice problems early, it is to have a structure to deal with it. As we all know, the bigger the stress, the harder it is to stay sane and calm. If you have a plan to fall back on, it will be easier and less stressful.

The better you two work together, the better the employees will work together. Realize your employees are like your kids in that they will pick up unconsciously what you aren’t aware of. You know how kids act out their parents’ emotions? So do the employees of a couple. This works well for you when you two are doing well.

Have at least an annual meeting to discuss the meta issues. These are the issues concerning how the two of you are relating. How is the business affecting you relationship and your family. Do you need to amend your agreement? You may want to bring in outside help to facilitate this meeting even, if you are doing great.

By knowing there is a meeting on the books to discuss your business, both of you can relax. Without a plan to resolve even a little problem people will start getting crazy. If you know that you have a meeting coming up, and on the agenda are standard questions of how are we doing, what needs to be said that is not being said, and what do you need that your not getting – you have a means to an easy resolution.

I would suggest at least a monthly check-in meeting to discuss business operational concerns. During these meetings, listen. This might not be the default for many men. Breathe and listen. Don’t go to immediately solving the problem. Let the other person speak. We all need to express our thoughts, feelings and wants. Often that is all that is needed.

Expand beyond being the other’s spouse. Don’t judge your spouse just as your relationship partner. Listen as a concerned person who shares the same desire to succeed.

Create your own way to acknowledge the other in front of your employees and the public. Honor your partner. Not only will that go deep for him or her, it will send out a huge message to others. Don’t be trite. Fine something that moved you about your partner. It is much better to be a truly sincere about something small than large and superficial.

Building a successful business and relationship

Now that you have a plan and some business related actions, let’s discover what you can do to guarantee your success.

Time and energy

It all comes down to our two most precious resources. If there is an imbalance or a significant lack in one of these, you have a problem. In most cases the symptoms will not immediately point you to the cause. So, let’s do a little prevention–in fact let’s do some enhancing.

Each of you need time and space together—and apart. As part of your business planning, discuss specifically what you need to do to renew yourself. What do you need to do away from your partner to feel happy and refreshed?

Also discuss how you want to relate to each other while at work. How do you want to show affection? Be clear. One might hold back in deference to the employees while the other may feeling ignored. If it is just the two of you at work, it can be tough being together 24/7 – plan how you are going to deal with it. Know that no matter how much you love each other and how well you get along, at some point you will need time away.

As you hire more employees, it could get easier. You have more people to interact with.

Separate but equal

At work, you each need separate spaces. If not, then one of you needs to be out of the office regularly. Familiarity will breed contempt while distance breads longing. How you achieve this will vary over time, but if you are regularly discussing this you can make minor changes easily.

In the best case scenario, each of you need your own separate support. Some of it is fun stuff; other could be emotional. From teaching other men to lead men’s groups, then watching their groups succeed I have seen that something as simple as meeting with a group of committed men weekly can transform a man, his relationship and his business. Men’s and women’s groups aren’t therapy, even though they may have a therapeutic effect. They are for each person to learn what they didn’t get to learn growing up. These groups also act as a resource to solving problems and being accountable to following though.

Together

Mutual support will enhance your success. Having the regular time to discuss how you are doing will take a lot of the stress away. You avoid little situations from developing into big issues. To improve upon this I would recommend finding a coach or consultant to help you draw out what neither of you can see. A coach can be the advocate for your relationship. He or she can take what we discussed and help you implement it.

Combining individual support with joint support allows you to relax. You know, if only unconsciously, that you have a time and space to get what you need. If you don’t have those opportunities you will find indirect ways to get it from your business. If you do that, your business will suffer.

Relationship time

Nourishing yourself and your relationship will allow you to experience the benefits of your relationship. Take advantage of this by planning times together when all you do is have fun. You don’t discuss work, you play. It might be doing a sport together. It might be traveling. Whatever you do, do it weekly. Then every quarter take a trip or do something special. It could be as simple as going for a hike.

Here’s a secret. If your unconscious doesn’t have a positive ritual (say a weekly dinner date) it will focus on a negative ritual. Create a ritual by doing something pleasurable on a regular basis. Expand out to monthly, quarterly and annual activities. You want to daydream about something fun.

Create a “no-business zone” where business issues don’t intrude. Be firm about your boundaries. If you aren’t firm, work will seep into all areas of your life. Create a time span when you won’t answer the phone concerning work and a time when you won’t do work.

The more you give to your relationship, the less your relationship or you will try to get your needs met indirectly through work. If you go to work feeling loved and filled up from your relationship, then work will be easy.

Doing this upfront planning and work will be the best investment you could make for your relationship and your business. If you are already in a business with your partner, it’s not too late to use these suggestions. As you saw with Tom and Ann, using these suggestions can even revive a failing business and marriage.

I have worked with many entrepreneurs over the years who worked with their partner. When it is bad, it is very bad. When it is good, it is very good. Planning, implementing, getting support and having fun together will make the difference.

What are your experiences working together? What do you do to make it work?

Thanks for this Guest Post to Owen Marcus. Owen posts at www.owenmarcus.com on the secrets for men creating the life they want.

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